Age differences

[Sarian]

Why does it matter with some and not others? This man is 9 years younger than I am, but we get along (for the most part) extremely well. My insecurities can trip us both up, and me being 9 years older can mess with his head (he fears others will see the difference and gasp, I guess) yet no one has.

Can relationships with a big age diference work? Seems it's okay for men to go after the younger women, but why is there some awfulness about the woman being older? I'm not a 'cougar' looking for young prey. It's just how it is. If I never told him my age, he'd not be thinking of it. He was dealing with it when he thought I was 7 or 8 years older than me, but when I said 9, suddenly in his mind I'm 10 years older. I think one issue is due to his upbringing and that his parents had him when they were teens, so I'm actually closer to his parent's age than I am him. They are 8 years older than I am...his mom anyway.

He said sometimes he feels ashamed that others will take notice that I'm older, but it doesn't happen all the time or even half the time. I suppose it happens on days I feel ****** lol. Anyway, now I've got the fear in my mind that I'm older than dirt to him.

any wisdom, thoughts, advice? Anything I can pass along to him to make him feel better? I think I'm in better shape and health than he is. He thinks so too. He would worry about me 'being a liability' being older, all the health issues that arise, but I said it doesn't matter what age you are to be afflicted with something. He ran into a woman from the past we both knew who had the hots for him and she's 5 years younger than he is and she's recently diagnosed with MS.

I may not have the body of a 20 year old, but it runs good...all that sad, I've seen 20 year olds with bodies not in shape at all. I'm busting my butt to get back in shape and have lost 12 pounds in the last 2 weeks and I run and that's something he can't do well, and he's put on weight.

[Kaere]

I do think relationships with large age differences can work - you love the person, not their age.

I don't know what advice to give to pass along to him other than to get his head out of his backside. Ashamed of you??? He's so worried about what other people will think that he's willing to say such a hurtful thing about the one person whose opinion he should be worried about?? Is this relationship about the two of you or will you always have to worry about everyone else's opinions as well?

I dunno, maybe the focus should be less on the problems of the older woman in this case and more on the younger man. You are not the problem. I apologize if I'm coming across as harsh but... well this ticked me off.

[Sarian]

Yeah, ashamed of me at times, because he's so fixated that people will automatically 'know'. they don't. It ticks me off as well. I just commented to him that millions of others in this world have age differences and when will he work on the realization that they do work. He said rationally, he can and does, but his feelings get in the way at times. He says he doesn't think of it all the time, but seems lately he is and I'm not sure why.

I like your bluntness. Do you know any women with a younger man?

Hmmm.
It depends on the person.
If he is mature enough for you and compatible with your current life stage, the age difference should not matter.

However, if his attitude about the age difference is not positive and since he already makes negative comments on it, it can be a problem in a long run.
In addition, your own insecurity about it is going to make the problem worse as you get older.

My husband is almost 6years younger than I am. I am young for my age (probably because I never had children) and can be immature at times (due to my occasional selfishness and again never having children). In addition, I have very youthful attitude towards life and I am constantly find ways to improve my life and my thinking. I never stop learning and educating myself.

My husband has never negatively thought about our age difference. He actually makes positive comments about it. He always jokingly says that he does not have to worry about leaving me behind as an old widow since I will die first.
He also likes to jokingly mention the Ben Franklin's views of dating older women. It is really funny.

When I first met him, I really found his "youthful" thinkings, "naiveness", and his young energy to be very attractive, refreshing, and positive.
His apparent Asperger's attributes were there too when I met him; however, I thought these "quirkiness" were due to his age and I overlooked them.
If he was same age or older, I probably realized that there was something "abnormal" about him.

After being married for almost 5years now, his immaturity coupled with his Aspergers attributes are really bothering me and are affecting our marriage negatively.
I really really want someone who is mature and someone that I do NOT have to mother. Ugh~~

So, you have to seriously think about how his age is affecting you, where his maturity level is, what his honest attitudes are about the age difference, and about your life stage compatibilities.

[Sarian]

Thanks Nada. He deals with it from time to time and often it's not even a factor, but other times it is. I find it superficial myself, but hey, everyone's different. I've been sitting here all morning thinking it's time to go. I just blew up at him in some texts. Just hurt. I thought who do you think you are to feel you are better than me? and if you feel I'm not good enough or someone to be ashamed of, then by all means, there's the door. He's more like his ex-wife anymore. I think who are you to knock me that way when his ex regularly told him she was ashamed of him in ways or not good enough and for him to turn around and do say to me. He prides himself for being honest, but wow. I said all your talks about the body changing because we are all aging and it's what's inside and we should be happy with each other for all the good we have and share, must have been all **

I'm sorry about your husband. Who I'm with has a son with aspbergers. It can be trying that's for sure.

I thought we really complimented each other and worked well together...

How he feels is extremely detrimental to me...I've had low self-esteem as it is, but this makes me feel like **** worse. It's funny because he would say the song "Calling out your name" (life your head up) was for me. Hold my head up. lift my head up...but I feel like I should just keep it down further.

Relationships suck.

Sarian,
Did you state that your current BF has a son with Aspergers??

