I Ruined Another Good Friendship

I'll try to spare the boredom of details, but I met this guy on a (Christian) retreat a couple of months ago... I went there to see if I could grow closer to God, but the moment I laid eyes on this guy I was blown away by how gorgeous he was. I could tell he was much younger, though. He's 18, I'm 29. I usually don't look at anyone that young, but he was just so adorable! But his personality was just as attractive. Throughout our week stay there, it seemed as though there was a mutual energy and it even seemed, at times, as though he was flirting with me... It turns out he was just very friendly, and I got my signals wrong...

I made sure to get his number before we parted. I found that he attended school a city over. We kept in touch until we got together and just hung out one day. I let him know before that day that I was gay, so that I wouldn't get too attached to him to have him kick me to the curb. He was cool with it, and we talked a little about it, among some other things. He was such a cool person, a giver, and seemingly such a good friend. Although we hung out, things didn't go exactly as planned, but he promised we would hang out again well before the summer ended. I felt the urge to text him that night and let him know about my attraction to him. He thanked me for being honest but told me he didn't "role that way." To make a long story short, the summer is almost over, and we haven't gotten together again since about a month/half ago. Our communication slowed down... but now he doesn't talk to me at all, and I know that he deleted my number by his "Who is this?" response some time ago. I tried to explain to him my attraction to men, because he admitted that he can't see why a man would want another man. He even tried to enourage me to try girls because "they're hot!!!!," but I think him realizing that I'm not budging on my sexuality, has made him draw back totally. Now, he won't respond to any of my many textplanations or apologies. I haven't dared to call him because I know he wouldn't answer, and that would just be another punch in the gut for me!

It has been bothering me for weeks, because he was such a nice person to me, and it's like he's turned into a spiteful, vindictive, cold-hearted person who is just ignoring me because he knows it hurts. I really miss him and I miss our potentially great friendship. I've told myself that he's too young to be my friend anyway because our age gap is too big for us to have anything in common. And this may be true, but the fact is I know I was wrong, and this just makes me think that I don't care about anyone but myself, that I don't want a friend, but maybe all I want is sex. This is only one of many times that this has happened, but it has really hit home this time. It's driving me crazy, and I feel like just giving up on being social altogether. It is much less painful and less complicated. I wish I could just live life as a monk hidden away in a monastery or on an island of my own. I really would do this if it was realistically possible. But since it isn't, I'm stuck with wondering what potentially healthy relationship I will ruin next.

I wonder if I can really have male friends. Even though I'm a man (ugh... almost cringe when I say that) I've never felt a connection with other men or males in general. I have male aquaintances but I've never really had a healthy male relationship. It's odd, because most people who know I'm gay told me they would've never guessed that I was gay. I can play the role well, but I've never really felt a connection to masculinity. So it seems that without fail, I either run a guy friend away by not being very much of a friend myself, or I link up with one who I find physically attractive and run him away by saying too much that I don't feel I can hold in...

This is a longer post that I intended for it to be, but I have been doing some soul searching...

That's tough stuff, I read it all, and I have been on both sides of the story.

I think he might have thought that you wanted to have sex with him (whether or not it's true that might be what he thinks), and since he made it clear that he does not swing that way, he wanted to cut the communication short before you get too attached. He knows it's not good for both of you--- you'll be in pain, he'll be bothered, or he'll feel guilty.

Or--- maybe he's found someone, and this someone is jealous.

Put yourself in his shoes. You don't feel sexually attracted to a girl. What if, a girl comes along and feels for you exactly what you feel for your friend? And what if she does for you exactly what you do for him? I think there's too much pressure on him, he knows you want his response, his presence, his attention, and sometimes that's just too much pressure on "just a friend."

[in progress]

I'm a lesbian so I can understand to a point where you're coming from.

You knew what this fellow's sexuality was before you admitted your attraction. You didn't respect his stated sexual orientation while at the same time wanting him to respect yours. I can easily see how it would be hard for him to continue a friendship w/ you after you've expressed interest in more and you clearly wanted a boyfriend even though you said friendship. He understood that.

Why not seek out and spend more time w/ other gay men?

Originally Posted by Fire7

Even though I'm a man (ugh... almost cringe when I say that) I've never felt a connection with other men or males in general. I have male aquaintances but I've never really had a healthy male relationship.

If I read this correctly ~ you're cringing over yr gender :C ? It sounds like you are experiencing some self-acceptance issues. Maybe some therapy would help. It's difficult to have a relationship with anyone outside yourself until you have a healthy relationship with yr self, y'know?

Originally Posted by Sybilline

That's tough stuff, I read it all, and I have been on both sides of the story.

I think he might have thought that you wanted to have sex with him (whether or not it's true that might be what he thinks), and since he made it clear that he does not swing that way, he wanted to cut the communication short before you get too attached. He knows it's not good for both of you--- you'll be in pain, he'll be bothered, or he'll feel guilty.

Or--- maybe he's found someone, and this someone is jealous.

Put yourself in his shoes. You don't feel sexually attracted to a girl. What if, a girl comes along and feels for you exactly what you feel for your friend? And what if she does for you exactly what you do for him? I think there's too much pressure on him, he knows you want his response, his presence, his attention, and sometimes that's just too much pressure on "just a friend."

Yes, I would feel very uncomfortable if a female came at me the same way. I was basically selfish of me and self-centered of me not to think about it being the other way around. And now, I regret it tremendously because it's like I turned him into a totally different person - at least the person he is to me. But it just hurts so much that I probably burned a bridge and now he'll always be guarded with me and never completely trust me (if he even ever speaks to me again), and that he isn't responding to my remorse but has cut me off completely. He's just like an ice sickle that is stuck in my chest; this is the only thing I can liken it to.