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Originally Posted by asearcher
I never grew up in a household where we put each other's bodies down. My parents were not at all like that nor any other male or female relative like aunts and uncles, grandparents. I have not at all been accustomed to this.
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You are honestly fortunate for this (sorry I hope this doesn't come off as patronizing, but it is from my perception) as I've had to deal with toxic relative that puts down about appearance, pressures and even makes comparisons to dehumanize another (once a paternal relative of mine was put down, being called 'oh shes not lucky in those relations because of how she looks and see she likes the color purple too much' something weird like that)
We have similarities and differences in our experiences overall
This is how I know that your luv needs to do his inner work of breaking away from that dysfunctional family member of his - not only physically, but more so mentally and it's most important as to 1) not recreate the few dysfunctional patterns 2) not to enable passing down limiting beliefs to children
As for my soulmate partner, he is always encouraging and affirming about my physical appearance (being that my love language is words of affirmation). He said that he appreciates how beautiful and sweet looking I am. He comforts when I ask for it. Albeit he slipped up on occasions with the comments about the outfits I was wearing, he tries to take accountability. Thankfully he does not have a dysfunctional family member that causes him to act out in any way. I am still learning life lessons with him in this path. Of which I've said he teaches me to live in and seize the moment (being more in the present)
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Originally Posted by asearcher
I have been part of his family for so long and been exposed to this for so long...that I was run down when I finally told him I wanted a split (the first time)
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I am really sorry to hear about how you were run down. This is why his inner work is a priority. And not only just physical removal from the dysfunctional family member - but also mental chains. Mental chains as in he must disrupt that enablement of which he could potentially pass those limiting beliefs to his children - and it feels like you were put in his path to make him do just that.
To be the "Stop sign" to him, the "stop sign" that tells him "
NO YOU ARE NOT TO PASS DOWN THESE LIMITING BELIEFS. NO MORE." Hugs
From what you've described to me, he doesn't sound like he's a narc, albeit you know him better than I do. however when you first described him to me, if you remember I asked you if he was the golden child because I could detect that kind of victimization from him - and what inner work he needs to get done
About that paradox - this is something that a golden child unfortunately got subjected to - contradicting beliefs, as imposed by such a dysfunctional family of origin. Yes, that's unfortunate he was victimized that way. BUT he is now a father, a partner, and thus I emphasized a few times his responsibility in not passing down the limiting beliefs - and getting the FULL EFFECTS of what that "grey rock method survival coping mechanism" can do to others around him
Yes I have recognized the effects of the toxic woman relative in my life. I myself had to deal with some contradictions you see? Why I have had more male friends than women friends in my lifetime. Why I used to draw in woman abusers like that accusatory friend I told you about, which mirrored the toxic one in my life. Why I must now keep certain intentions and goals in life to myself. Etc
That's inner work
This May, perhaps it is also good to focus on the little and big joys right now, at present, although certain things do frustrate us