Izz,

it is wonderful what you describe about your astral traveling by accident to your friend like that and how it made you feel afterwards.

I really can't tell, I have not looked at it from that perspective before how, why he was able to do that.

I know that twice during our love making (long periods in between) I had two very different I guess you could call it spiritual experiences. In one of them I knew someone I loved was in sudden trouble and interrupt what we were up to and began calling in a frantic way (on the phone).

Afterwards I knew I had some explanation to do and I was afraid he would see me as crazy. He said I had been all woman a moment ago and then a little girl the next. He would not push me to explain what had happened to me. He would not judge. I could tell he wanted to talk about it more, but I forbid him to. I couldn't explain it myself. And as before i was always afraid of my sensitivity and the history of mental illness in my family that was this hush-hush secret so I felt like that could have been a sign then that I was not mentally as stable as I thought or pretended I was. And even if one was to prove one was right they were then to be afraid of yo u.

I think when we broke up it was actually a trauma. It was something that happened suddenly, without warning. I had not been unhappy with him. I did not know had he been unhappy with me. I do understand there was a mental battle really going on with him as I had put my foot down and if he was to be with me then no drinking. I did try to help him but i got NO support, no support from his family, our friends, I was even worked against, I remember someone he knew would just force himself right in our home and be drinking naturally and so he would keep drinking. And I was seen by that someone as the enemy, as someone who was trying to control my fiance. I never liked that guy's energy, I knew he was bad news. I think also he was envious of what we had.

Before all this I thought for sure a family and friends would be by your side as you would tell the one with the problem that now you have to go to rehab, but they actually fought against me. The only one who stood by me was my mom, as she too knew exactly what this was about. And she would also later say that "of all the people (in his family and friends, surrounding, she too had been at those parties) he was the one to get hooked" and how tragic that was.

But anyways the break up came when we were so young still and I remember there was no support from his family to try to get us back together and I could feel that you know. That lack of support. Even if he later on would tell me they missed me and couldn't be happier and wanted to meet me again (this was when we began to date a short period years after our initial break up).

So being that young this was suppose to be nothing really, the break up. You were just suppose to get up and get on, get moving. It was taken for granted that he would find someone else and I would find someone else. That this wasn't a big deal.

But I realize now afterwards - that the break up in itself was trauma to me. He was home to me. Our home was home to me. I had completely let my guard down. Just shortly in relation to the break up he had leaned himself to kiss me on the side of my head and I swear I could feel his love for me in his kiss. Later on I thought was that his kiss goodbye? Had he decided already then?

It was no use fighting or talking to him about the break up later on as he would not buy my truth about what was said and what had happened. But then again he himself could not remember which I thought was strange and had difficulty believing, but now looking it up years later I have come to realize that he could have had a brain damage. That this is something that happens to people on the recovery even so even if they are sober and they can answer you just fine and seem to function fine (and he did) he will not remember. Besides shortly after the break up he showed up and to me it looked as if he had a heavy hangover, so I had a feeling it was on again. He got me out - and he drank. Mission accomplished. He got what he wanted. Never mind that he threw me under the buss.

He tried to manipulate me, I guess for the first time in our relationship, for me to accept his drinking and I wasn't having that. I had checked out.

He would later on during rehab call me (he wanted us to meet at first but I said no) and he then apologized. it was a short call and I was in a hurry (as i was afraid that my luv would check my cell phone later to see how long we talked, he knew we were going to talk). He would say I was the first one he called (and I can imagine they have a list of people they want to talk to to say they were sorry) and I joked with him and said that we better hurry up then as there must be many calls on his list, and he laughed too, we had the same twisted humor . I did get serious and said of course I forgive him and that I wished him truly all the best with his life and being sober. That was the last we spoke that day.

When once my luv saw him and me just talking at this big event he said later he got upset because to him it looked as if we were husband and wife, and when we tried to work it through he came to the conclusion that I had not done, said anything to indicate that, I had no romantic feelings for my ex, I truly had not, he had been around me for years before and I just did not have them and we saw each other as friends, but my luv said that he thought if he just got a chance, if we broke up, he would be right there and he could play the friend card or any other card, but that it was obvious to him the way he looked at me that he still had feelings. I tried to tell him that I think my ex pretty much had that for any woman then. How was I to know or help how he happened to look at me? Or if he really was that is, and now how my luv saw it?

And so my luv would have these strange nightmares he said where I kept withdrawing from him and that I was going to return to my ex. That in the dreams the ex was calling for me. I don't know what that was but I assured him that if something would happen it would have happened long before, before i even met my luv and fell in love with him. That my past with my ex had nothing to do with the present moment and us. That it would be then impossible for me to fall in love with another man if I was still in love with my first ex from so long ago.

Then out of the blue my first ex made a letter to me but my luv ripped it apart and the first sentence or so was that I was the love of his life. It had been years of silence now between us and all of a sudden that letter. I was fearful it was a suicide letter or a call for help and that I had to somehow retrace and call someone, do something, meanwhile my luv was furious.

What I think was the reason behind the letter is that my ex at the time was what he was going through at the time and did not know if he was going to make it, so it was not a suicide note, but it was a goodbye letter just in case he would die and not say what he wanted said before. Could also have been he was just single and wanted to try his luck. I am guessing he could have looked for closure or he could have looked for a new way in? I will never know. But it then gave my luv the right to say he knew it all this time and I Had not listened to him that my first ex was still into me that way but just hiding that he wasn't. But I don't know about that. He did have other girlfriends in the meanwhile. Maybe he was nostalgic about that time in his life when we had it going on as a total.

What I found strange is that when he would show up, my first ex that is, almost frozen in a specific position and just look during my astral travel. Like all of a sudden there he was, out of place to me. And I could not understand it then. Then I realize that was the moment when I was walking towards him after I had seen a psychiatrist and was to tell him I could not see him any more like that (in a romantic way, that I gave that up, we were also in two different places then in life, he was then sober, had a good job he liked, life in order, and I was at the bottom trying to untangle myself from the psychopath and was starting to understand I had to change my life completely. I had those stupid panic attacks and I was afraid I was never to be the woman he had remembered me to have been and that I did not want to drag him down with me. I did not want to use his love like that.). Anyways, so he turned up like that numerous times during astral traveling, like some sort of echo from my subcounscious. I know as I walked towards him I was still not sure what to do - if I should continue seeing him or not but then I made the decision to not. That he deserved better. I had very little to give of myself at the moment and that was not his fault.

After I realized all this - I don't see that frozen statue of him anymore from that moment.

I have had experiences as if it is him walking but faster than in real life zooming me by and also a smell of his type of cigarette and later on been awoken by my feet being tickled which i then did not remember only later that this is how he used to wake me up before he was off to work. i have thought if my subcounsciuos made him,t hese experiences or if it has been truly him and if so has he himself been just dreaming and it has happened or has he known fully from the get go this is what he is going to do and I have no answer to that.