Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gem
If I have feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate - it's actually pretty simple. The answer is no.
|
yes that is pretty simple, but for some reason I am not wired not to be able to accept the simplicity of it at face value. I just get obsessive...
I so wish I could have gotten over it and I even tried to forestall it before it even happened, but got dragged in anyway sigh.... and there have been *so* many times I just wished I could be over this already as obviously it can't go anywhere lol...
what is the point of going through something so pointless? I knew that for a very long time but it still didn't help me get past it... ughhhh....
there is always the hope, that something will be different... tomorrow... than it was... today... and even when I know enough to know with my mind that that simply isn't true, I still FEEL like it could be true and it is like a fast-moving train trying to stop itself. And whenever I tried I just got hit with so many synchronicities so fast that I just immediately wanted to go back to believing in tomorrow again...
But I can't just set stopping in motion either and then go back to autopilot like everyone seems to, I have to concentrate on holding on to the brakes hard for a very long time. It takes time, and effort, and what a mess while it is happening! And to make it worse I don't even WANT to do it, and the only reason I'm doing it at all is because I'm finally at the point where it hurts more to keep going than it does to try to stop... but it is a lot of hurt either way.
And for all this effort I've done to get past it even to the point I'm at now, all I get to hope for is having to face the whole thing yet again, at some life in the future... and there is absolutely nothing I can do to prepare myself for that or soften the blow either. More of this horror. On top of all the times and ways it has played out in the past. Just so frustrating.
BTW it makes it even worse that in just talking about it I've wished for it again. The LOA being real in my mind but it stings me rather than being pleasnat... but i'm so very tired of holding my tongue all the time and it seems better at this point just to hurt. And I guess I'm gonna have to anyway sigh...