Thank you Izz, that is true. It has been important to me all my life to treat people good, strangers too, so I guess that is too when I notice these sort of actions, as subtly or blunt they may be, as offensive.
We do all have a responsibility, accountability on how we treat others. Mental abuse can and does cause victims of it not only mental scars but also physical from the stress.
As narcs and other abusers knows when to turn it on and off it is a deliberate decision to do so and I hope they will be accountable for it some day in a heaven even if they say nobody will judge you there. That karma will do its thing too. As long as they chose to be that way that they will start to pay instead of the victims.
Somehow something happened inside me after I wrote to Astralsuzy about me contemplating no contact. It is still too early to say, but I felt an inner peace. Before I have been on and on.
I realize this is the decision for me. All contact through my husband. If and when I will see them I will stay neutral and focus on other things. There will be an absolute minimum, if none at all. I will act accordingly what is best for me. There will be no triangulation. There will be no favorits of thinking they have any rights to the grandchild sort of thing. That game is over and out.
This has all been accumulating events over the years of mental abuse from really one stranger (the narc parent) and too in some cases the allowing/enabling parent, because when you do nothing you approve of the mental abuse going on.
This accumulating mental abuse over time has caused me to develop a worse mental state and for that I hold my share of accountability but mostly I do hold it against not just the narc, it's enabling partner but also very much my husband for allowing this all to take place. They will be i hope one day accountable. Then again I can see that the parent and my husband have been enablers because they too have been victims, manipulated, given up their own power, their own voice, and taken on an inferior position and therefor allowing the narc to do further abuse not just to them but to me and even the younger generation.
My daughter is funny. She has a way of saying suddenly to me as she passes me by (has happened 2-3 times now) "I forgive you". I have been dumbfound and asked her what does she mean? (We have not been fighting). Then it can be about me not having heard her or something else that really makes no difference. She has humor in her eyes when she says it. I end up saying "Thank you" and smile too. I think she is on to something. That she knows I don't know better, but she makes me aware of it, you know? And just goes "I forgive you". So this is what I contemplate doing to my husband and his other parent "I forgive you".
I think what my husband and his other parent has in common is that their radar to protect when someone "sticks up" is very different from mine. I go to verbal attack to the abuser, always has been. I see red. I was that way in school too. if someone was bullied I attacked the abuser/s. My dad was the same way.
Now finally my husband is more protective of me and reacts accordingly instead of in his own fear becoming angry with me for sticking up my head to get down. So process on him though.
I think karma and love goes hand in hand. As all the time my husband was allowing this mental abuse to take place on me it hurt me and changed me. Because he was in on it, it was mental abuse from him as well. What happened was that my love for him went down. I distanced myself from him. This he felt. This hurt him. But I told him before I think I loved him too much before and he regulated that love so I would love him accordingly to how he deserved feeling loved while doing what he did to me. So first he was hurting me. But then karma made it so it was hurting him instead. Perhaps it was the hurt he needed to feel to know there was a price to pay for not doing anything. Not doing anything and stand by when someone you love is being abused is an action as well. It is a decision. Often it is being portraid as if no decision is made but it is and it is a conscious one based on where they stand in their inner process.
So one day I believe if not already here on the earth years just like my once dear ex friend while I was in the relationship with a psychopath who said, did what she did to me to his fortune, they will pay too. There will be karma on them too. They will pay. Universe has a way of regulating and figuring that out. Even if they can claim they were in a fog, they didn't know better, had they truly known what was going on they would have taken action. This is all the laws of the Universe. I only felt it. I felt the laws of the Universe go through me and causing the right karma for these relationships. Ain't nothing I can do about it. I just felt it. It went through me.
I did give my ex friend one last chance but during so the psychopath still showed he had one foot in and made contact. That was not suppose to happen. I was not safe, still after several years of silence. And just like before, it was as if he thought he could just start the movie all over again. That must be part of their handicap, that their disorder don't let them know it does not work like that. That you see through that. To me that was scary.
So then on top of that I think "I forgive you", just like my daughter, for not knowing better, and then I feel better myself. It is released. I release it into the Universe and out of my body, and trust that energy will be taken cared off. No longer stay as a poison inside of me. It has to be released.
My earth-love for my husband will hopefully improve, get stronger over time with him making the right decisions, rebuilding himself on how I should view him. The old him made my earth-love go smaller, first I paid the price of that, the hurt, and then him, karma on him then. But I had not treated him the same way. This why maybe his love for me was stronger, why he did not want to let me go but asked for another chance, and said he was going to change. So now we have to rebuilt everything, and hopefully this rebuilt will be stronger and different, and not just me protecting him, but him being the husband and the father we need him to be. I am sure on a higher level my soul loves his eternally, but down here karma rules and there is no escape from karma. What bad they do to others will be done to them.
