I can relate Supersteel. I can remember my years in my 20's. I made one bad choice after another. I put myself in harms way over and over. They were times of shiftless antagonism. I thought, "Why does god allow such suffering?" If this is all there is, then I don't see the point."
I was a tangle of negative emotions. For years. And bad things kept happening to me.
Suicide? Yeah. That to. I even tried a few times. I didn't want to live in a world of such pain and suffering. But I survived.
As I grew older, the emotional dust began to settle. And I saw the patterns of my life. It wasn't good. I felt shame for all the anger and rage I felt. I felt dirty. Unclean.
More years passed. I left the church I was raised in. I decided to strike out on my own. So I began reading spiritual books that I felt attracted to. That made sense to me. It took many years to untangle all those beliefs taught to me from the "church". I began to accept that I was who I was and stopped apologizing for every thing I did that the "church" said was wrong. I stopped believing in sin.
Then I began forgiving myself. Loving myself. Putting me first. And I finally found peace.
Advice, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stop apologizing for everything you do. Start saying, "You don't like me? FINE! Just move on." Be you. Good, bad and ugly. The whole package.