I feel so guilty.

[onetruebeliever]

My Mom had an appointment with a new doctor this morning - a dermatologist. She has a rash that is fungal based under her breasts and under her tummy roll that her PC can't do any more with. She absolutely will not do what all of her docs and nurses and me and my brother tell her to do because it hurts or whatever. This rash would never have gotten so bad if she would have continued to do what I started with her. Maybe I should have taken total control - I don't know. Anyway, her stubborness and unwillingness to be proactive is an ongoing issue with her.

I never found the office - it's in a new industrial area and few buildings have numbers and there are few street signs. I followed the directions and called them 4 times. We drove around for 50 minutes before I called them again and cancelled. We'll try again next week. I will look for it before we go.

I feel so guilty because I told Mom that if she had done what she was supposed to do we never would have had to go in the first place. I didn't yell, but I was not real calm, either. I told her she wants to rely on medication to take away her pain or whatever and NOt do what she has been told to do. I was so angry! It's like beating my head against a solid brick wall with her. She does need to hear this from time to time, but, I hate to make her feel bad. Oh well, what's done is done. She probably won't remember today past tomorrow anyway. Dementia sucks!

[Emmalevine]

(((((Onetruebeliever)))))

[Kiran]

Why do you feel guilty? All you did is show your mum that you CARE FOR HER... more than she does...

[onetruebeliever]

Until you have an elderly parent who is not herself and who doesn't always comprehend, you cannot understand. I was just venting - my family gets tired of hearing it.

[psychoslice]

Dementia, maybe the key to the whole problem ?, but what you have done is what I would have done.

[Dragonfly1]

Perhaps in her lucid moments she's trying to hang on to what dignity she has left of her own life even if it means she suffers for it.....How horrible it must be to lose control of your own life and have to rely on the people who once totally relied on you for everything......... I hope that you can get through to her and she retains some of the kindness and help you are trying to give her......my heart goes out to your poor mum, and you.....many blessings....xxx

Hi Onetruebeliever,

I think I know how you feel. My grandmother has cataracts and she doesn't want to have an operation. She too (I think) has dementia, I don't know, she doesn't want to get checked, but she forgets anything I tell her within 10-15 seconds and asks the same questions over and over again even with the same answers. I hope it's not Alzheimer's. It breaks my heart. She is about 85 or so, she lost her papers during World War II so we don't really know her exact age. She was born premature (7 months) so even without the dementia she has always been much like a little child.

Prayers to both of you...

[onetruebeliever]

Originally Posted by psychoslice

Dementia, maybe the key to the whole problem ?, but what you have done is what I would have done.

Actually, she has been this way since I was born. LOL! She is so extremely stubborn and of the generation who thought pills and shots would cure anything without the need to do anything to help it along. The dementia just magnifies it.

[onetruebeliever]

Originally Posted by Sybilline

Hi Onetruebeliever,

I think I know how you feel. My grandmother has cataracts and she doesn't want to have an operation. She too (I think) has dementia, I don't know, she doesn't want to get checked, but she forgets anything I tell her within 10-15 seconds and asks the same questions over and over again even with the same answers. I hope it's not Alzheimer's. It breaks my heart. She is about 85 or so, she lost her papers during World War II so we don't really know her exact age. She was born premature (7 months) so even without the dementia she has always been much like a little child.

Prayers to both of you...

((((HUGS)))) Sybilline. I know it's so hard to watch the decline of someone you love. I hope it's not Alzheimer's too. But, dementia is dementia. The timelines are a bit different is all. My Mom just turned 76 - too young to be in the state she's in. It is what it is, tho. We just take it day by day.

Next time you take your Grandmother to the doctor, ask him/her if they could do the evaluation. Mom's doc just kind of sneaked the questions in as he was talking to her. Her first DX was Alzheimer's but he later amended that to vascular dementia. ((((HUGS)))))

[onetruebeliever]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly1

Perhaps in her lucid moments she's trying to hang on to what dignity she has left of her own life even if it means she suffers for it.....How horrible it must be to lose control of your own life and have to rely on the people who once totally relied on you for everything......... I hope that you can get through to her and she retains some of the kindness and help you are trying to give her......my heart goes out to your poor mum, and you.....many blessings....xxx

It is very devastating for her. And that's where the guilt came in - I was angry and frustrated and I try to stay compassionate and calm with her. Sometimes I have to get a little forceful with her. That day was too much.

Since she had her first major stroke years and years ago, she has not been able to write. She was afraid to try to read, which is her passion, for fear she couldn't. I worked with her and now she reads several novels a week. She's still in her own home( with our daily help).

Mom is not totally "demented" yet, but she does have her moments. She understands most of the time what she's supposed to do - she just really doesn't want to do it. If it hurts in the teeniest amount forget it. If it makes her feel awkward or vulnerable, forget it. If it's something she has never done or hasn't done for many years, forget it. She just expects her meds to do all the work - she always has. Stubborn is her middle name! LOL.