I hope our past will not stay in the way of our future and going forward, but I feel that the narc has not changed, but I refuse to have it stay in my way. I must place my energy into the relationships that works and the relationships that has hope. There is no hope as far as the narc is concerned. I see the relationship for what it is. And I don't care anymore. It is over as far as I am concerned. even if a narc think it can keep its game up, just start all over (I know that was how the psychopath also worked), just start the movie all over without having resolved anything or taking accountability for anything. Not how it works. I have been in that movie before. They can't fool me. And now I am not really in it. The narc can restart the movie all by itself. I won't be there to play against. I make my own rules this time. I won't bend to my husband if he ever comes up with something I don't want to do. I won't do it. I won't let myself be quilt tripped, manipulated to do it. I have told him this is your family, this is your ****. Don't place it on me. I will separate us if it comes down to that. Support him, that I will always do. But I wont let myself be dragged into something. There is and will be en ever firmer line. I understand that he will have to jump in between now and then as far as his obligation and his love goes to his parents, first family, and that's OK. That is his. His business. Not mine.
I think in time everyone in the family will see the narc and its enablers more or less for what this whole thing is anyways. It is not just me who sees. I know it takes longer for most, and I forgive them for that, but they will get there. One of the things why the narc has such a hold on them is because they do not want to think the unthinkable, that a person can be like that. Or that they can be manipulated like that. They can too be lost in the fog, unable to see straight and unable to have enough strength to fight their way out of the fog-grip. I know in all honesty what that was like. I was this way when my ex, the psychopath, asked for a time out which was only his way of pushing me down further, I know now the psychiatrist was right - he had no intention of letting me go. And it was a surprise to him how fast and how furious I got my strength and clarity back. But I did not do that alone. I had the psychiatrist. And I had the silent support of my family. The rest I rebuilt, stronger. But he could not believe it. That I would say goodbye to all that, that life, all those friends. His mistake. My fortune. He slipped up. He thought I was weaker than I was. The abuse also gets stronger as they feel they loose control over their partner. On the surface I was only there, but in my mind and heart I was not. He was loosing it. And it irritated him. It is all in our heads anyhow. We are as strong as we decide to be. I decided to be strong. I shift in my thinking. And I was already gone. Nothing kept me there. The power of the mind. That he could not have. He could only have what I gave to him. And now I gave him nothing. He would try to intimidate me back by doing crazy stuff, one time even a stranger came to say something to me in a store, sent by him I think, still today it is a blur, how that could have happened. He wanted me scared. He wanted me to think what ever he was involved with that all those people could be anywhere, anytime and report back to him about my whereabouts, and that he would work through other people, manipulate them to see me how he wanted them to view me. That he could make or break me, through them. Make my universe. Break my universe. Built me. Destroy me. Also all the subtle ways. Made him pass by gates. But he knew that I knew what he was really saying. It was like that in the relationship and it was like that afterwards. As long as he knew I knew the message got across. Had I told that to the police they would have gone this is not a threat enough. It was not like the movies where it is so blunt like "I will kill you!". The subtle ways was too to partly try to make it out as if I was crazy for interpreting it the way I did, when all along his eyes, his looks, everything told me I was not crazy. That that was exactly what was meant. To think he would even do this to his girlfriend/fiance during a time when he did not even know if I was pregnant or not with his child. All those stress hormones.
That too is alike how this narc parent works - tried to make others see me a certain way, not to allow them to make their own judgement of me, could not afford that they would actually like me. The psychopath would shift from this cold (scare tactics) to hot (great words about love, how much he loved me still etc but I knew they did not mean anything). The constant shift is something I have seen for the longest time in how the narc parent operates and keep it's victims "just there". Even if I had forgotten so much I think from day one what the narc portraid was subconsciously a reminder. I still don't know why I had to go through this, but hope that now it is finally over in a way.
I have noticed they too take actions to limit themselves, to protect their families. We are the next generation. We need to protect ourselves, our marriage, our children. They will wake up. All in it's time. it is just that I got to the finishing line before they. Maybe because of my past and/or my strong intuition. To be fair, my husband's scapegoat sibling was already there. Has been the protector, friend, the believer I needed instead of my husband. Today my husband says he feels ashamed about that. We just have to wait the others in.
I feel the peace. God, was that needed or what.
Last edited by asearcher : 18-05-2022 at 01:43 AM.