I've thought some more about the varied lenght you described between intimacy/making love. I've read somewhere and can't remember where that it was supposebly some studie of heterosexual couples and it had come to the conclusions that the males were ready for the whole making love sooner than the females as they saw it as a mean to get close, while the females did not feel "safe" til all the other things that were in the way (problems) were rid of and then as some grand finale they would then feel more like making love.

So perhaps me thinking there was a misunderstanding between you and your ex, as when you wanted you two to be close (mentally, physically) to built further on, she did not read it as such?