Ending the Negative

[Sunset Dragon]

I am researching Buddhism for many reasons, one being that there is a very negative side to me. I'm a good person who cares a lot for people, doesn't judge people in the same way that I've seen other people judge, and have always tried to give and bring joy to others. At the same time, I have a side of me that completely contradicts it. That side of me wants to see people fail, assumes the worst of people, judges people in other ways, and generally can't be bothered to help them.

How I can have these two conflicting sides confuses me at times. I can be more empathetic than some people and feel too much emotion in myself, and perhaps that same emotion stirs the negative in me as well as the good. When it comes to the failure of others, even children, it's born of jealousy and anger, having seen myself fail even when I've appeared to be more capable or skilled at something, or if I was just simply never acknowledged or praised for the things I did. I've seen people do little things yet receive more praise, and that boils my jealousy. I would often give to people, but while I did so because I enjoyed it, I'd returned to these memories years later for the wrong reasons - I always gave to this person, yet what did I ever get in return? Why wasn't this person there? Etc. Suddenly, in that moment, it appears as though I wasn't giving for the reasons that I thought.

I love and hate people at the same time. I always used to offer help and advice. People sometimes came to me because they know I'd help them. I always did that, but I guess in time I grew bitter, and as I got older, started to get tired of listening. At that point, I started to talk a hell of a lot more and get frustrated and restless if I lost control of the conversation and couldn't make all the points I wanted. Why? I felt like I wasn't being listened to. But honestly, I've noticed that I have a really hard time communicating with people these days because when they talk to me about their interests or what they're doing in life, I don't care. I get restless, my mind wanders, and I can't wait until I can talk about myself again. I'm just not interested at all. Am I looking for praise, perhaps? That could be it. I know some people believe that when a person feels and acts that way, it's because they're in love with their self, but regardless of all the things I may think I deserve, I actually don't love myself at all. It's the opposite of what those people think.

Negativity sticks with me in a big way. I don't like other people's greed, yet I probably ignore my own. If you have three people and six bottles of water (for example), I believe that they should each have two bottles each. If somebody goes beyond that, especially just taking extra without thinking about it, I get very frustrated and carry those thoughts on for years and start feeling negative around those people. I don't really know how not to deal with that particular one. At the same time, if somebody asks for my bottle, I'd probably give it.

As I grew more and more bitter, I gave up on more and more of my own interests and sources of joy. Those interests had transformed. No longer did I do them because of joy, but for attention or money.

There is a world of negativity in me, and I think that Buddhism will help me. But knowing where to begin is a problem. How do you simply start loving and stop feeling these kinds of things? Is it about starting off small and gradually building up? I worry that doing so would create certain expectations in me that could ultimately make me feel worse.

[Deidre]

Hello :)

I'm really taken by what you post here, because I share in a lot of what you are saying. Most of the time, I'm quite open minded and positive, but there are times when I'm caught in the turmoil of life, and feel negative. It stems from a bad childhood, so it's not like I don't knew where it comes from. I'm an atheist, but have been following different aspects of Buddhism as of late, especially the meditative practices. It has done wonders in helping me still my mind, and really clarify my thoughts. It helps me to figure out where these negative thoughts are coming from, and to work through them...

I'm not sure if you're familiar with Alan Watts but I encourage you to watch his videos on youtube. He speaks a lot about nirvana, and compassion, and how we are all connected. This helps us to want the best for others, in very genuine ways.

Just wanted to share...

[sunsoul]

I would agree with Deidre - if you practise meditation (of some kind and best suited to you) then this will allow you to settle the mind somewhat and see what is going on, and ultimately heal yourself.

[Sunset Dragon]

Thanks Diedre and Sunsoul. Meditation does not come easily to me, so I think that will probably make it all the more rewarding. If I can settle my mind enough to actually meditate, that in itself is a big step forward for me.

Diedre, it's all the more interesting that you're an atheist and seeing results, because I'm personally an agnostic, and have worried if that would somehow get in the way. I've been looking into Secular Buddhism for that reason.

