I understand now what you mean, what the words mean to you with the terms you use, thank you for explaining =)
Yes that was the impression too I have had of you, and not that you are in my book, my meaning of the words. You've always come across as so kind.
Maybe you shouldn't leave everyone out, you know, maybe one day...:) but I too can say I have enjoyed being alone, being single, so it is not that I had to have somebody and would accept just about anything (demeaning behavior) just so I wouldn't be single.
Relationships can be very hard too so I understand if people avoid it or try to sort off cut it off in pieces.
I have felt I am one with myself when I am single and in harmony and see things clearly. I invest a lot, too much sometimes, when I have been in relationships, emotionally. Relationships can be heaven and hell.
Somehow I had this notion that it would be easy as I am used to having stable relationships, with my old childhood friends and just relationships that works, that don't make me feel bad and I don't make them feel bad either, we support each other through thick and thin. I can of course still get in disagreement with other people in my life but it does no harm to the relationships. I did not think I would have such a problematic love life.
If this was the plan I must have been wasted in heaven while trying to do my life plan and mixing up the cards, LOL.
I swear I have never read Cinderella to my daughter. I think I read my book Cinderella about a 100 times if not more (I can still recall the pictures in it) and dream that one day...I think some become bridezillas just because of that cinderella book, LOL. What matters is what is in the heart, if you are connected, not if you got a ring or are married on paper, sorry if I sound cynical, I'm from a split family myself and I remember I just wanted that dream to come true, to leave those troubles behind, to not go through yet another split.
I realized when the psychopath-boyfriend/Fiance asked for a split just how vulnerable I was. I had my stuff over at our place, and he refused to have me collect them even if it would just take - if I really hurried up and just took the most urgent stuff just a few minutes. He kept stalling it. I was too afraid of him, and to have his image bruised (how he wanted to appear to other people) so I did not even dare to ask a friend to borrow me some clothes in the meanwhile, as that would make him look bad and I did not want him angry. Yes, I was whipped. Big time. Just brain washed. But I knew I wanted out - I knew that more than anything, so it was not as if I tried to make him change his mind.
All that time, when I was wearing my moms' clothes, thankfully she took me in, all those mornings - I wonder if he ever gave me a moment's thought, while he opened his wardrobes and could pick and choice what he wanted to wear, knowing I had only the clothes on me that I had left with. I didn't even have a key, he had taken it from me, he had surprised me and still when I left i don't think I knew what had happened. But he had of course planned this, as always.
It is one thing I think, the way it has been with my luv, that he can have a quick temper, but one thing -and that is that he does not plan his temper, or his cruelty and the way he behaved during, after our split - he was so sad - and talking to a child that if this was going down, if mummy and he split to please don't blame mummy, that it was his fault. I never asked him to talk already or to say it was his fault, we had created this mess together. I know he did have some sort of protective instinct in him when it came to me as he would leave the car in a temper, parked, when we fought, never ask me to leave, too at home - he would be the one to leave, did not want me out wandering in the dark maybe.
He has told me how he has wished that I would have just told him the first time his parent said stupid things to put me down alone in a room or when passing by, when he had not noticed, but there were things being said right in front of him - and still he did not respond. It was difficult for me too to pretend everything was OK when I never knew when the next time would be or what would happen. I felt unsafe with his parent, and unsafe with my luv, and I didn't know what to do. He still says he take on all the blame for this but that he too believes that we are talking about a very long time that this has been going on behind his back, and that he could not figure out why I was tense when we were around that parent. One time I remember he said he was hurt that he could tell I withdrew from him, and the family. That he has felt for a long time that he was loosing me more and more. That he has felt not good enough in my eyes, but he has understood by the way he has behaved he has made me feel not good enough either. He says he took so much for granted, that he always thought we would stick no matter what. That it was a rude wake up call, but he too had a feeling we were going in that direction. Strange thing is he has not felt as if he deserved loosing me, as he does good things too, and he was angry.
I still get nervous and do not like the idea of being around one of his parents as it has behaved the way it has towards me in the past and my luv being blind, deaf to it or not realizing just what a big problem it has been. I've felt all alone in this, especially as the two of them are alike in some ways, and he of course loves that parent too.
It is hard sometimes for me to go against my fear but I have learned I simply have to.
What the psychopath-boyfriend I had in the past and these other superficial power threats use (such as money, looks-status...) as a way to bully, frighten you - that I have to fight.
I do believe this thing with the looks.... it is returning and returning....When I was dating one hot stud before I met my luv, he who was suppose to be intellectual but his vanity took charge, - I think I felt so safe after that experience because when others would compliment on my luv's good looks, and beleive me they would, it sort of gave me the impression still that they thought he was better looking than I was, and I did not mind that. I knew I did not take him for his looks, because if I was all about looks - going after that in a guy - I would have continued to date the hot stud, as long as he had wanted that is, maybe he would not have wanted either further down the road.
