Hmm. You have a lot going on, and I am certainly not qualified to advise you what to do.
However, you could try reading Byron Katie and applying her methods. You seem to have a whole story about your life and what should or should not have happened and how you could be and how other people should be. As Byron Katie might ask, who would you be without your story?
You say "I don't wanna die like this... I was abused, and nobody's ever known who I really am or loved me." We have no say over how other people respond to us, but we can choose how we treat ourselves. Perhaps your task is to discover who you really are and genuinely love yourself just as you are.
I wish you peace.