Hi CosmicWonder,

I think I feel your pain. So you were in love with her for several years, she didn't respond, you then finally had enough and got mad. I think is a survival mechanism in us, to get us from being punched down over and over. When I get mad it is as if I get myself out of that pit hole, that determination, when I finally stand up for myself, but it takes me way longer before lots of others do, it is as if I am more "generous" in self sacrificing and to be more understanding of the other before I can even feel what it is I am suppose to feel - and then I react. What you could have done all that time waiting for her is that you could have exhausted yourself. I've done that too
You could have felt so much that it made you numb, taking that much energy from you when you were dining with her, you've already before given so much of yourself.

You know, maybe I am taking this too far - I'm no psychiatrist - but could she have a "daddy-issue"? On what you wrote I get the image she does that you think she seek that out, the "bad boys".

If she has had a "bad boy" for a dad, or someone who split - this is my very own theory by the way, just speaking from my small world of experiences, - than she could be subconsciously drawn to thinking she does not deserve more and so if a guy treats her too well (I know, this is so sick, just writing about this is weird) it is not familiar with her, as she is used to the opposite, somewhere in her childhood. She may not at all be aware of this herself. It is so dumb that what we are familiar with is what draws us that direction, instead of what could be healing and good for us. It's "home".

I've had and still have friends who I myself would say have daddy issues - they all (not all my friends) had that in common, their dad either died young (and was some bad... for a figure, unreliable and so on or just wasn't there. These were all intelligent, still are, attractive women who, and I've seen this, rather then go for someone who I know - I know before hand - they will give as little as possible, they will play with them, some of those text messages - I swear had a guy wrote me that I would never respond, but they do. They accept so little, they even light up. And I'm like "What the hell is that ****? Please!", and then if someone else (that I have tried to steer them towards who is of quality, who will not play games, who is sincere - I can go on but I won't - they won't go for that guy. And I'm like but please, give him a chance! And he would never ever write something so tacky as what those others do...sigh).

I've come up with this theory that if a girl has a good dad who is allowed,and who is there for her she will chose a good guy later in life. Because that will be her familiar, her home.

Sadly, again just my small experiences, my own theory, is that unless the woman finally start to wake up and understand this out on her own, she will continue to reject the good guys, she won't see them as "exciting", once she knows - she will have found out the secret substance in these so called bad guys (even bad guys can be dressed have the image of a good guy, I know this from experience) and she will be bored out of her mind, and she will have outgrown them, she will see right through them, their tactics. Til then she will just go around in circles and repeat.

Somehow I am always better, sure about "the problems" my girlfriends has, than to see my own issues, LOL. I've had a classic daddy-issue myself, childhood trauma really, if he had died - they would have taken some consideration to my situation - but as it was "Just a divorce", there was none of that, I think. Then it was much more about bitterness and revenge and that she is so young, she will forget, there are other male figures, new stepdads. Yeah, but you know your dad, no one can replace him. He was like this mystery I needed to solve. I remembered mine but my mom thought I would forget him. I've learned one shouldn't always only listen to what children does say, one should pay attention to what they don't. It was too hurtful for me to say that I thought something was wrong with me because my dad was alive and still he would not see me.

I think some wounds too can be from a previous romantic relationship. I was more sure of myself and I would say for years I lived in a rock steady relationship with what people thought, judged was a bad boy, but he was a good boy, or most of him was a good boy, and we were close and he was never abusive to me, not in words, not in actions. He knew I was shy and he would encourage me to believe more in myself. Had it not been for him I'm not so sure at all I would take the big step to work with what I work with today, for instance. He was like my male cheerleader, LOL. But he was always good at pointing out people's good side, he would just tell them, and he saw mine, and would go this is what you're good at, this is what you should do! But I lost the battle with his drinking and I lost him, and I think that got to me in a way I couldn't explain, which then led me to have this vulnerability in me, I guess, when I so called met a "good guy", who's image was good, but his energy was not, and it was as if I was the only one that could feel that, but because I lacked self esteem in trusting how I could read people and read energy, and because he had by then changed his image to fit mine, (one of his 50 or so masks...) what he thought I would be into, I thought maybe I had made a mistake and judged him too hard...big mistake on my part.

I think unless we deal with what has happened in the past, even past romantic relationships, we end up making the same or similar mistakes as we have a vulnerability of some kind. We have to turn around and face it. I have never been good at that, I was so scared to crash and burn, I rather not feel too much, keep myself busy and move on. I really thought I had done it right.

I understand you must feel lost with all this what has happened with that woman, so much energy you put in it - and I know once one feel that way one can not stop oneself either, it has to run its course.

I think an ideal love affair is when two people are equal in their love for each other. That is when it is what it is suppose to be. But I have too learned along the way that sometimes someone gives and fights for the relationship like 80% and the other one just 20% and is blind to what is going on. There was someone who had a very long lasting marriage and when asked how come it was so long lasting - and presumably happy she said that they took turns fighting to keep it, that they were never at a place where both wanted to leave, and she thought that was the key, and then other times they were equal, in balance.

I can't help but think maybe the woman you fell for - that when she did not have you - she wanted you - and when she had you - she didn't want you, and I can't help but wonder if it is bad boys she is familiar with, and just needs to realize that to make a better choice. Sadly nothing you can do about it. Unless you start to act like a bad boy yourself, which then isn't you, so then that would be a fake you and then that wouldn't be good either...

I very much hope it all works out for you, with who ever it may be with. I understand you must feel a bit lost right now with it all but you will get to the next step and I hope you can heal from all this. To me it does not sound as if you have done anything wrong at all, the opposite and I feel you know that, so that's good, so you don't put yourself down.

Sorry I am writing so much about myself, I guess I do it to try to see it from my perspective, how I can resonate with you in yours, where I get the ideas from, but I guess it make me look really selfish, which is not my intent.

Much kindness