For years too - I was never jealous of my luv until we had one period of it and that was bad and that was when I thought of not continuing the relationship, and he was very sad then too and then trying for us to ride out the storm. I got over my jealousy then, but mostly it was not jealousy but a feeling of betrayal, that he had promised me something and then broken it, in many eyes it was not cheating, but it still left me with a similar feeling, before that I always trusted him, always.
His ex - real beauty, really. I remember first time I saw her, I thought My God what have I done to deserve this? I instantly thought she is so beautiful, she is way better looking than I am - then again I have always thought it was sort of difficult for me, being so used to my own looks, to tell how I look really. I mean I get that I might look different to other people depending on what type they fall for, have, what beauty really is. That it can be different. I know someones type is not another ones and I guess maybe as I know that I don't put so much energy into thinking one look is superior to the other.
I must have had some insecurity in me back then as I saw my luv's beautiful ex. That and him never or hardly ever saying anything good about my looks, but being always very quick to "correct me", gave me the feeling that he must be more into my personality (he has said he has never enjoyed another person's company more than mine, that he thinks I'm funny, and that he just felt he could relax completely with me before). I think at some level it must have still effected me in some way, even if I have fought hard for it not too. Maybe there is a lesson in that.
And now still - I have to be made fun of because of my weight. To other people, at work for instance, if I am to say I have to watch what I eat they don't know what I am talking about as I look normal to them, and I don't think they are just saying that. So to even be bullied, made fun of or be controlled what I eat or not by my luv or by his parent for instance - that 's just crazy! But even if I was overweight - still no body deserves to feel how they have made me feel.
I think the bad circle my luv has always been into is that he gets periods where he does his crazy diets and then he goes back to either what is normal to him, and then he panics again and gets on a crazy diet, instead of just taking it nice and slow, eat more healthy, just my thoughts on the matter.
I get nervous before if I have to see his family, well it isn't really his family, all members, but that one person who I know is the strongest in commenting my looks, always have been. Before the weight gain it was something else, and it is done so that everyone will hear it. And so one will be superior and another inferior, and somehow I always got the short end of the stick (not that I would have wanted someone else to have it either).
When I think back of the problems we have had that then escalated - it has been childish nonsense really, like not the things you would think would get to us the way it has.
I think too that I have difficulty moving forward, I know life is moving forward and we have decided to look ahead, and not back - but it is very easily triggered for me to go back - as it is only recently all of this - and I do not see that the problem is over with, I am still in a situation, even if he now has my back, where I am going very much potentially so in the future be commented in a negative way about my looks. I use to be a lot more stronger before and could fend it off but over time it got to me. That too I think is when you make someone feel inferior to you, it happens bit by bit, slowly, mixed in with all the other stuff - and I don't think it is so much about me having a vulnerability, but more so that this is something that is going to effect anyone over time.
I still don't have any good lines to say back when and if I am to be fun of that way, I know it is going to come again in the future, just know it. When I think about this I think why am I allowing myself to go through this? I need time to heal and not be around any of that poison. We are trying to heal and I just see it as an potential threat or interuption of that, and for me it is triggering and everything comes back again, I can't help it. My luv says these days that he feels very much ashamed about how he has allowed me to be treated and how he too has treated me but have asked me to please too remember the good stuff, and that he hasn't done everything bad, now has he, but that he thought, took for granted I knew how much he loved me. Somehow, and he would say this to me more than once, he had decided that he was never going to leave me, but that I was going to leave him. But to think that - and then still treat someone like that, push her down just a little, so she will not feel too good about herself - that is not love. I don't care what he says - it isn't love. Love is about making each other feel good about who we are and even better, not like that. I've been beaten down on (emotionally, not physically) over nothing, but at least there is karma in that - as it resulted in me not loving him the way I did before and withdrawing from him, but it has very much felt like bleeding love.
I have noticed that when I these days take on a different approach - which is actually to sink down to their levels - to reply back with the same type of coins, that it will shut them up. Before I always thought if I did that I was no better, but I have to say it works. I don't know if to recommend it or not as I do think it is stupid that I even have to do it that way for it to work and I'm really not about wanting to hurt nobody. It's been enough of that. But for instance, before when my luv would complain about me, something I wore, or my hair, or what it now was, - as I then did the same to him, he said it was the first time he felt very much aware of it and did not want me to look at him that way or make fun of him that way - he had to feel it. All his life nobody has told him a negative thing about his looks, maybe it was about time. Still I really do not like to do this. I noticed too I replied with the same type of coin that his other parent, that he is alike in some ways with the complaining of me, and that too made that person shut up. I have to mirror them for them to get it, then again what kind of role model will I be if to do that in front of a child? I'm in conflict about it, but one thing for sure - and that is that it works, but still it does not feel right. I'm still trying to find other ways, better ways, to do it, but it is too time I stick up for myself.
So sorry that I keep writing so much, LostSoul13.
Thank you very much for all your opinions and inputs :)
Last edited by asearcher : 14-01-2022 at 07:05 PM.