thank you for the kind words
I am not an atheist. my moms side is very religious and I went to yeshiva in Manhattan as a child. we are not religious now at all. my brother is atheist but hes a science and computer programmer guy and everything has to calculated and be logical. and hes happier than me. he doesnt have this issue.
I already burned my mezuzot yamaka and tehilim I had.
I would love to disconnect from god and be atheist. I cant do it though. all day everyday I curse at him out loud. Im looking like an idiot talking to myself. I finger him and say nasty things. all day. I have massive pent up anger and hate for him. I may be one of the only jews who hates jews and judiasm.
Maybe you just are going through a spiritual crisis of some kind
probably. I never had such bad luck and such coincidences. its just not reasonable that theyre all together. even my brother says im having a huge stroke of bad luck. and the only religion he believes is , is religion of the jedi in star wars. I feel at times my sanity is gone.
we had lockdown and I had no work. going from wedding photographer to working in a small supermarket. we had cops come in. many time already I would run the cycle of stealing a gun from the female officer who come in the evening to buy some snacks and shoot myself. if you gave me a gun I would not hesitate a millisecond to shoot myself . I just dont know how id remove the safety or how to fire it. I ask not to wake in the morning.
I already thought of the other ways but it would be too much effort or suffering. a gun would be best. we cant buy guns here like you can in the usa in every store. you go through hell of background checks.
I dont talk to my family or friends from stress. I hear there troubles all the time and they cant relate to my situation so I tell them on whatsapp im busy.
if I had a technique to disconnect my mind from god. I would then slowly could move over to atheism but instead im just cursing and holding anger at him. its like wanting to move on from an ex but you cant since they are in your mind and breaks you emotionally.
I have to say it all started from june last year. I had a bad motorcycle accident. 7 broken ribs collapsed left lung and broken collar bone. after healing, usually people are so happy to be alive and have energy for life.
I felt the opposite. I had a very sharp focused picture of life. it was nothing special. life people and in general was just a boring concept. it felt like I woke from the matrix and saw people all around on auto pilot not seeing what **** life really is. tons of hardships people go through around the world. day to day suffering and nothing to show for when they die.
long rant. apologies. I wish I could erase that I knew of god or a higher power from my head. I think id be in a better place.