Hi all :)

So, today I decided to ask all of you for help because it seems I can’t solve it and I hope some will help me to get clarity on this.
Warning that this could get long.

First, I’ll tell a little backup story:
Met this guy on Tinder in january 2018. The spark was soon there. We had so much to talk about(really in depth conversations) and decided to meet in person 10 days later. The date was amazing. We got comfortable with each other and talked all night. It was really a home vibe feeling.
Our first kiss was 4 dates later, attraction was mutual and it was nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. His face features and everything felt like they were made only for me(dream man) and his energy that he gave during kiss, hug or sex was really lovely. I always felt like he is charging me with “divine love”
So we soon began to date seriously.
We were going on trips together, adventures with his friends( i really connected with his friends which never happened before with my other exes), parties, he even took me to his motherland for 14 days to his family. We were eating out, talking all day all night, learning with each other about spirituality- even healing ourselves with crystals( i put my crystals on his body and cleared his energy- lol amazing :3) . He was helping me through my dark times and giving me advice....just so you get a touch on our relationship.
Anyway.
This relationship fell apart 6 months after because(like he said) there is no connection and he is not ready for relationship. We stayed friends for a little longer, went on a vacation together(alone) and then he suddenly ghosted me 1 week after we came from vacation.
I should get clear on something else- I was really struggling(still am a little bit i’m healing) with my anxious avoidant style in relationship, codependency. Really a whole lot of trauma which showed itself in no self worth, no confidence etc. He kinda brought that out from me to heal probably.
Relationship with him was good for me but bad for him probably. He as a person was very caring,affectionate, intimate, communicative...all good. But looking from my perspective I was probably draining him with my extreme mood instability, control, manipulation, insecurity- acting childish

So. Still to this day I’m struggling to let go of him. I tried journaling, astro letters. dating other guy but still sthinking about him and lastly; I really took a deep look within myself, healed a lot of aspects in my trauma body, was not looking for a rebound- I just really went on this journey to become a whole person who doesn’t depend on anybody for love
I still think of him every day, I dream of him, I write of him, I visualize(not on purpose) how I have a family with him.
I guess what I want to say is that I still love him deep in my heart and I can’t detache. Maybe this has to do something with me proving to mysef that I am worthy of his love because he left abruptly?

Can anybody tell me why I can’t let him go? It bothers me a lot because I constantly find myself entertaining with thought “will he come back”, “does he still think about me”, “is he actually the one”. And then again having thoughts like” I should forget about him”, “He doesn’t care anymore”, “move on”, “he is not the one”.

I thank anyone deeply from my heart who is willing to help me because I really want to end this once and for all.

Thank you, I love you all

Be safe!