Hi,

just wish to share my thoughts on when/if an initial reaction to something, critique, brought your way if one take defense.

I've been in a relationship with someone who was always doing that, with me, that is. When I came hurt, confused, angry his reaction of defense would make it worse. It would later not be sorted out, all the way. I closed off because being hurt twice about something was more than enough for me and I did not want to "nag", bring it up again, to yet again be met by defense.

He came from a family where the defense-reaction always was.Then smoothing things over as if nothing had happened. But it lingered on. For me it did.

I think Taking defense creates less mental intimacy. In short and long terms.

The way I have felt is that I would take 5 steps forward, daring to be vulnerable, or what ever true emotion I had, and he pushed me 10 steps back.Just when I did not think it could get any worse, it just did.

It is the same as first I had been emotionally punched 1 time. Then I told him I've been that. Then he punched me again by being on the defense.

This is how it is: Taking defense is a sign of low self esteem. It is the opposite what to me he looked like, so secure, angry even, or bottled up.


As for me when someone comes to me I would say stuff like "I'm sorry THAT I hurt you". Or "I'm so sorry I hurt you". Because I was. I did not really then care who or what or when, but that alone I was sorry for, as I loved or liked and respected that person and had had no intention to hurt that someone. Almost immediately there would be a shift in that individual/those individuals faces. I think it was because I validated them, their truth, their feelings and I wanted to hear it, I could take it. I did not go to defense. So I never and never goes IF I hurt you (it is pretty clear I did so I don't know why people use the IF to start with, it is just to undermine someone).

Turns out we could sort it out and often the person coming to me that I had hurt would say stuff like she/he had thought about this and could now understand my side of it too. It always felt as if it was completely sorted out and out of the picture and our relationship remained intact, close.

I think everyone fights, disagrees, misunderstand and that is part of having a relationship with someone. It is how we react that detect more about ourselves than the other one and how we resolve things.

So please if you happen to be in a relationship with someone who always goes on the defense - know this - it's about them, their self esteem, not you, do not doubt your reality or your right to your experience and truth.

After he had taken defense he would be somewhat righteous about it. And then after that he would spin into despair, being apologetic, and being afraid to loose me.

He had been taught you take defense if someone says something to you, then you smooth things over. It made the relationship be "just so", and that was what he was accustomed to and that was his normal. He would say we were close, that he was not used to such a close relationship, when I would most def think we were not close, not how I would think of it. We used to be before before that is things got piled up, accumulating, in this manner.

I would not go to him, I would reflect, keep things to myself, would it be worth bringing up and so on? That's not being close. He would say that too, that he felt he was loosing me, then as if I came back a little bit and then loosing me again and that he did not understand why that was.

He has now changed. I can at this point think it is not something he is faking or is temporarily so. But something has changed. He has put in a lot of mental work deliberately wanting to change and wanting this relationship to work and now done so over quite some time. I'm thinking, hoping he's got a better self esteem these days :)

So do not take it personal if, when it happens, is all I want to say.

We're all mysteries I think, both fascinating, wonderful and terrible at times when we start to unfold reasons why we are the way we are.