Thank you LostSoul13. Yes.

At first I thought he rat me out to save himself, and then he could not very much love me, or else the empathy would stop you from doing something like that.

I don't know if I have this defense mechanism in me these days as he has stepped up the way he has and as long as he now has done that, that when I feel my feelings grow for him again, or remind me how they use to be for him once, that I get scared and then I want to make sure that he is not the guy to stab me in the back and hurt me the way he has before, that it is a bit out of my control. Before when I trusted him completely I never had any of this.

I know when me and my first love broke up and years later when I asked him to explain something I remembered vividly he told me he could not remember. He would never back then when it had actually happened explain himself either. It shut down all ways for communication. I felt I could not just skip that chapter and pretend it hadn't happened, the way he wanted me to. It made me feel that so easily something like that could happen again. I did not trust him no more. I know now he was in more trouble with himself than I even thought at the time. That he had his true reasons why he did not remember and said so little of it. If anything, his underlying condition indicated that it was this way, months after the break up when he showed up out of the blue and his eyes were unrecognizable to me, when I could not say if he lived in this reality or another. As if he was both confused and clear. It felt foreign to me. It wasn't him. Usually around this time, I've read about 3 months or so, we move on, we let our exes go. I was doing way better, and to then see him turn up, and like that. But perhaps because he was the way he was then he began this stalking period of his which certainly did not help me to return to him. He needed help, I think. I still felt protective of him and I know we all cared about him, and I just had this trouble reporting him even if I warned him I would if he did not stop. He had this "secret" drinking problem, this why I don't even know if he remembered calling me and back then perhaps my fault I would take the call finally to tell him not to call again or listen shortly to what it was he wanted to say, it was of practical nature or a joke, nothing that took many words, and he wasn't playing me. Anyways it was difficult to get closure when you want answers from someone (he at the time) and he ain't giving it to you. That sort of behavior shields my heart. Later on it wasn't that I needed that type of closure in order to give us another try, but I did feel as if he tried to strip me of my dignity before and then not even explaining his behavoir or apologizing, and when I said it the way it was he would only say "I would never do that to you" when I felt like telling him "Well you did (said is more accurate he did not actually do anything, it was his words)". It would at the time rile me up and I know I had to stop myself from getting upset about it, but i know I felt like asking him "What would I win out of making that up? What would I gain from that?", it had been the last thing I ever wanted to happen, and it did, and then him me giving me zero trust that my version of it was true, even if he too had been there (but did not remember). So it was hopeless.

One time I was under a meeting which lasted about an hour and afterwards before we got the protocol and recording and what not I was asked what was said under the meeting. I was so concentrated that I remembered every single word, did not forget a single one, but other people's memories slipped. I knew I had that type of concentration back then too. Even today I am being told after a fight that I mark words, I remember them. It may be from me being highly sensitive I suppose that it gets increased. To then compare stories to the other person being in the room when this has happened - and he, my husband this time, does not even react...that has been scary to me. That he has chosen to be that disconnected: I was looking to connect, I was looking at him several times while his dad had a go at me for any legitimate reason what so ever.

I want to understand things and have this promise and believe that it won't ever happen again, it should not even happen the first time. I think when we feel safe - we allow ourselves to love and then it feels safe to love. When it doesn't...it doesn't. It won't blossom. It will be held captivated and no love wants to be hold like that, take too much energy.

I think love is different here in a way for us humans to feel, and another way when we are one with ourselves, in free form, in spirit. I have already during meditative state felt a more pure form of it. Perhaps it is our egos, our fears that get to be the buzz that interfer what is always there?

What has bug me about my luvs narcissistic parent is that I believe the other parent is on the autistic spectrum as well as my husband and this could mean they miss out on some social cues while I have to say what ever gets lost there they make up for in other ways, things they do understand that I for instance have only touched the surface off.

From my own experience and from what I have read I don't believe people on the autistic spectrum can be manipulative, and if they would try one would be able to see through that. His other parent is very manipulative. It is not that they would not be able to carry it off, I am sure had their put their minds to it both my husband and his other parent could have, but they don't have the heart to do it, you know? It's not in their nature. One thing I have appreciated about my husband (and also an ex of mine) is that they would just say it: what ever it now was. I never felt I was in some game with them. I liked that kind of honesty. We did not have to agree always, but it was at least this platform to stand on, it felt safe to me, even the same.

My husband has said lately about what he thought went wrong was that his narc-parent used our different opinions that he was foolish enough to admit to but too late discovering his parent would use it as a gun to my head sort of thing, and that he realized too late he had played the narc-parent right into it's hands. But again he would stress that it wasn't me who said, did anything wrong, and that yes he now understod what I meant about the "we"-thing instead of him doing his "I"-thing, and especially him now knowing and believing he comes from a narc-family he knows now that he has to think in "we-terms" more than perhaps others or else the cracks are gonna come and show, so on that he is on the same page. He says he won't repeat this old mistake of his. Either way he thought the one who turned it all into a bad thing was his narc-parent. He has said when I get into that mode that he can't see that I am hurt or sad or afraid (but he did not even look to see that!) and that he thought I had handled it well, it was on him he said and his dumb parent at the time who didn't.