08-10-2021, 07:13 PM
|
|
|
 THank you FallingLeaves so much for your thoughts on this, yes you could be right. I guess I was surprised as I had never thought of it but maybe it was my subcounscious that could count and then draw parallelles even if it was never the true case. When I have an experience one is just going along with it and afterwards when one comes out of it and start to think of it -it starts to raddle your brain, and you think no, it can't be...or can it?
Back around that time (when the real child was to be born) I who had loved the idea of before having a baby -was now very fearful to have one, with him, having then more than a clue as to who he was to me (not to others, to others he was only this sharp minded, charming guy with a humor, who gave out a serious side to him as well, superiority, almost as if he stood off the rest of the people, watching them in silence. Unlike a narcissist I know off, this man was not in need of attention that way, and I don't know - maybe his false image of being (overly) secure in himself is what drew people to him. I had not been drawn to him at all, first moment I met him I disliked him (or more so his energy) but at the same time my eyes, my ears and others told me he was "perfect". I could then not make sense of why I disliked him so, and I ended up thinking he was simply not my type. I was sensitive to energies, and his energy was bad, to me, but there was nothing there for me to prove that with. I would try to blame myself for feeling that way, and for me to be too harsh. But al along it was my gut feeling telling me something is wrong.
Could be my mind created my experience so I would feel better in some way? Not feel quilt about the baby even if there never was a baby. He had such a warning persona to him, when he put that side to him, that he would even frighten me to know if I had been pregnant and taken an abortion behind his back, then I did not dare to think how he would react. Not that I would want or I don't even want to think how I would manage going through something like that, it wasn't that. It was just this horrendous feeling of thinking I might be carrying life and at the same time being fearful of it's daddy and feeling like I had to protect it from it's daddy but not knowing how. I did not even know how to protect myself.
Anyways, it could be that my brain could count, haha, and trying to make me feel better, that no matter what everything will be alright, the child still come to me? Even if I know that is not reality, and me never ever having thought in those terms before. Sometimes I just don't know if it is the subcouncscious and the imagination playing a game with me - and the result is having such an experience that I had, being shown this, in a dream state. Then crazy things happens in dreams and while in it you think it is perfectly normal and make sense, and then you wake up and you think how could I have even thought that was normal?
What I can't help but take in thought though is that this child, one parent in particular (with I am sure no fault to it's own) has a callous surface, not much mimic going on but it is not due to depression. That parent can come of as more cold or uncaring and in that too as if being superior. I know this parent can smile, and when it does even if it last for about 2 seconds there is this sudden warmth there. Too this parent's energy - it isn't bad. I know of this parent's background, I know the rational explaination why it is the way it is. But still it is sort of strange that this child should, regardless, if I now play with the thought/imagination (or the experience), be exposed to a parent who's facial expression don't move much. This parent is aware it doesn't, and we have even joked about it. My ex's facial expression it did not move much either.
Last edited by asearcher : 08-10-2021 at 09:13 PM.
|