But I find being open to these thoughts is a good start. I've read what Buddhism says about simply knowing a thought when it enters the mind, good or bad, and not pursuing it or resisting it. This alone helped with some negative thoughts as I would usually attempt to resist them or simply beat myself up over them, ultimately feeding them.

I'll look into Alan Watts. When you realise that your negativity increases even in the success of a mere child, something is terribly out of balance. There is probably a lot of "inferiority" and greed in the middle somewhere.

Meditating is hard for everyone. Even those of us who have been doing it for years, but it is worth the effort. I have seen great changes in myself and have seen others actually taken off their medication for anxiety and depression (of course after seeing their doctor). Don't give up, the answers to your question are all ready within you. Keep digging.

[Deidre]

Originally Posted by Sunset Dragon

Thanks Diedre and Sunsoul. Meditation does not come easily to me, so I think that will probably make it all the more rewarding. If I can settle my mind enough to actually meditate, that in itself is a big step forward for me.

Diedre, it's all the more interesting that you're an atheist and seeing results, because I'm personally an agnostic, and have worried if that would somehow get in the way. I've been looking into Secular Buddhism for that reason.

But I find being open to these thoughts is a good start. I've read what Buddhism says about simply knowing a thought when it enters the mind, good or bad, and not pursuing it or resisting it. This alone helped with some negative thoughts as I would usually attempt to resist them or simply beat myself up over them, ultimately feeding them.

I'll look into Alan Watts. When you realise that your negativity increases even in the success of a mere child, something is terribly out of balance. There is probably a lot of "inferiority" and greed in the middle somewhere.

You're welcome :)
For me, I feel like my entire life since childhood has been covered in a blanket of fear. Every decision I've ever made seems to come from this place of fear. When I was a Christian, it was put on hold, but never dealt with, now in Buddhism meditation, I'm finally dealing with it. There's hope!

I hope you too find some success with it.

[Tail11]

Sunset Dragon, I'm pretty much right there with you and thank you for your honesty.

For years I've allowed my mind to grind away at things that happen to me, or that I perceive happened to me. I would let my mind run with it, not really seeing it as "my problem". Now, I see how much damage it has done and decided to take steps to alleviate it. When I feel my mind going to that awful place, I put it in a bubble and send it away. I take some deep breaths and go to my heart center. It takes time and patience, but I'm seeing a difference.

Between my meditation and my self treatments of Reiki, I feel a calmness that I've never felt in my life. Find what it is that takes you to that calmness and stick with it.

Best of luck in your journey!

[wanchain]

Sunset Dragon: I am in agreement with the above posts that you need to meditate, or more specifically, learn to quiet your ego.

The good and bad thoughts are your inner self and your ego self. I have learned to recognize my ego self thinking/speaking, and hence, I can park it aside when need be. When you can quiet your ego, then your inner self will shine through, bright and clear. ^_^

[5thDimension]

Just come from the PTSD thread and I believe much of what people are talking about here (bad thoughts) comes from minor or even major traumas buried in the subconscious. It's just not true to say that human nature or the ego is basically bad because it's as divine as anything else.

Every single one of us suffers some trauma when growing up - a temper tantrum certainly lays down a lifelong trauma that destructively effects our life as an adult, for example. When we suffer trauma, the emotions get buried in the subconscious and 'we' want to revenge ourselves by hurting others as we were hurt. That's the origin. If a person were totally free of trapped emotions, they would have no anxiety or stress in their life and never wish harm on anything living...

Of course, many religions and cults make good business telling you otherwise but we are all born loving and divine.

[Sunset Dragon]

All great responses here, and I appreciate the support, as well as the fact that I'm not alone. Being honest about some of the things I mentioned is not easy. Have you ever thought or said something ridiculous only to think, "Wait, was that me talking?"

Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself at all. Worse so, I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I have two different sides of me, as if detached from my own mind with no control over it. The ego in me, I believe, is ruling the throne at this point.

@5thDimension, I very much believe in the power of traumas. Every now and then when I have these sour moments, a part of me will reflect upon something that happened in the past. For example, sometimes I have this mighty frustration towards certain people I know, even if they're trying to do something nice to me, and it's because of a couple of negative things that happened between us in the past. I find letting go of anything to be impossible.