Seeing myself from way behind, how is that possible?

This is so weird and I have thought is it from a movie? Is it a psychological fault in me? Is it imagination? Is it my soul's eyes?

It is that in my memory I am with my first love (A). We're in a park. We're having a picnic. I lean towards him and give him a kiss on his cheek and at the time I felt he was such a good man.

At the time I had come out of a bad relationship some time ago and had trouble with sleep for too long before I got help with that (sleeping pills) so I know from this period of time my memories are somewhat "dreamy". I for instance would for years have this image of A when he was sitting down and and his facial expression. Finally I knew where this memory belonged. It was when I was walking towards him to tell him I could not see him no more like that (in a romantic sense) as I did not think I was stable enough then and everything was somewhat chaotic. I know I hesitated which way to go. I know I was in trouble at the time and I did not want to bring him down with me. Things were going well for him at the time.

I've erased the rest, this is the second edition, LOL (I'm hopeless).

[JustBe]

Ha you cut yourself short! Lol

I’m normally in for a lengthy read with your posts but not this time.. hehe

Can you describe how your seeing this. Awake? Asleep? Triggered by something? A sense or is it a direct knowing?

(Edited...Could not keep it short this time. Sorry if there are some repeats in the text.)

Yes, LOL. Thank you :)

Awake. It has been this way for months and months. I can't remember how it came about, if it was triggered by anything.

I think I carry guilt for how I behaved during that period. I eventually got panic attacks I had no control over and never been so afraid in my life. I said to A that something had happened to me, then what it was, once I knew what it was, after having seen a psychiatrist.

I was trying to get back to normal and the psychiatrist advice me to not continue things with A (nor B for that matter). I was ashamed of myself and I had to make drastic decisions at a quick speed. I followed every advice I got from the psychiatrist because I was so afraid of what had happened to me and how I would ever get back to normal.


I did not want to confess I was afraid of B and what he could do and this went on simultaneously I was to learn. That B did not after all want to let me go and did not care what I wanted and was just unpleasant to deal with.

I was in secret angry with A because to me if he had never caused our break up years before and gone back to drinking and how his family had been (not all), I would never have gotten involved with B in the first place, I would have stayed with A. And now I was this mess. I would never had to have met B in the first place. I missed the old me, how I had been before B.

During my relationship with B I had now and then had flashbacks of A doing something nice, good and it was in clear contrast to what B was doing, and I began to resent B and see that he was not a good man, even if he and others thought he was, it was this image he had. He wasn't treating me right. He had his own issues I think. Heavy energy to him.

B would mention his own ex to me now and then throughout the relationship in neutral terms, why I could never figure out. He must have still thought of her or he would not have mentioned her. I don't know if the purpose was to make me insecure. I never mentioned A to him, as to me that belonged only to me.

I have thought that perhaps the whole reason why me and B got together was for us to realize we actually missed our exes and that they were the ones we should be with, and not with each other? If that was the way it was destined to play out? At the time I did not think I missed A in a romantic way but I do know I wanted a guy to have some of the great qualities I thought he had, and I could tell B did not have that.

Things had felt so cold when I had been with B, despite that everything looked so perfect, and things had been so warm when I had been with A, even if things did look far from perfect. A was someone so genuine, he did not pretend to be someone he wasn't. He knew he was different. He knew people either liked or disliked him and he was used to that.

A and I would talk more than once about the decision I had made. We would have lots of talks actually through the course of time that maybe nobody knew about, he wasn't difficult to talk to even if I kept the subjects away from some things. There were lots of things were we just got each other. You really did not need that many words then.

Back then he was telling me that the experts/psychiatrists maybe did not know everything. That we could go back to just being friends as long as I wanted to but to please not cut him out of my life again. He was saying these wonderful, heartbreaking words for me and I could not handle it. I knew I had to cut him out, and I had to be on the move. Things were getting worse as far as B was concerned.

I know I told A I had trouble with myself because to me the guy he had been to me before our break up was as if he had died, and he had become this brother or friend instead over time, and I just had this trouble re-kindling the romantic feeling between us. He told me he had always seen me as one and the same and that he had always loved me and that he had those feelings for me, that he had no trouble with this. He wanted to see if that could change. That felt cruel. I think I expected him to respond in a different way. I was almost angry that he was not angry with me, asking me why the hell, for instance, I had kissed him then?

I think I sort of stop myself from allowing myself to feel any romantic feelings for him when I did feel it returning to me, as when he held my hand and we walked side by side. That when I felt that I sort of pulled back. I did not think I was strong enough to deal with this as well and figured I had to cut it short before I would be able to hurt him or him to feel used.

I know too it was with this sadness, knowing in me, because I did truly think he was a good guy, and it felt unfair, but I had to let him go.

I was very much ashamed of myself. I remember thinking when he spoke of our old times and his love for me that I was not her anymore and that he would be disappointing in the present me, the future me, that she was gone. I did not want to face that. I know I told him that once "She is gone", and I felt empty and I felt like crying. I didn't know how to get myself fixed, to get myself back on track. I was trying, but I feared she was gone forever. She was the one who deserved maybe to be looked at the way he was now looking at me. I didn't. I was the one saying dumb things to him, and giving him mixed messages. He deserved better.

If and when I have a dream of him, which has happened few times, he is always a friend in those dreams, he is never a lover, boyfriend material, but just this friend except for 2 strange dreams I had and I would say they were some sort of visitations dreams perhaps and maybe imaginary about a possible outcome had we continued back then? I really don't know.

I have had these dreams I have visited him at work and one time in Rehab and that he is doing good and that he has lots of plans and is occupied with that. There can also be a girlfriend of his in the background or someone he is interested in, and in the dreams, I don't mind. I'm just feeling good that he is finally there.

Anyways, I have had this image, awake, but it has too come to me just before i go to normal sleep, I see myself give him a kiss on the cheek, but from a distance.

[zerojack]

There are a few possible explanations for this phenomenon. It could be that you have a very strong connection to your subconscious mind, which allows you to see yourself from an objective perspective.

Alternatively, it could be that you have developed a form of astral projection or out-of-body experience.

This could explain why you are able to see yourself from a distance, as you are no longer bound by the physical limitations of your body.

Whatever the explanation, it is clear that you have an ability that most people do not possess. With this ability, you are able to gain a unique and powerful insight into yourself and your life.

Thank you very much Zerojack, wow you really think so, that would be so wonderful, I need that, LOL :)