shivatar - that's an interesting thing that you point out. What you describe, people sensing my fear and vulnerability and therefore attacking (like a wild animal) - that describes people who are narcissists, ie abusive, manipulative, and downright evil. There is a theory that such people are demonically possessed. I can well believe that as I have indeed been in the presence of evil. Such evil people instill a lot of fear in me, and fear is always from a negative source.

You mention healing. It's difficult to heal when the abuse is ongoing. If it was in the past then yes, I could heal and eventually put it behind me. But I have to deal with attacks on an almost daily basis. Every day I have to make very quick decisions how to try to stay safe. Every decision that I make, down to such small decisions as when and where to go grocery shopping, is based on how to stay safe - I have to calculate where I can go at what time to at least try and keep attacks to a minimum, to try to avoid people that are stalking me. When walking or driving along somewhere, I have to think which way to go, when to cross a road etc based on which areas to avoid so as to stay safe. Every moment of my life is nothing but considering how to stay safe and how to avoid more attacks. I am in constant fear because despite my careful considerations, I keep getting attacked and threatened.

In such circumstances it's impossible to heal. I don't even have time to heal, to spend time concentrating on myself. All my concentration goes on what to do next and how to organize my life to avoid attacks, and on trying to cope with the constant shocks resulting from the attacks and threats. I'm in survival mode 24 hours a day, all that matters is surviving, dealing with the shocks, trying to get back to normal after each attack, thinking what to do next. There is no time for anything else, no time for quiet contemplation, for meditation, for doing something for myself such as having a hobby.

It's interesting that you say I should just show how I feel and not constantly pretend to be ever so happy. Whilst I am a very positive person by nature, and like to smile at people and enjoy the few enjoyable moments that I get, there are obviously many moments where I feel afraid, miserable, in despair. I learned to pretend to be happy even during such moments because people kept accusing me of being "negative", I got told nobody wanted to be friends with me because people want happy and "bubbly" people as friends, not someone who is sad or afraid. I got basically told it was my own fault that I have no friends and that nobody wanted anything to do with me, some even accused me of having a dark cloud over me.

So I started to put on a happy face towards everybody else even when I don't feel like it. Has this gotten me any friends, anyone who cares? No - I'm in the same position as I've always been, nobody talks to me, nobody looks at me, nobody wants anything to do with me. But at least now nobody can accuse me of being "negative".

I do think however that there is a spiritual reason for all this, whether a curse or whatever it is, because I have never heard of anyone suffering so much abuse, so many attacks, and such extreme misfortune. Not even people who are extremely depressed, loners, homeless, or in any other way seen by society as "not fitting in", are confronted with constant abuse from all sides. Not even the meanest of people are being treated with such contempt. Even the worst of criminals does not get hated on sight everywhere. There must be more to it. I just don't know what it is.