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im just tired that I always have to make it all about the other person, to have anything at all. And there is never anything for me.
I know that isn't the way it should be and I know that isn't the way others have it with each other, but that is the way it always turns out for me when I'm in a life like this one.
I don't call that relating, I call that being a doormat. And I'm getting tired enough of living that way that I can honestly say I'd rather be alone. Which is itself a huge step for me, before I chose doormat every time, without fail. I saw that as better than 'nothing'.
I don't know how to change this situation... way too much is broken and I'm very tired now of a lot of activity which in the end doesn't go anywhere so I don't really want to keep working on it anyway.
Im so empathic that the things people just do as part of their normal day sometimes seem like immense cruelties... it took a lot of effort to get to the point I'm at now, where I can sorta understand people don't mean what they are saying to me to be so painful. But even having this voice, here now, to say this about myself, ended up costing me so much that I really just wish I hadn't gone to the trouble.
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