[Ewwerrin]

I used to be able to acces that lucid dream reality, quasi physical, 5th dimension where time and space are more fluid, and one can acces any probable reality from the present. Also able to shift consciousness out of body, during broad day standing tall and fully waking day light present moment physical time space reality here and now experience. My consciousness was so flexible it could literally become a pen on a table. That was just one of the miracles of being of that higher dimensional state of consciousness.

Then I thought about "losing that ability and not being able to stabilize my reality navigation." and I thought, what could I ever fall back towards, or unto, if I ever do get lost? Negative believes, fear based believes popped up, before I really was able to make the leap fully into the embracing of the 5th dimension.

I wondered, how do I know what I really want? Which reality I want to tune into? Am I really capable of creating my own reality forever? And the idea popped up, that it's all fake, if I am the creator of all of it, then I am the only being who exists forever, alone. All one.

This is where I got lost. Suddenly not wanting to be the creator of my own reality. And realising, that I could only create the experience of not being the creator of my own reality. It's like a prison from which there is no escape. I am forever responsible for everything. When I cannot even give rise to the sun. How am I going to be able to embody full responsibility for the eternal creation of my own reality? If I can choose bondage? How can I trust myself forever?

This is where I lost my orientation. From the 5th dimension. And basically got stuck in immeseruable suffering, confusion and despair.

Very rarely I still do experience tipping my toe into the 5th dimension. It is the most profound place to be. Where one knows everything and everything is perfectly made out of bliss. And everything and every experience that is made is always perfect, and this is clearly known. As a frequency of perception and consciousness that is able to know that greater knowing and have full acces to it, as it always exists.

Even now, I know that that place or state of consciousness or being or frequency or mode of perception, exists. Yet I am not able to acces it, because there is no way to identify it. To remember it. To reactivate it. Or to revisit it. For it is not even a place. It exists right here and now. On this planet earth. It is part of our greater non-physical consciousness. It is the source of all things. It is the current that flows through all things.

Yet there is no way to acces it. Also no way of remembering it, because the very ability to remember it, means, you are there. All knowing comes from that state of being. So wanting to be and abide in that state of profound clear knowing, doesn't cause one to be in that state. Even thinking about how it is possible to be in that state? It is nearly impossible to identify what actually causes one to enter that state. And how one can do it, especially if not in that state of being. From that state of being, everything happens present moment in eternal bliss. There is no "getting there." yet to realise one self to be there, means one is in that state, that is capable of realising it also. And what it also truely all is. Everything. That is known so clearly and profoundly and blissfully. Only evermore answers upon answers upon answers and endless streams of inspiration never endingly... The inspirations are so profound that even one tiny mist drop particle of it would make a grown man cry in unspeakable joy. And there was infinite of it, not in a dream, but clear waking breathing living fully embodied KNOWING evermore and endlessly. Limitless.

And then here I am only questions upon questions. Everlasting questions. I guess I coulden't accept that it is a relative state of being and temporary experience. And this issue always gets me out of that state of being. The inability to "stay" there in the knowing where all my knowing is. It is like I know the soul source essence of everything that exists, which causes me to appreciate the further specific extensions of all of that tenfold as it expresses through physical timespace reality in its further more expanding specific expressions of its already endless magnificence and brilliance, as much as I already appreciate the source and my clear realised full blown awareness of all of it.

And I wonder, why cant I have acces to this greater knowing of my source all of the time? It is right here and now, always, my source of being, source of all being and becoming. Why am I experiencing a lack of awareness of it? Right now too, but why ever? Why ever. If it is so magnificent and brilliant. And so worthy to abide in that state of knowing. Why does it have to be temporary for me? And I don't even want to know the answer, because the answer can only come or be realised or truely consciously received, when I am truely there IN the Knowing, where all the knowing is. Where all my knowing is. Where ALL knowing is. And I wanna ask how to get there, but I cannot know it, without first already BEING there.

And this being is where all the seperation began for me. I realised that from my state of being, I had acces to all beings. Yet I also had acces to the inability to know it all forever. And this split, basically ended me. Tore me appart. It is the greatest contrast and duality and contradiction that I have experienced and the most painful one aswell. It is eternally unacceptable. That the true being is just a relative state. That we always got acces to it, but we also always got acces to the inability to acces it.

I haven't really been able to return to "it" ever since. And the path towards it was one of tremendous difficulty, trial, hardship, and endless sacrifice. Now I live without "it" even tho "it" is the only thing that can ever be sufficient. Everything pales in comparison to "it". Years upon years of forgetting everything, one thing I cannot forget, that everything means nothing without "it". No matter how much I try to make it mean something or not try.

In physical terms, it feels like someone took "it" away from me, or I accidentally and unknowingly and unintentionally, somehow someway blocked it from my being, and took myself out of that state. Even tho there is no memory of how I got there or how it went. All I know is that it is always there and always will be. But I got no acces to it. For a long time. Where one second without "it", is the worst nightmare. And I have been experiencing being without "it" for so many years, that I do not even count the years anymore. I simply cannot remember anymore when I lost acces to "it".

And all that time, I have been waiting for "it", hoping for "it", looking for "it". And I still don't know what "it" is, for without "it" I cannot know anything. "It" is the very containment and Source of all my knowing. And I cannot even find 1 single that I know! Not even a spoon! A chair... An idea. Nothing. I cannot find one tiny little grain of "it" anywhere in all of my beingness. And I keep looking in every aspect of my beingness, from all points of view and dimensions of experience. I cannot find "it", for without "it" I cannot even know what "it" is.