[ForeverRestless]

My first post here was December 6, 2015. My last post was January 13, 2019. So it’s been more than a year and a half since I’ve visited this forum and five and a half years since my TF journey began.

So you can imagine my surprise, finally logging in today, seeing a comment on one of my old posts that was added three days ago. That tells me something about the energies rising up currently.

I’ve been getting the emails for a while saying the forum would shut down. I have been procrastinating, but I really do need to figure out how to save my posts because I am sure there are some small details I do not remember about my TF experience and one day I hope to write a book, so I need to save the documentation in some place. I have gone through such an awakening over the past couple of weeks, though, so I realize the memories are very much still with me, in my heart and mind.

It’s hard to know what to say to everyone here. I guess this is goodbye. So I will share a few updates and observations. A lot of the old familiar usernames are gone, which makes me wonder about everyone’s journey. In case anyone wonders about my journey, not much has changed for me. I went to the wedding in my TF’s city in spring 2019 and I did not contact him. In fact, I felt empowered by the fact that I was able to “prove” I wasn’t crazy or scary by just traveling there and having a good time, then coming back home, without a word said.

We have had zero communication since I sent him the letter in early 2018. I basically told him my side of the experience (as a rebuttal to the album he released falsely painting me as the villain of the breakup). I sent him a letter to set the record straight for my side of the experience and the huge rejection I felt. How much I loved him, how much I learned. How much pain I went through, and how I wanted to put it behind me, to close the circle. I really did have good intentions, but let’s be honest: It did not work.

Over this time since I was last on the forum, I have been buried in my career life and also a lot of health issues, so I have not really given myself many chances to think about TF. The memories find me anyway; remembering a word he used to say, remembering his laugh or a place we visited together, the memories brushing up against me at random times, just transporting me back to that era. I also have struggled with a great deal of guilt, feeling like I ruined everything by sending him that letter, but after a lot of soul searching this week, I am trying to remind myself that he ruined everything originally, the way he callously dismissed what we had, and never was able to express his true feelings to me except in his songs.

I have been assaulted with feelings for him for the past couple weeks as I feel the turbulence and passion and pain of separation in a way I have not felt in at least a year, and that is what brings me back here.

For a time I thought, maybe I am having all of these feelings because he’s waking up, he’s finally coming back. But the more I think about it, the more I realize my ego is resisting change. My ego does not want to accept that Twin has truly moved on, because then it means that this love was one-sided, that I’ll never get relief and reward for all the pain suffered. I am afraid to feel truly rejected in a final, forever way. I feel rejected over and over again when I think about what happened, but I hold out hope for a reunion later in life because my ego cannot face that final, ultimate rejection from the one person I loved the most, who understood me the most, who I connected with the most. But I am going to try to accept this. That is just wasn’t as powerful for him as it was for me.

Yes, I have the album in my iTunes library and I can always return to it. The dark imagery about dying and suffering and pain and rejection. The realization that love is the only thing that truly matters in a life. Him describing lying on the floor calling out my name. A kingdom falling because this love was lost. Being lost at sea, drowning, waiting for me forever, having hope, talking about constant tears he does not show anyone, comparing me to the Sun.

I cling to this album because it tells me he felt the exact same pain I did. And he may have indeed. briefly. When we spoke over the course of 2017, two years after the separation, he admitted that losing me was very difficult, but he tried to make a claim that he moved on from it quickly. He told me that it was the most intense period of his life and that even two years later, I still knew him better than anyone on earth. He said he always wanted to talk to me, but framed the reason as being an “intelligent contact.” I knew I deserved more than such a half-hearted commitment from him. I tried to cut it off with that letter, make a final stand to save myself, to rewrite the story.

I am here to tell you that it is not enough; the love always comes back. It’s been 2.5 years since we’ve spoken, which is even longer than our initial separation. What hope do I have except the instagram he posted last week stating that no darkness and no problem was ever bad enough to defeat sunrise or hope. I look for signs in his social media that he still dreams of me, as I dreamt of him last night, but this is not healthy. This is borderline stalker behavior and it never brings me answers, only more questions. The closest thing I can get to answers and relief is tarot, so I do recommend this to others, as it's helped me not go crazy with pain over the course of my journey. There is no overcoming this without deep, personal, internal growth. Cultivating gratitude for what you have, and living the best life you possibly can, with the assumption you’ll never see or hear from your Twin again.

I'm now almost 35, and I was 29 when I met him. I know I’ll never again experience what he and I had. I have tried to be OK with that in the years since, and in some ways I have come to accept it. What’s harder is accepting that for me it was profoundly life altering and special and for him it was just a blip on a more complex journey with possibly bigger adventures on the road ahead for him. I passed through his life like a comet, and then he was able to watch me go—however brilliant my tail shone.

Can I grow to be happy in my life knowing I’ll never again have what I had with him? I do not know, but I will try. I am finally, for the first time in years, focusing on my health. I have been so neglectful of myself for so long, which is so exemplary of my lack of self-love and self-care (always putting career first or ignoring my own needs due to anxiety), and this has to change. I do feel everything shifting very rapidly for me and I think it sort of began with me finally working on my health. It’s the first step in surely hundreds of steps to come, but I hope it will bring me to a place where I can find fulfillment and wholeness—because I finally seek it for myself—and somehow overcome this extraordinary loss. While also realizing he was not a good person for me—or at least in no way equipped to give me what I needed for a relationship—which means that I am better off without him. I guess that would be enlightenment? I guess at that point I will no longer care.

I am sad to say goodbye to everyone here and I am sorry that I did not accomplish more growth on my 5.5-year TF journey. I want to offer a heartfelt, immense thank you to everyone who listened and coached and advised me as I was struggling through the depths of separation. You helped me be able to survive through it, and in that way, you saved my life. I hope the other new souls here have better luck in that regard. If I can give any advice, it’s to not neglect the soul work. It may not bring your twin back into your life at all, but it may bring you so much fulfillment that you evolve past that need, which is just as positive an outcome.

We can do so much with these lives of ours when we aren’t sitting around wallowing about what we lost or burying out head in work, a bad relationship, some obsession, or anything we use as a means to run from our selves. Think about the things you wish your Twin would see in you, and love you for those things. Then instead of crying out to the universe for Twin to recognize your wonder, choose to love yourself for those things and those reasons. Unite with yourself, and you will find the Twin Flame union you seek. At least that’s what I hear from those with more successful journeys than mine. You feel like something's always missing, but it's not necessarily them; it's what they showed you via the mirror, and what you are tasked with rediscovering without them.

I guess the real lesson is this: Just remember to LOVE and be love. It’s the only thing that really matters. Thank you all, and God bless you on your challenging and magnificent journeys.