Ok, if that is the case, this explains why your BF is saying something so hurtful and not realizing it.
Your BF may have Aspergers as well. - maybe in different scale.

Aspergers is extremely genetic. Often, people find out that they have Aspergers because one or more of their childlen are diagnosed with Aspergers.

Usually Aspergers do not significantly affect the relationship until after a marriage.

You may want to look it up.

[Sarian]

Thanks Nada, that's pretty interesting. His son's not been officially diagnosed, but we researched it and it's pretty spot on. I tend to be pretty intuitive and when I first met his son when he was 3 I sensed something off and that when he was a teen, he would have issues and it would be pronounced. I told him, of course, he blew me off, just like he did when I told him not to buy this house and when I told him a dream I had about his now ex-wife, he thought was so outlandish until it came exactly true one year later.

He said his mom has 'a touch of bi-polar' and I said I often wondered if he had that as well.

I did not know that about asperbergers though. I know he said he (the guy) hates when he gets into these manic phases. He will sing and dance and he's all happy but in an almost out of control way, but he doesn't seem like others I've know who have bi-polar. Then he will get melancholy and hate how he is.

How does aspberges affect a relationship after a marriage? I have known him for over 15 years. I do feel that I know him better than anyone, and he believes this as well. I know his cycles, his habits, his issues and know what's part of who he is, the good, the bad, the ugly, but lately it seems he's being more hurtful when it comes to me and I don't understand. I was incredibly impressed that he was being more bold in not caring what others thought, and that he would confront them as they came and stand up for me, but now it doesn't seem so much the case. He said to me today when I asked how often he is bothered by my age, he said not that often...but apparently I'm not supposed to talk about it, but also I lost 12 pounds in two weeks and then he commented that 'when people lose weight and they are older, there's not the elasticity' in other words, my face is showing it. I looked in the mirror and like yesterday I had almost no sleep, so yeah, I thought I looked like hell. I was exhausted, but he sees that and thinks oh gosh, she's 9 years older. Well, he's put on weight, he's bald on top and I have to shave rest of his head very close to his head so he feels better about himself. I really don't care, I'm not bothered by it. He's extremely hairy...but I love the man anyway. I'm not bothered by superficial **** like that. It's the person inside who I love. He's completely different than when I first met him. I remember once thinking oh I wish he would get bald, fat and ugly so maybe I'd not be interested in him anymore. well, he put on weight, he lost most of his hair, but gained it all over the rest of his body lol...I fell in love with him all the more. Go figure. I don't get the same in return, sadly...but then maybe it's a cycle of his, but he will come to me and we will become closer than ever and he talks about how he can't imagine life without me and never wants a life without me. He talks about getting married and how happy we will be. So what is this ****?

Anyway, interesting what you told me. Thank you.

[Sarian]

Hey Nada, I'm researching lol, but my friend is extremely compassionate, empathic. He's not monotone in the least, but neither is his son when he gets going and gets extremely animated...

My friend does get caught up in what he's doing to where it's hard to get his attention and then he has to 'shift' as he says, refocus. He's a great listener (was with me too lol) Extremely caring man, loving man. His son is very affectionate with his girlfriend. If you wonder why we think he has aspbergers is because he struggled in school, even though very bright. Didn't fit in. Had no friends. He would stare at himself in the mirror for hours, often talks to himself. We've seen him act out in front of the mirror as though he's talking to a separate person. He's got an amazing memory. He can recall trivia and articles he's read or programs almost verbatum. He watches movies and recalls every part of it and even plays out the roles.

I've been checking out various sites and on this one wow, I was shocked when it listed some people believed to have aspbergers.

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the...-in-adults.htm

Until reading this, I wasn't sure he fit in the aspberger's category, but maybe he does have it very mild. I was also remembering his stories about his maternal grandmother and her issues. Again, thanks for the enlightening on the subject.

[Kaere]

Originally Posted by Sarian

Yeah, ashamed of me at times, because he's so fixated that people will automatically 'know'. they don't. It ticks me off as well. I just commented to him that millions of others in this world have age differences and when will he work on the realization that they do work. He said rationally, he can and does, but his feelings get in the way at times. He says he doesn't think of it all the time, but seems lately he is and I'm not sure why.

I like your bluntness. Do you know any women with a younger man?

Yep, I do. Several with just a few years difference and one with a ten year difference... it's the people in the relationships that make the difference, not the ages imo. I feel it does a disservice to define a person based on the year they were born compared to someone else.

[Sarian]

I agree, Kaere. How are they getting along if I might ask, especially with the ten year difference, lol.

I'm reading up on the wisegeek site about aspbergers...reading the comments below and I'm blown away. My guy is extremely intelligent. Graduated top of his class in college. Learns very fast. He's huge on routine and even gets on my case at times that I'm not as routine oriented as he. He had been sharing some things that he finds he does and doesn't understand why...so I'm reading this article and can only think wow... He's nuts when it comes to working and making money and money and more money. Everything comes down to money. I tell him he's got it so much better than most, so he should ease up, but he can't. He has become very upset with some of his issues. I am thinking of even some of his faces and how he looks with various emotions. I have no idea if he's got this or not, but my cmpassion is kicking in big time now.