Hello again. :)
Some ideas that may help you: Your dreams. You can be more open to receiving contact through them. You have some things going on within you vibrationally with certain beliefs that are temporarily preventing a clear awareness, my friend. Desperation means "I am feeling disconnected from my Source of well-being." This means that even if your loved one is reaching out to you for contact, you are currently not in the frame of mind to "hear" them clearly, if even at all. The more relaxed you are, the clearer your connection will be, in this sense, whether you personally would receive a message or if it would come through another, such as a medium. Often, antidepressants dull the brain and the ability to really feel one's emotions in a healthy manner for expression and release; although I am not giving you any medical advice. :)
You have some beliefs and hopes about making a connection that appear to be too specific. You may want to be more open to insight from your Higher Self first, rather than insist upon a message from a loved one that has crossed over. You are actually receiving spiritual "confirmation" every day (from your Higher Self, angels and other spirits close to you), in ways that perhaps you have yet to truly acknowledge. For example, how do you know that you haven't already received messages inspired by your loved one through friends such as me or anyone else you come into contact with, whether online or offline? There is much "between the lines" that we typically do not read into. I promise you, the less "desperate" and more at ease you are, you will certainly be wonderfully surprised at what insights, confirmation and messages you receive--and this happens best when we are not actively "looking" for contact. The most powerful answers are often received after a powerful letting-go of fear and tension.