Hi, I sent you a pm.
No need to feel embarrassed in this place  with all the kooks we have here --kidding, cuz I'm one of them! 
Reach out whenever you need to.
BUT, your post was hard to read for me ---cuz of the blocking of the type, ya know all bunched together.
It could be why no one responded cuz what you expressed
was kinda normal.
__________________
.*I'll text in Navy Blue when I'm speaking as a Mod. :)
Prepare yourself for the coming astral journey of death by daily riding in the balloon of God-perception.
Through delusion you are perceiving yourself as a bundle of flesh and bones, which at best is a nest of troubles.
Meditate unceasingly, that you may quickly behold yourself as the Infinite Essence, free from every form of misery. ~Paramahansa's Guru's Guru.
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