tantrum is a word I was looking for
yesterday
you called it a 'having a fit'.
I like them
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there are worse things
than
feeling horrible
all the time
people think celebs
have it good
really
to me
it is just another prison
with all that money
and all that fame
you get pretty stuff
and maybe a very nice life
in the way people consider things nice
but
your freedom of movement
is hampered
by all the people
who want a piece of you
and by the time you have to spend
keeping up the appearances
you've decided befit your station
and you may never even realize it,
since after all
you seem to be getting what you want
personally
I'm like
happy
just to be noone
and nowhere
and much happier
with the outer appearance
of depression
and negativity
than I ever would be
if people
decided I had something worthwhile
after all
and actually took me seriously...
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he realized
long ago
asking to be 'rescued'
just wasn't going to do it
for him
not only
would it be
a kinda
hollow victory
it would be imposing
what he wants
on someone else...
besides
the attitude of the blue girl
has always been a bit much too
and does he really want to court that?
but both are equally bad at this
he guesses
so maybe they are made for each other
lol
anyway
he is ok
with things as they are
after all
and the blue girl
seems to be having fun
swimming around so...
things are best left undone.
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he believes in
actions
over words
but also is realistic enough to know
that any choice of words
is itself an action.
in the so called
real world
he knows enough
about what people consider valuable
to be able to
consistently get results
even though deep at heart
he is a piscean day-dreamer
the rules in spirituality
seem much different though
there seems to be a haze
between one and the results one wants
consisting of a mess of conflicting ideas
about which 'attitude'
is the best attitude to use
to get what one wants
and how to go about
creating that attitude
within oneself.
but that seems somewhat inaccurate, at the very best...
so he has always sensed
almost innately
that
to go the route
he's wanted to go
won't work
if he does as he is told others do.
and he's realized along the way
that life is a lot more complex
than if one could choose some
'one true attitude'
and run with it
forever
so he is forever having
to somehow find rules that actually work
at least in the context of his own life
and to some extent
feels like he has succeeded...
but...
at the same time...
the single most important rule he found
is
that if you seek to find rules you can always live by
to get to the goals you seek
your life will eventually turn into chains
and you will eventually become unhappy
including that one...
which is a good rule
as it gives him
just the excuse he needs
to just goof around...
So anyway
he goes down this road
of learning absolutely bunches of stuff
that has meaning only to him
seems to make sense only to him
and feels like
due to the fact
he didn't follow the
(to him) arbitrary
man-made rules
when trying to get it
if he shares
he is either going to be viewed as a pariah
and outed
or he is going to be taken seriously
and then stuck in the boat
with the celebs,
in his experience there is no middle ground
he is always in one of those two boats and
can't have a nicer existance than that
any more he prefers paraiah,
even though it causes a certain amount of angst.
because at least if people decide to agree
what one has
is somehow not valueable
they won't be moved
to come and try to steal it.
-------------------------------------------------
but anyway
he has so far glimpsed beauty
that can't be beat
by mansions
perfumes
and fine clothes
and he feels like
why be giving up
a pearl of great value
just to have
what others
say one
should want to have?
