[JustBe]

Many people will say, “ oh I’m not afraid of death”..

Which, within me wonders curiously..

Death for me has always been something I feared. Up until a number of years ago, (15 yrs) where I had a fairly significant spiritual experience, that led me to its door. What I met at this door, was an array of fears, I’d covered over death. The first one was suffering, so that took some undoing at the core. The other one was I feared the unknown of death. Religious brainwashing certainly laid its foundations in me, to fear things like going to hell, punishment and gods wrath.. lol. Of course those things had to be met in this place of my fear of death.

A few deeper truths arose through this period, an awareness of some deep inner child pacts, how these ideas arose through parental and societies modelling and many associations that reinforced what death meant in me.

As an example, I feared to feel my fears fully, I feared to open up to my feelings complete, because somewhere in my earliest years I associated certain feelings if felt fully, meant I would die. As sad as that sounds, it’s very common.

“If I feel this, remember this feeling, I will die”

Many if my earliest experiences set this up. Things happened to me, I had to face my feelings in those experiences and then I vowed, I would never put myself in those situations again - the childhood pact!

Now it does sound a little extreme, but for many children not supported through difficult emotions, there becomes a pattern learned, in whatever form the child designs those moments in their mind/body. As small children we all need help with big feelings.

Getting back to death, what opened in me, was no longer denying myself full feeling. No longer skipping from heart to head with reason and distractions away from life so as to not feel fully, what my feelings wanted me to feel and face.

As a predominate feeler type, it’s not been easy undoing these deep seated associations, but I see I’ve always held a hidden gift within the dynamics of this messy arrangement for most of my life.

The gift of feeling fully, means I no longer have to react, no longer blame life or others, no longer believe I will die if I feel something deeply painful that holds memories in me that believed I would. . To undo this stuff, my heart had to break a million times, my feeling body had to feel everything without reason.

So the gift as I see this, is in facing death, you face yourself, you face all of you where death keeps you away from looking g at yourself directly. Face to face.

The beautiful aspect of facing this death, is that through it all you believe you will die, so even as things were undoing, that ever looming fear of death hunted me down, forced me to face myself. It hovered over me like a big dark shadow.

At the end point if this three month rush, I literally felt because I’d felt everything pulled up and out of me, that this meant death. So at that pint I surrendered to its very menacing clutch and let myself lay down and let myself believe I would die. Of course at that point, I didn’t die, but I was shown death in the many ways we hold onto its clutches. Some known, some not, until you walk through and see.

If I bring death into my energy space, it’s there but doesn’t have attachments creating enormous heavy holds in me.

It’s there, it’s recognised and it’s part of life.

I see many people deeply affected by grief and death. I’ve had people project their fear of death at me in very difficult ways for me to feel. Twisted and entangled by their own hands, but very much struggling to take ownership fully.

Bearing their projections in not so pretty ways was difficult, to feel his fear of his own mortality, to feel him disparate my new found centre in ways he rejected in himself was very hard. But the inclusion of him in this way in me, allowed me to let go even deeper. (They know not what they do)

Having it all bear down upon me, was my lesson to let everything go around death in me.

The death that I created through others as myself.

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