Hi, me again. Trying to think of this from another perspective. I was once in a romantic relationship (several years of it, serious), it ended. Later we became friends, was a slow processe. Not friends as in active friends. I suggested it at the time as he was so riled up (even if he had caused our break up) and I did not want him to think I would spread any bad words about him. I told him too I did not want fighting between us. So we even shook hands on being friends. I thought automatically as his life would take him in one direction mine would another, that this friendship would end. Besides from us breaking up I still thought he was a good person. We knew few of the same people so it was easier that way too, at the time it worked for everyone. Also I did not think we would all be living in the same area forever, we were young and lots of things were happening.

Some years after our break up we met again. I was then coming out or was actually out (it was just difficult to get the last practical matter out of the way, nothing romantically still going on, I wanted to hurry up and get it over with, and that guy tried to then still show off his "power" til the bitter end) of another relationship. There had been mostly mental abuse in the relationship. I was not doing well as I got out of it but first thought it was just stress and that I would be fine, in time. But it was as if I was in this bad cycle and I simply could not sleep. Around this period I kissed my then first break up-guy. We began seeing each other again. As I was a mess, and I was, no question about that, I was then not built to be in any romantic relationship really. I had trouble seeing the one I was seeing again as he had been to me before when we had been a couple those years ago (was about 4-5 years before we had broken up). To me it was as if that guy had died (some time after our break up I had processed my heartbreak over him and then over time learned to view him as only a friend or brother, it did not happen over night).

Something bad had happened to me during the mentally abusive relationship that I did not feel I could talk about. And I def did not think I could talk about it to the guy I was now seeing.

What do I want to say with all this? I guess it is that for me to mix friendship with intimacy did not work, I need a clear intent - he was ready to give me that, but at the time I was afraid, I was scared from my previous relationship. Maybe I did not dare to feel. Maybe I couldn't. I was a mess, I blame myself 100% for this, the guy I was seeing again - he was in a stable cycle in his life, he was loving and feeling good and he was a giving nature. He absolutely did not do anything wrong, in fact him being so wonderful to me made me feel even worse, ungrateful, as if I was only using him. I knew I was in a situation within myself where I had only very little to give, the rest I had to have to try to stabilize myself.

Maybe the one you have lost your heart to - she has gone through something that make her afraid of intimacy? Something she does not dare to tell you?

Mine was not sorted out til I met my current luv who one time asked me, the most gentle way he could if something had happened to me, where as I replied angry was what he was saying was it that I wasn't good in bed? and had something happened to him maybe?!!! . He took it the right way, he could tell it was sensitive. (he can have a temper but he did not have it then). I didn't need to be worried at all though, a normal guy who's not a sadist or psychopath or what ever knows how to make love and read signals and be attentive, no words needed. I was to understand that what had happened to me before was never to happen to me again. That I was safe. We kept this to ourselves.

I guess my thoughts is that you being a friend one minute and the next it is intimacy, that it must be confusing and confusing to you as well, as well as the one you have feelings for. Then again I understand it must be confusing as maybe you are not sure yet, and that person not either. To me it is more simple (in my head that is) to just go into it with a clear intent: We date. We are romantic. We're no friends. (not that we are enemies, you know what I mean). People often wants to know where they are going, they try too to step on the brakes but I do think in our nature, when everything is new, something new happens, we want to know intent, where we going. Sometimes we can't answer that but we can answer that we have good intention and this is the goal, the vision I have for us (or something like it how now one wants to express one self). Also it can be so easily wrong in the beginning of things, we have different pace, and before we sort of come together, being comfy with the pace that is, for both parties. Just some thoughts. Hope you don't mind?