Self study is the only way i've learnt things.

School was never for me,for me it was a place to play and be a class clown.

I don't like structure,i dislike rules,i dislike conforming period.

Horses for courses like i said.

Regards anxiety and poor focus,i have for a period suffered from those myself.

Focus wise i'll recommend again 'hemp seed oil'.

Though a quick scan of your diary yesterday,had me thinking your still suffering from remnants/fragment disassociate

states,residue,not fully healed from trauma.

Don't be alarmed,i'm not a stalker,but yeah,curiousity killed the cat and i could relate to what you wrote,though some of your

stories went over my head haha.

Anyhow,my heart goes out to those that have suffered any sort of trauma,as i've suffered some trials in my life,so that's where i

relate.

I have met a few people in the past few years,that have suffered trauma,such as abuse and cancer.

So this is where i found where my heart lies,this is where i feel my heart connects,especially after i experienced/felt like a lightning

bolt to the chest 4yrs ago and sent me in another direction.

6mnths ago,all what i'd been working towards and working on myself,it was time to change direction once and for all,so i did and

relocated.

In between and looking for purpose and felt inclined at the time that perhaps my purpose is to help others,others that have gone

through trauma.

So i started with and purchased all books by Professor Gordon Emmerson on 'Resource therapy'.

There were other books purchased as well by other authors on altered states,EMDR and ego state therapies,Cognitive Behavioral Therapy etc etc.

Some spiritual books on shadow self,such as one by Debbie.Ford~The dark side of the light chasers.

I though after some reading,lost interest.

I felt these were just concepts and interwined,meshed and a form of tricking the mind,a bandaid fix so to speak.

Through the years,i've also done alot of reading on how the mind works.

These concepts on resource therapy and shadow self are just that,just labels and don't get or heal to the root of the problem.

A book i'd recommend is by Frederick W Bailes titled 'Your mind can heal you'.

And off topic,a book i think you'd like is 'Gifts from Eykis' by Dr.Wayne Dyer.

Purpose wise,i now don't think i have one,other than to be happy,live by example,just 'be' and live in the moment.

For quite sometime i felt numb,no joy,no feeling in a way,dissociative of sorts,but i attribute to that now,that i disliked being part of the system,suburbia,city life,i felt stifled and nature and open space is where i'm at,where i'm alive.

And as i've mentioned before,addiction was part of my journey and i was always chasing a high,a feeling,something long lasting and tangible.

In essence,i was chasing a synthetic joy but was always never in reach.

Since relocating,i've found 'joy' in my new surroundings and with nature and animals.

Creativity and passion,rearranging the home,a permaculture setup and my very first vegie garden.

And you know,more freedom and space just to be me.

As i've never felt like i fitted in and i've always had some anxiety to some extent in hindsight,just being out in public,i felt unease/uncomfortable and felt all eyes upon me,self conscious too.

And still feel like a child stuck in an adult body.

I do though,truly feel at ease now,as well as free and open to express.

Anyhow,just from a quick scan of your diary yesterday,i think you need to heal and not get caught up on these new age concepts.

In the past week,i've been feeling sceptical on this new age spiritual stuff,what someone wrote this morning on another post opened my eyes again,that all we need is 'faith' and it's as simple as that.

That post has taken me back to my grass roots growing up,not deeply religious but i had a strong and deep faith,a sense in the unknown,god,jesus,etc,whatever one prefers to call the source.

Imo,this new age stuff is a distraction and one can get caught up and slightly delusional at times,as i've found myself,haha.

That said,i think we're all meant to be led up the garden path to find our own truth.

I now think though,that seekers of 'truth',generally have an underyling issue and always seeking something,just like an addiction,seeking a high,seeking 'joy',something tangible and real,something to make them happy.

But always out of reach.

Well,that's imo as of today.: p

Back onto healing though,i just think you need to come to a resolve in regards to past trauma.

And just have 'faith'.

Your an earthy type and drawn to nature,i tend to think your purpose is to just find 'joy' again and just be happy,in nature and whatever floats your boat,creativity and passion,in regards to animals,helping people and enviromental causes etc.

There is no purpose other than to be happy again and live as you should be,imho.

Anywho,i've wrote a bit,sorry if i've digressed a bit,but all the same,i thought i'd share and thought some of the above you could relate to.

Perhaps what i wrote could help someone else too.

Writing this out though,i've realized i've gotta communicate from the heart space,not the mind...I think too much.

Anyhow,regards Permaculture setup,i had a large disused water tank in my backyard,that was also blocking space,bad feng shui.

So i decided to cut the tank in half and do two permaculture setups.

First layered with old carpet that was left behind when i moved in and as i don't like wastage,i put it to good use.

The hardware shop in town,didn't have any pool liner,so i opted to using tarp.

So i layered with old carpet,then the tarp,then layered with old tarp i had.

Next was the storm water pipe and inlet.

I then put down some scoria that i sourced from the local quarry.

Next was the outlet pipe.

I then layered some weed mat over the scoria.

Next,i layered with some branches,twigs and vine cuttings etc.

Next layer was leaf matter and general compost.

Then next layer was paper and cardboard etc.

I then put down some rich soil sourced from under the compost.

In the process,i found 3 frogs,so i put them in too.

Last 2 layers were mushroom compost,then sugar cane mulch.

In the center of both of the setups,is compost hole and on the side,a worm hole,it looks like a teacup on top.

Anyhow,so far,so good....There were some tomato seedlings popping up in the lawn,so i put them in and there doing well,along with seeds i had lying around and most are going good as well.

My next plan,is to do a scattered path courtyard.

A blank canvas in progress and i plan to not only turn into something appealing on the eye,but something magical.

I like gardens and being out there,i've only realized that since relocating.

Anyhow,i be interested to see your design and what you come up with when your finished.

Enjoy your day at work?

Take care.: )

Ps.Sorry if there's any typos as i've largely done this on the fly.