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Old 15-06-2018, 09:28 PM
Michelle11 Michelle11 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starman
It seems to me that most human beings practice some type of high risk suicidal behavior regularly, even though they may not think of themselves as being suicidal, still they may have a secret, or subconscious, death wish in practicing such behaviors.

The person who commits suicide is not necessarily mentally ill, although they may be temporarily disturbed

Intentions may come on suddenly and a person kills themselves without much thought or that person may ruminate about killing themselves.

So I think what you are saying here is that suicidal ideations, or thoughts of suicide, may be part of a growing process? Suffering can be a great teacher.

You are exactly right. It is only the past 6 years that I realized how self destructive and suicidal I have been my whole life. I never considered myself to be suicidal but I had a lot of the signs, I just did a really good job ignoring it. I do not have a mental illness and perceive my depression is more of a cognitive issue than a biological one. I was happy as a child but homesick even when I was at home. That was my first sign. As a teen I became moody but never contemplated suicide. I did, however, secretly wish for death by divine intervention. There were many doomsday prophecies going on at the time and I wished one would happen and end all my troubles. When I hit my late teens is when the sudden out of the blue urges to suicide even at times when I was having fun started to happen. I was worried about being stigmatized and uninsurable and unhirable so I just ignored those red flags. I knew there was something dark bothering me but I was too afraid to confront it, I felt I needed to run for my life from it and so it was easy to pretend I was OK. For the most part I was. I was high functioning considering the amount of anxiety, fear and dark feelings I had going on.

In my early 20s is when my behavior got reckless. It is a wonder I made it through that decade but I do think my soul saw fit to give me a body that doesn’t handle controlled substances well because they made me very sick so I could never intake enough to really do me in. I then managed to make a life for myself and thought I had gotten a handle on all of it until a life event in middle age sent me into outright suicidal ideations. It was a harrowing few years but a part of me always knew, despite every fiber of my being wanting to commit suicide, I knew in my heart I could not do it because it wouldn’t fix anything. It made the feelings worse, like not being able to scratch an unbearably painful itch that you desperately need to scratch but I feel it clarifies that I have done it in a past life in an attempt and that I now know it isn’t the answer. So when I hear of someone who goes through with it I understand that they very well don’t have that information yet. They don’t have the ‘Knowing’ that it won’t fix things. So yes, I do think that it is a misguided solution brought on by a person not knowing what else to do to help themselves feel better. At least in the case of those with cognitive depression. Obviously those who are terminally ill or believe it is the righteous thing to do for their religion have other agendas but in some ways I think that they as well will see that it isn’t the answer or a noble thing to do.
Quote:
Often what we call a problem is not the problem; often the problem is our perception of the situation and not the situation itself. I do not believe that our deeper being is damaged by us taking our life, although our perception may be skewed. But it is interesting that one often takes their life to escape a situation, not knowing what they are escaping to. There is a perception that death will automatically bring a relief from what they are trying to escape, but thinking the problem/issue is the location ignores that the issue may be more internal than that. The feeling which one probably seeks in taking their life may be similar to the comfort of returning to the womb, a carefree state.
I like what you said here because I am not sure suicidal people ever think in those terms. We really don’t have a clue what we are escaping to. We just want out of the pain that seems to never end. But I have often heard of people who have tried having instant regret. I do suspect that we are met with love but that initially there is great disappointment in ourselves and then also possibly the knowing that we have to go through it all again becomes clear and something we instantly dread.

In any event, I have had a lovely life by most standards. I had an authoritarian father but most were in my time. He seemed angry a lot but he was never mean, cruel or physically abusive yet I struggled with my self view that eventually turned into outright self rejection because I never addressed it. I see my path to near suicide in the same way. I never addressed the issue early on and it grew into a monster that wanted to annihilate me. I don’t know the answer but I know the stigma attached with depression at the time was very damaging and caused me to hide my pain, which unaddressed turned on me. I am glad to see it is more acceptable to be open about it because I suspect most suicidal people aren’t suicidal on purpose they just have no clue how to fix the pain and have this impulse driving them that is quite frankly, extremely hard to resist. It feels like you Need to do it is the best way I can describe. Resisting the impulse takes a lot of willpower. When you are at a place of lost hope willpower is not all that high. In any event, I think if there was more acceptance when I was younger I may have avoided the decent into darkness in middle age. I feel proud now that I have survived myself and I feel liberated from having to run from the dark feelings but it has been a struggle my whole life. Hopefully things are turning around in regards to mental health issues and people will get help sooner before it reaches a crisis point and the impulses and/or dark feelings are stronger than they can handle.
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