Hi Fallingleaves and Lostsoul13! You make good points I think :)

It seems to me the people that will go "but what will the neighbors think" are the one with more fragile egos.

I can be insecure and before when younger more insecure sometimes, but still I never cared about what all these strangers might think or not and I def did not think strangers were more important than a person I love is.

I look at my current now with "new eyes" a new perspective than I did before when I was caught in the storm, it has been a long process, years of it. I didn't know. I remember I came to this forum to ask for help really to try to understand and people has been very helpful. In my own reality I did not dare to ask anyone.

When I was in another relationship with a psychopath even my friends became ours and I would never say anything bad about him or our problems. I would never say anything to my family. Nobody knew. I think I felt as if I would be disloyal to him if I had. People have told me overall so many secrets I will never reveal no matter what. I was afraid of any potential consequences, how he would react if he found out.

I came to understand that even as he was so callous really with his true regard for people, and how he treated those who were suppose to be closest to him, and instead was so eager for "new blood", new people, that those were his priorities. Even if he must have been told growing up at least that that's not the way to go. You don't put strangers or close to strangers or new friends before you do your loved ones. You know your own priorities. He didn't. These were his priorities. I often felt, particularly the months before, as if I stood in his way, that he was easily irritated by my presence alone, yet he had asked for it. Now looking back he was asking me favors to do for his friends or him, as I think he understood that they all liked me or they wanted it done and so then he could look good because I did something, not that he did it (he was lazy).

When we were splitting up and afterwards I still never said anything bad about him. It was while doing that I understood the messages he was sending me - that he would use people like that, manipulate them. At first I just thought OK he must think I am saying bad things about him and I wasn't. With the few breaks ups I have been through I haven't said bad things about my exes to anyone in real life. I have said things like "It hasn't worked out", "I don't know" or "this is what he said" - because that was what he said when he broke up with me.

In the few breaks ups I have not felt as if I wanted them back because I thought the way they behaved themselves was simply not something I would want in "My man".

With my current, again, during all our troubles, I never - just once - just one time - I confided in someone. It was about a disagreement we had had and at the time he was with his first family and his parents were on "his side" and they more or less tried to force me to think differently and adapt, and he just looked indifferent really, I was completely minored as a mom at that incident. As I was to confide to someone, and I later told him (that person had agreed with me), he got angry with me how I could have done that. That I made him look bad. I then said to him but did you not confide into your parents - were not your parents and you ganging up on me or did I imagine that? How do you think that felt for me? Who was in my corner? Were you in my corner? No you were not. So yes this time, this only time, I have confided in someone, for guidiance and help, and if you want to be angry about that you be that. I don't care. If I were you though I would be more concerned to what you are doing to this relationship - but go ahead, you care so much about what some other person think of you, that I make you look bad. How do you make me look in front of your family? But that's ok. Its always OK to treat me badly isn't it? It's OK to treat me this way only I never do you. I have always looked out for you when you have been with my family and with my friends. Not you. God, we have had such fights... I really do try to not go back in time and think about it as I get all angry again.

I understand now that his tough fasade, his though face,really, and the silence for me to fill in the blanks...that he was the one insecure - or shy really, at social gatherings, and that was why he was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. People did not even understand we were a couple, they always assumed I was someone's friend and that was why I was there, and I would look around and I would see that there were no mistakes with other couples, just our little family. They either thought I was single with kids or that I didn't bring my man. They did not understand what part of the family I represented. It was one blooper after another. And when I explained no, I am so and so - and he (his name) is so and so - they would have that look of surprise to them. And he would say once we got in the car again Oh thank God that's over with! Now we can just go home and be alone!
One time he called me out partying with friends and said over the phone that he wanted me there, and once he got home he said how he really missed having me there, and I was like what? when I am there - you are nowhere to be found. what do you mean you miss me when I'm not there?

I did not care about what other people thought, that they did not understand we were even a couple, but I did understand that he was minorising me by his behavoir, without understanding he was maybe. He could not understand the entire part where if he takes me into his world he could kind of consider to look out for me. But no. But then again he could hardly look out for himself, running around there like some frighten rabbit just counting the hours but having that tough, "cool" look to him. He would cut off from me - and that was what was bothering me but I too cut off from him. It was so early on we had this problem. And it just continued to be that way. I focused on others, and he - I don't know if or what he focused on to be honest. It was not that I was ashamed that other people did not understand that we were a couple, and a family, but that I was hurting over his behavior towards me. I also knew I could not do anything about his behavior. One time I did try. I said "Are you shy? I'm shy too. Could we be shy maybe together?", to try to get to him, me trying to say I miss you, at these gatherings, where do you go? Why do you leave me like that, or us? I suppose one is not allowed to call a guy shy...but I think that has been his problem the whole time.

He is way better these days, but we have only tried it few times as it is the pandemic and you are not suppose to meet in large groups and it has been smaller groups and lots of space. I don't really know what other people will think or not, if they will see a change and maybe they won't, and maybe they will, that has not been the issue for me, ever. I just did not like the disconnection between us. There was something broken with us.