Originally Posted by MysticalShaman

My tf journey began in 2013...summer of June 13 I saw the most beautiful human being in my life. They literally glowed to me and I was so drawn to them. I just put in off to strong attraction. But I do remember saying to my friend at that time...that’s my future husband, he’s literally me in man form. He’s so beautiful.

But I was too shy.

So I didn’t say anything to him.

And then I kept seeing him.
I went to a festival and saw him.

So after that I talked to him then next Ike I saw him.

And thing went well - we Hooked up.

But I regret that I kept it casual. I should have stayed from the start that I was interested in him as more than just a fling... but my naïveté won and I thought I could “win” his interest in me as a romantic partner and not just a fling.

It was a deception on my part that I didn’t realize what I was doing.

Anyway, things didn’t work out and I desperately wanted them too.

I felt so much towards him for such a long time and those feelings only got stronger.

I was changing too, and experiencing a lot of spiritual experiences that changed my life.

On the outside I looked like I was crazy to all who knew me. And I lost a lot of good friends in the process.

I regret that too.

But one night I went out to see him and on that night I was sexually assaulted and raped by a man I had never met before. This is the second time I have been raped in my life.

It sent me over the edge. I fell further into the rabbit hole and cling onto to the feelings I felt for my tf as they were the only positive thing I was experiencing at that time.

I got even more crazy and sucked into this world. And obsessing.

One night, I had a major wake up call. After the rape, I had blocked it out for about 8 months. This night everything came flooding back and I was able to start to deal with it and heal.

And I stopped.

And I stepped back.

I went to college and tried to focus on me.

I stopped trying to chase him, but I would still see him from time to time and it took everything in my to try to act normal or avoid him. Like it literally felt like trying to keep too magnets apart when I was around him.

I had to put these walls up to protect myself.

A year had gone by and we barely spoke or say each other but on Halloween one night he swept me up into the biggest hug just while I was walking down the street and left. That was it.

That’s the last interaction we have had. I have seen him a couple of times since then, but he hadn’t seen me.

I have no way of contacting him. No number, he doesn’t use social media, the bar we used to go to closed and his home was redeveloped into apartments so I literally have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I wish him well...

But I moved country. And I have been trying to move on with my life. I had been doing pretty good. Hadn’t thought of this twin flame stuff in a few years. Got myself a partner who is an actual life partner and wants to build a life with me and loves me, in a way that is sustainable on earth. Yeno? It’s more real in the sense he’s my partner - and we have a great relationship. But I don get the overwhelming weird stuff I did with tf - it was just easy. We still met in a weird way. And we don’t have a shared “mission” - we are very much similar and opposites. But things are going well.

Until this week, when my tf’s name (first and second, his second name is rare ) kept coming up in my work. People I deal wth called his name. And then he starts showing up in my dreams. First dream he was taken aback in a conversation because I said “not like that” in a conversation with him referring to our relationship- I think I was saying “not casual”. Then in the other dreams he’s been chasing me?

Like I honestly thought I was over this tf stuff....

One thing that’s changed this week is I have been researching going back to school and I have thought of a really cool project I’d like to do for a masters that’s about teaching spiritual concepts and I’m going to apply. It could lead on to a phd. Which I feel like would be a huge achievement for me.

With tf I felt like we definitely had shared goals in that sense, or would have. But when we met, we were both hippie stoners. Now I don’t want anything to do with drugs. And I want a partner who can provide for me, who actually makes an effort in life for us, and wants to build a life together- which I have as well as someone I love....

I feel at peace with the idea that maybe me and TF are not together in this life. I feel like his spirit is my spiritual guide, and I know that we are connected throughout all of this.

But sometimes all these signs and dreams just hint at the unfairness of it all - if we’re supposed to be together then why couldn’t we work out? Why isn’t he in my life in some way? Why was it so painful?

And why come up and haunt me while I’m happy and moving on with my life? As like a reminder of what could be? Like *** Is that...?

If it helps, I feel like my partner has a tf in his life too, who he’s not with or never was but they remained friends.

I feel like if I had had that conversation with my tf at the start we’d have the same relationship my current partner does with his tf.

Me and my partner love each other too though. And my current partner is the one I feel safest and secure with. And I feel loved and there’s no doubts.

We can actually talk to each other when we have issues and we’re learning so much together. We are building a life of love together.

I can trust him to never hurt me.

I can’t trust my tf because on the soul level yeah - I have those deep feelings, but on the surface there’s just too much pain and insecurity.

I was happy being done with this idea for a while, these past few years.

But now I’m feeling pulled back....