[CosmicWonder]

Hii all,

I just need to sort this out for a moment.

So, when I do well, everything stable, there is this gift from above to make it even better. I am a guy who mostly hangs with woman, and there are some issues with that. So when I do well, I usually have like 2 or 3 good friendships that are worthy and special. Then when everything is stable, a fourth and a fifth stop by. At that point, I totally mess up. I want to be with a group of friends. So that is golden. But somehow something gets in my system. I would get fights and unreasonable discussions. In the moment it seems like I am justified. But it keeps happening. Woman call me toxic sometimes at that point. Even though that isn’t correct. It’s more that I get nervous I guess.

What plays a role as well, is intimacy. I have a certain lack of intimacy in my life. So it gets hard to separate out the friendships from romantic stuff. I notice too I get proud because I have more friends than I ever thought I’d have. And somehow pride usually means my loss.

I haven’t figured out what to do about this yet,
So I’ll probably post it. Anyway, I seek a way to do emotional inner work for this. Maybe accepting that I shouldn’t be proud or figuring out a way to be proud as a start. And also, working through the nervousness.

Much kindness,

CW