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Thanks for your thoughts trying to understand. It is good to have someone listening. This is kind of a ramble did not get to the energy work. Also just discussing these topics has triggered a lot so it takes some time for me to process it all.
My usual approach to other people is that I'm already in a distant state. So when I see some either work or family interaction coming up, then my anxiety rises and I start to anticipate the event. It depends who I am dealing with how much I'll lower my guard or allow myself to feel connected. Always I leave something in reserve and if I notice a topic that makes them uncomfortable I'll pull back and avoid it and pretend to agree. This is best case.
That leaves me not invisible, but rather bound to a false image how people see me as agreeable. They are content and leave me be. I guess you could say I choose to be invisible to preserve energy and avoid conflict because I am not good at it and I don't enjoy winning where someone else looses anyhow. So have nothing to gain.
With close family members and some others I see regularly, I often see things very magnified and interpret them in a harsh way whenever there is any kind of tension. Only later I may realize how far off my perception was. But in those moments when I am triggered I go into fight/flight and if I'm not prepared then I'm likely to say something that makes things worse. Especially if I think someone is blaming me for something.
The origin of those blame triggers were adults who held me responsible for their feelings instead of protecting me. But just knowing that is not even close to an ability to manage it.
As for helplessness when triggered by your mother, my approach is to focus on healing myself physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually when I am not in their presence. Space is your friend. Where you can build up resources internally for the future so that next time can recover faster. Easier said than done though. So easy to question one's self afterward. And I always have to plan for downtime after any interactions, especially with family. Give yourself credit for trying.
Our society thinks in an extrovert fashion, and gives or takes away points based on how well you can fight for yourself. And just because you pass some age, regardless of your history how you were treated as a child, expected to either have ability to function properly and if not you are judged as a failure. That I find this perspective to be worse than useless. Rather I think if I am judging anyone I'm getting off track. And in my experience it is much more powerful to fix the internal and then somehow the outward fixes itself. This path seems weaker but it is much stronger.
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