Hi Astralsuzy!

Thanks, glad I could help out too :)

yes, Nasty or Narcissistic -same bad result, at least in that situation, LOL. Please, think of yourself as lucky to not have her in your lives, there would only be more damage, I'm afraid.

Today it hit me that the way the narcissist in my life - it's partner - the children's dad's other parent - why it has been so in the shadows...

When I was a psychopath's girlfriend - I used to shield people from us, because I knew his true face and I did not want them to get too close, as I understood when people got too close - like I was - he would start to treat them badly (or more badly than before).

It is impossible to even call the children's dad's other parent without the other (the narcissist) either taking the call or listening in. It has the other parent in such a grip.

When I happened to have had a private moment with the other parent when the narcissist is busy doing something else for the spare moment - we get along fine. I like this other parent.

I have viewed it get to be bullied too by the narcissists, bad jokes on it's expense - this is what narcissists often do - to feel superior and to not make the one they really "love" or need - to feel good about itself. If it feels good enough about itself it will then give it power to stand up, and to protest and no longer be in the controller's control. So it always keeps it "right there".

I've been told, and read, that some brains are more sensitive to anxiety than others, and when one has that one needs to feel as if one is in control. Controlling another person is the most difficult thing.

I know the children's dad has said that in those type of situations that I have told him about - where the narcissist has said, done something and I have confronted - that even if I say I felt very much afraid , that he persists in saying you do not look afraid - you look very angry and you can speak well for yourself.

I have heard it at work too that in specific moments where I have felt this genuine fear inside of me - that they say that I looked angry, so to me it is strange that if I feel such fear - why then do I look angry? They too have said they had no idea I could be as assertive as I can be, and up against just anyone when I get like that, they often just see me as this soft and friendly thing. It's when I have had enough, I suppose. Then there is this shift. But it is still awful - I feel my fear, but I look like something else.

the children's dad has said that if you would have looked afraid - then I would have understood and then I would have cut in, but because you didn't - and you too kept all these other comments and other stupid stuff to yourself, without telling me - I didn't know.

I know in the past he would ask me if something was up, as he thought I was withdrawing and it seemed to him as if I did not want to be around the narcissist. I did not want to say too much because I did not want to make a big deal out of it and did not want any more conflicts or the fear really to face the children's dad's words if he belittled it or did not believe me. When I finally did tell him he said of course I believe you, I'm so sorry, I don't know what's wrong with (the narcissist).

He has said we will all be on our toes this time and if I miss something and someone else notice something that we will speak up and we will protect you, and anyone else, you don't have to think about that. He has asked me to come up with a code word or something in case he misses it, if something's up. That he will at all times have his eyes on the narcissist so it will not follow me where nobody else is to hear what is being said or done to me. I am at this point trying not to get nervous, I am not looking forward to this one bit.

He has said he will do what ever it takes to save our family (from him and I to go through with the final split) and that he did not realize before just how serious this was. Before when I would bring it up he would say I was "so sensitive", and now he knows I am not. I have actually forbidden him to use that word to me the way he does.

I have told him that I can't be in a relationship for too long where I feel bad that I can't promise him the moon and back, I have this "Bubble plast" around my heart as for now.

I have too understood something else I think. Before I was on and on about couple's being equals as in equals in giving and taking for there to be balance, harmony.

Now I understand looking back that I suffered for so long with him when I gave and gave, and gave up on my self respect along the way as well - my way of fighting for the relationship - while he did no such thing, and would stay blind and deaf. He was aware we were having problems but he thought still we were good to go. He too felt I was slipping away from him, and he was sometimes just waiting for me to return (mentally, in my heart) and other times he was very much alarmed and would get angry (and needed to feel more in control).

If something bad will happen - where the narcissist won't behave around me, or us - I am almost hoping for it to happen so I can see if the children's dad has changed or if it is just empty words.

We were once so close and I never thought all of this would happen to us. Even if I feel selfish and stupid - not having that much to give at the moment to the relationship - he says it's OK, it's his time now to fight and to give more to save us, and if we don't at least he knows I was good enough to give him one last chance, for him to prove he has changed (and for me too to have proven that I have changed in other ways), and so if we don't make it - then at least we know we have done everything we could. That he needs this last chance. Then too if it get smashed, if it don't work, it will be too easier for him to move on.

We love the children so much. At least we have managed to keep their well being our important priority in all this.