Why does the feeling return?
When I was a young child I would have the same nightmare over and over. That I was a grown female who died, could not breath and the circumstances around it. Think one of the last people I thought of as her was her family and her ex husband whom she at the time had a friendship with.
When I later in life happened to move about to the same area where she use to be I would begin to have unexplained flashbacks and finally after some years of this was told it was my past life.
The flashbacks would mostly be about the ex husband. Which I thought was strange. But it did not seem to be something I could do something about. It just was. I kind of got accustumed to it. I could get them fighting one minute, him giving her what I assume was her first kiss in another when she was young.
Later searched and found out that my memories were true.
I would remember the downfall of the marriage. What I did. They had struggled for years to try to make it work. They weren't bad people. They were just really different. He easily took over, talked, and pretty much ruled her from day one.
During the marriage I could feel her having a depression.
I think as long as she was afraid of her husband she could not relax and she could not love him the same. It was painful to watch because I could tell he really tried to make up for his temper. Think it was complicated. That it was stuff from his childhood. That it was the pressure of his career. He too drank.
I don't think she knew who she was. She look like he wanted her to look and so on. I don't think he was all to blame, I think it was just a bad combination of her being the way she was and he the way he was. She was too like me, very sensitive and anger was a difficult feeling for her to face from him. I just think it got to be an evil circle.
The end of the marriage shocked me when it came to me. She let another man kiss her and hold her in his arms, but she was not into him one bit. It felt as if she did this just so that her husband would let her go once and for all.
The shame rattles inside me and has done this ever since I was a teenager, at first I could not understand where it came from but then when I had this it made sense.
It comes in periods. I don't know why.
Do I still have these feelings because I have not been forgiven? Why do they come in periods? Anyone else had this and know why? I am so used to it now I know I just have to go through it once again, but it is no start or finish as I have been through it now, this bad feeling, a lot of times and know it will most likely return to me.
Last edited by asearcher : 18-11-2020 at 10:55 PM.