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So according to you, we respond to you just so we can feel like we are doing something good.
Perhaps we see someone who is suffering and we genuinely want to help. But it is difficult to provide practical help over the internet which is why we have made many suggestions that you reach out and contact those who can offer such help person to person.
Whatever we say, you seem to throw it back in our faces. I don't actually understand what is going on with you, because whenever I ask for simple clear descriptions of your situation and how you have tried to resolve it, you say things like "I want to die and not have a future as a spirit, unless as a spirit I am my past self." This leaves me none the wiser.
You say "I've bottled up my emotions for years." It sounds like all these repressed feelings are now coming to the surface and it is overwhelming you. So you use dramatic language like you are being lobotomised and bits of your soul are being ripped from you. But this does not help us to understand what is really going on.
It also sounds like you carry a huge burden of guilt, when you say things like "I'm sorry to everyone I ever failed/hurt." Perhaps you think of yourself as a terrible person who is not worthy of being loved because of whatever it is you might have done. I can only assume that you were deeply rejected as a child, and you have internalised this and blamed yourself. But this is only an assumption because you don't actually provide any information to help us understand.
And you say "Everyone I would've had as an ally or helper is gone." Perhaps they have gone because you rejected them, just as you reject us and our attempts to help you. This would fit in with the possibility that you yourself were rejected as a child. Such rejection creates the mindset of "All those I love abandon me and reject me, so I will deal with it by rejecting them first. If I reject them before they reject me then they cannot hurt me."
This is all speculation, because I can only look for clues in your posts in the absence of any real information.
And maybe you will also reject all of this and say I am just responding so I can pat myself on the back and say to myself "What a wonderful caring fellow I am."
But it is also possible that I see someone who is suffering, and (like most of us) I too have suffered from having to deal with overwhelming suppressed emotions. So I try to help, because I know that once all these old fears and pain have been released then we can live in a state of balance and harmony.
Peace
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