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Old 09-01-2022, 06:02 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 1,893
 
Hi CosmicWonder, I have been thinking of what you have written, thanks btw for thinking I'm good the way I am. Could it simply be that we all have that longing, it does not have to be of a sexual nature, drive, but simply that need for physical closeness, tenderness?

I got to think how hurt I got one time (this was years ago, but i still remember it as if it was yesterday, then again - I'm sensitive, sigh). I was going with my then relatively new boyfriend to a restaurant in a strange big city, we had booked a hotel for the night. We walked from the hotel to this restaurant where we had plans to meet up with some of his family members and his friends. I was a little nervous and wanted to make a good impression, or at least hope I was OK, you know, approved off. I was so in love with him back then, he was like my dream of everything I wanted in a man. We got serious fast. Everything just clicked or so I thought.

So anyways on our way to see them we held hands. then as we came to see them outside the restaurant we began to talk and at one point he let go of my hand and at one point I took his hand agan (reaching for it) and then it got obvious or was it a mistake, I still was not all that sure, he let go of my hand.

Then at one point in the restaurant he took me aside from everyone and told me he did not want me to touch him (as in holding his hand, because as far as I can remember I think that was all I had done, and possibly touching maybe his arm or shoulder too, in a haste).

he told me this - sharply. Like really sharply. Looking at me as if I should be ashamed of myself. As if he was ashamed of me. I was first of all taken by surprise. Then I was hurt. I think I said just "OK". He said in a haste to me that he did not see anyone else touching each other (there were couples amongst them). I really had no idea. I had not really paid that much attention if some couple touched each other now and then or if they didn't, just as I had not been so fully aware that I was touching him or not. We went to sit amongst the others. I could not look at him. I could not converse with him. I really tried to act as if everything was fine. Had it been today I would have just walked out of the restaurant and would not cared if that would have been rude of me. I would have just left. But he had the car keys and everything and I was in this strange city. And I think I was so surprised still.

We had a fight back at the hotel. Back in the car back home to our city things were still strained between us. This was not at all how I had thought things would go.

Turns out that he had been strictly raised to not show physical signs of tenderness amonst others, especially around his first family. Then it was mocked on. I had no idea. And I had no idea because he had not told me that. HE was one person with me, and another with them. So he did not tell me, he did not pre-warn me, instead it was as if I got a slap in the face all of a sudden. Up til then we had always held hands or what ever. I knew how to behave myself, I knew what was appropriate or not.

After that he apologized and he would as usual try to show physical signs of tenderness but it was now me who was turned off by it. That rejection hurt me so bad, and if and when I tried to explain that in words to him it just sounded as if I was so sensitive. I would never again feel the magic of holding his hand the way I had felt upon him correcting me at the restaurant. Never again. We would hold hands, but it was on his initiative and it just did not ever feel as special, magic as it had done before, it was really to the point that I rather he wouldn't, because a part of me suspected he really did not want to amongst others, he was only doing it to please me and I had no need for it no more.

And that I think is where I will finally get to my point - that sometimes we forget we have needs, and it can be what I describe it as "magic" and your words and your friends it can be "healing"; but we do need it, rather it leds to an sexual act or not, and thinking you are friends with that someone you do have fond feelings for her and then you become close like that, of course then it means something. And what you wrote that you craved more, and that you were hurting. It is that step there to overcome (I do not yet know how to overcome it myself, I have not been able to and it been years, this is so nuts) the feeling of rejection it gave and still dare to reach out I think.

Today if, when I have reached out among his family and friends (we have recently gotten back together after split, therapy...) he is right there accepting my hand, and more often he is touching me than me him, still it will never feel the same way as it did that way before, or maybe, maybe one day I will dare to open that part of my heart that he hurt and it got closed, who knows. I hope it may still open for you, and that you won't let it stop you like I have done in the past, and again I'm not there yet and don't know if I ever will. It is kind of hard now I feel to know how to do it, really, but I'm hoping you can.

Even if he and I have talked about this. And him saying he had thought about it and that it was stupid of him to make what he thought all those people might (or might not) have thought if we occationally held hands or not, matter more to him than what I had thought. I told him too that I found him to be surprisingly inconsiderate of me as he must have known I was a little nervous and he was all I had - while he was at home with these people, this was his family, his friends. He should have looked out for me instead, made sure I was doing OK. Instead he ended up the one to have rejected me, treated me badly that evening, and for what? What had I done that was so bad? I had lovingly reached out for him to show him I loved him (already then I loved him). I came from a family where physical tenderness was something so natural and positive that it never entered my mind that it could be seen as a "show off", especially not something so small, as of one hand in another. I was a shy person and I had no desire to "show off" and to be the center of attention.


Til this day, I was at this birthday party for a kid recently, and there was a young couple there, not the parents, and as they stood in line to get food I saw a simple gesture of him reaching and holding his hand ever so briefly on his girlfriends lower back, the side of it, and soon enough she took her hand to touch his hand, arm, and they did not have to say anything and then they got their food. Of course they did not do that to "show off", it was for them, them knowing they were still connected, it wasn't for other eyes, I just happened to see it. It was almost as if I gasped (but I didn't) as it instantly hurt me, as I knew, I had once had it so special - and after that time in the restaurant - I hadn't had it since. And how precious it really was - to have that. And how easily it can get smashed, it's scary.

I have learned that it does not matter if he and I talk about it, even if it helps he gets me now, it's ruined anyway, as for now at least. I am trying to be more patient with myself. After all I have had it like this for years. I am still so practical when I leave the home and in stores or with his family, it is as if I just shut off that side of me. It was easier that way. That way I didn't get hurt again. And then I think he couldn't have hurt me again, as the damage was already done, I had become "tougher" because of it, so tough even - that I didn't think I needed it. I had become him really, and that wasn't who I really was. Not before. Before I had the magic.

I think once you have that feeling, and it is special, than you should cherish it, before it's gone. Sorry if I sound all dramatic. I wish you all the best with what ever it now is that is going on, and hope you find your way :)

Last edited by asearcher : 09-01-2022 at 08:14 PM.
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