please, first lots of love to you...
I understand completely. I've lived pretty much what you wrote ALL MY LIFE!
I can assure you I know exactly how you feel.
And after I reached my heaviest and my lowest low and at 40! I felt helpless .....
I will tell you what I did to break that horrible cycle.....
I first realised it was A HORRIBLE CYCLE!
It all stemmed from me.
From a young girl I absorbed so much negativity about my weight and self image I was suffering from other people's branded comments in my psyche....media doesnt help having perfection flashed in hour face 24/7.....
I just looked at myself and hated this and that and the other.....
I sounded frustrated and angry and was very abusive in how I wanted to force my body to be what I believed r it should be and listened to endless tips to doing exercise I didn't like only becuase I thought that was what would work.
And I had been there and done that so many times so at the last time I reached my worst I was like " how I am I going to fix this?!?!?!?NOW..... At forty.....
First negative thought to come to mind....
Becuase I readit , and hear it here and there" oh, it's very hard to lose weight after such and such an age"
I figured im screwed cuase even when I was younger I had difficulty, now it will be almost impossible!
Then I realised sth.
What am I doing? To myself? What am I saying to myself?
I noticed the worst pattern of all ive always had.
I abused myself....
Yes, I hate myself basically is what I am saying to me.
I look at myself and I am cruel to myself.
I looked in the mirror and I said" if someone else were to come to you with this issue would you talk this way to them?"
And I said " never"
" then why do you do it to yourself?"
Yes I had that aha moment.
I was thinking all wrong....
So , I changed my attitude to love.
" I hate....." Was stricken from my thoughts.
I first learned to love my body, even how it was....it was an inner reprocess ....
I tried to stop the demands of my thighs needling to look a certain way, my arms and so on....
And I just listened to my body...what does it want .....what does it need..
I was careful with what I ate, I found exercise my body took well to....everyone's body is different so what I do may not work for someone else....
I envisioned a better me ....not someone else I'd like to be like.
I set no goal, meaning I wasnt about to push myself to lose 20 pounds in a month...
As long as I felt well, did sth positive and incorporated it into my life andENJOYED IT it was fine by me....
Simple huh?
Well within a year, I reached almost my size from when I was a teen!
And believe me it was a huge difference......
And I didn't kill myself either working out....
My metabolism boosted so much I had to hold back, and I dd less exercise than when I used to jog for two hours when I was 28-30......
Point is, it all started with my mentality.....
Love yourself....don't do to your self what you wouldn't do to others, it's a huge mistake and the negativity alone we put onto ourselves just exerts more pressure /stress on us and it created blockages.....
I hope you find your own formula, and a lot of great advice here, I only had to ad " love yourself!" Hugs