Hi,
I was reading your post, and I wanted to tell you, I know how it feels with the way things are. I had a similar past, I am straight, but everyone had always found ways to pick on me or bully me.
You have a right to exist, you've got your free will, your own life, you don't need to worship anyone. I know losing him would mean as you hold him on a pedestal, it feels like you're losing something precious to you because you put yourself below him. The healing sessions and all help only for the moment, but you have to be ready to truly let go. Someone like him is not worth it, if you two were on equal ground things it would be different, absolutely. He seems a bit shallow though. But worshipping someone who is supposed to be your equal as in a romantic relationship won't ever work out because you're not getting the reciprocation of respect and love you deserve. You do deserve good, a better life, someone who doesn't play games with you. Things could be different, but it isn't, I'm sorry to say. You know this kind of thing doesn't work. But you've kind of been clinging to what could be for you, because you do admire him still. You want to be like him, but thing is he has had a different life than you. He has his way of handling things, and you do recognize what you need to change if you will it, and you can. Be the person you want, love yourself, find the good traits in you.
I wish you the best, the cord will be cut and disappear once you're ready to completely let him go. I wish you the best.