Green.Heals thank you for sharing your story and feelings so openly about this. I've edited my answer and just hoping you haven't read the first one. It is really reflecting to me what you write about the connection, how it works, how you've figured it out. Thank you so much for sharing that valuable information!

I suspect my first love was more open, gifted, had visions than I was. I think that and him causing our break up, even if he did not want to own that quilt, he did not want to apologize, he was angry instead, entitled, thought because he wanted me and he was stubborn enough i would go back to him on his terms. He had by then a drinking problem. I wasn't going back. He never acknowledged what had gone wrong when he caused our break up. Because he did not stand up for my, my truth what had happened, I guess in a way he died to me. I couldn't' be safe with someone like that.


Could it be you think - that you are more open than this guy you're "talking" about? And do you have quilt that it didn't work out? Because you did so and so, and because you didn't do so and so? It comes through that way to me in your writing, all that self-blame.

All and all from what I understand, and this is from a friend, not the ex itself, is that because of the things he told this friend, he felt me much more than I felt him.

I think all components did this:
-Being "the same" as in the same level of energy, understanding things
-Being more open spiritually (than I was)
-feeling quilt, self-blame why it did not work out, self-lout (I did not have that. I had not been the one to have caused it. I was more free than he was. It had been his decision, he had done it)

It is as if you and him - you both go forth and back if you want each other or not and it just makes you go back in history and present to this self-torture, you can't change the past, either can he. Where you stand today - OK so it is, to my understanding that he has "moved on". Then you have to let go too. I think the absolute hardest thing is where one is right where you are right now, in that one can't make the decision and it takes so much energy from you.

With me and my current luv, I was shifting in my mind, heart, soul, it was such a lonely emotional struggle, roller-cost, if I should stay or leave him. He felt he was loosing me but did not know what to do about it and neither did I. Then i came back. Then I was gone again (in my mind, physically I was there, we were living together). One time he said "When are you coming back to me?", that was the first time I knew - that he knew. For some reason he would say that he would never leave me so I never had to worry about that. But on the other hand what he had done - while staying - had hurt me, tremendously. He has hurt me a great deal. In his own way he had too shut me out in a way he was not aware off. He tended to do that and we disconnect.

I remember the struggle to be where you are, to go forth and back, stay, leave. Each day on my way to work tears would start to fall on their own, when I was out of the home, on my way, when no one could see me. It was like that for a very, very long time, I never told anyone. As far as anyone else was concerned we were happy. I could not make up my mind to stay or to leave.

But all in it's own time, it had a too high price to pay and I told, and the reasons why, I had to now put an end to it and I had to leave. Even though that too was hard and painful, I felt clarity and I felt lighter, and I had more energy, I had more self esteem and self respect. I loved myself more. It was almost as if I fell in love with myself, LOL. I had myself back. I had missed me! I loved my body more, how it looked, I wasn't ashamed of anything and why would I be. He was an expert of making me feel not good enough. He had high standard, and you could never reach, negativity. I found my own power. We later found back to each other again. I remember before when I made the decision I had to leave it was because I also knew that other people in my life depended on me. He was one person. There were other people too in my life that I loved and who loved me, and I had a responsibility to them too - to function the best I could. If I should try to describe the feelings it was at first as if I was "up" (normal) then I went down and then up and down...you get the picture, and then the last stage just down...and down...

You can not allow yourself to drown because of this. You have your life now. You have other people in your life that loves you.

I don't know enough about him, your guy, but I know enough people, male, female, who play a little game. They will be interested in you when they do not have you. They will not be interested in you when they have you. I know this is gonna sound cruel. I am not implying that he has no feelings for you, because if he had not had that he would not reach out to you either the way he has when he shouldn't. But he isn't sure enough in himself, his self esteem, I fear at this point, to function fully in a mature way. It also stirr things up inside him, feelings that can be difficult for him to face. I've been terribly shy before in my life and even if I liked someone I ran. It wasn't really the guy I was shy towards, I was trying to run from myself, and it was a kind of shock to me I could feel, act like that. But then over time I grew up, a little bit...

If I remember right he tried and did contact you when you had shut the door, when he was in fact busy with someone else? Sad to say it but hat there - is typical. Typical behavior of someone who's not mature enough to be in any serious relationship.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, and I know I am far from perfect myself.

I've seen the same thing in friend's when they have fallen for "bad boys" - it is the same game. I don't know why they do it, to get their own (fragile?) self-esteem up a little by flirting with an ex or someone new, and then don't act on it - fully?

It is to give as little as possible, to get the hopes up, and to still always have that door to open - that it is never really closed. As long as it isn't really closed, I would not be surprised if he did this again, and again.

This is more on them than on you.

I have girlfriends - who are playing that very same game I see him play, so this is in no way a gender issue, just want to clarify that I don't think it is.

The friends, girlfriends I know who play this game - they have always played this game, and their self esteem, it hasn't changed that much over time as I would have hoped by now. They come out and say it too (to me that is, not to the guys) that they used to have (how about still have?) low self esteem and they like to get attention and appreciation, if it is just a text message, so be it. They do not want that door closed - for good. It is as if they after a while of silence - they just have to try again - and again. It gives them temporarily a kick, the kick they get from the excitement and then the kick from this extern source (the guys) that makes them feel attractive, but mind you it is only a game. A game people play that do not have a good self esteem but try to act as if they have. They think what they are doing is just fun, is just harmless, and it always stay at the same level, that's the most important part, it never leads to anything - to a real, serious relationship. They might also think what they are doing is harmless because they can't phantom that the guys value them so high even if they want that. Contradiction.

The only one who can stop this - is the receiver (is the guys in this case if I should now look at the friends, being female). I have had low self esteem too but I have never been a player like that. I think I understood, and this was early, one of my siblings friends (a male) came home to us one night, and his face expression - he was so, so crushed. A female had just been playing with him.

As I have read through your words I know one thing - you are not a player, but I fear, in all honesty, that you are a victim of one when he's acting like this, and you're making yourself vulnerable to this sort of game that someone like you who don't play them can't understand the rules, and I mean that in the best possible ways, you're too good for this. He does not take responsibility for his own actions, and instead he projects that on to you - that he did not mean for you to react a particular way when he had been the one to contact you, him claiming he did not even remember that. He sheds from responsibility.

You're too good for this. Each time you get up on the ground it is as if he resurface and bump you on the nose, and that is his own doing that (self esteem I gather) or else he would not be acting that way.

I'm sorry if I have written anything here that is going to hurt your or upset you in any way, if so that is not my intention, I just want you to feel better, in time I hope you will.