I don't mean to imply that there is only light either. Only that there is both and we have some choice in which we devote our attention to. That which we experience becomes a part of us, and if we experience too much darkness, too early in life, then often we become sensitized to always be looking for that darkness, if only to avoid being taken in by it again. Such is the instinct to avoid danger and survive. Yet there is more to the life experience than survival, there is beauty and meaning there alongside the darkness, that which helps to give one a will to survive. One can often see it right through the darkness and even within that darkness itself.

I have gone through many experiences in life, even a few that stand out beneath all of the rest as grindingly unfair and cruel, and I have realized it is not worth trying to get another to understand what it was like to live them. Even if they could put themselves in my shoes and go through it all exactly as I did, they could not understand what I experienced. They are not me. They are just another wearing my shoes. And yet there is a lesson there for anyone to learn. That which we experience is not composed only of what is there or the events, but what we bring into the experience is a major factor in what we find there as well as what we take away. All experiences in life, even the darkest of the dark, still show us an image of what we are inside, something useful to see, I think.

I have been reaching for the light all my life, and have been disappointed time and again, until I no longer think that reaching for the light is the point, though I suppose we are driven to do so to some extent. These days I spend more time trying to notice and appreciate the light that reaches me on its own. I have found that there is a good deal more light there then I first thought. That I had failed to notice it as I was obsessed with the light I was reaching for. The darkness is still there, but so is the light. I try to appreciate the light, and on my better days, try to add some more of my own light to it. What darkness I cannot change, which is the vast majority of it, I remember that in my past, it has been darkness that has generally made me look for and sometimes find that light. If we stop looking and just give up, then eventually the darkness envelopes us and we descend down into our own pit of disrepair and hell.

I have faced mostly devils or demons in my life and can think of very few angels, yet it is still my life to live and I have not yet let them drag me down into that pit from where they always seem to come from themselves. Sometimes I get a little bitter about that. You must have at least once run across a speaker who tries to get everyone to pause for 2, 5, or 10 minutes to think about someone who was a real mentor to them in life, someone who lifted them up and helped to make them who they are. Though I do try, I generally come up empty handed with that exercise, at least as far as in the person flesh and blood mentors go anyway. Yet I can think of so many who have tried to drag me down over the course of my life. Perhaps that was to be my challenge, to stay out of the pit on my own, IDK, and it isn’t over yet so who knows how it ends.

There is both good and evil in the world. I expect it is that way by design and is necessary for the experience I am having, at least it seems so for me. Though I seem to notice more of the evil then the good, I do see the good is there, and whenever (well often anyway) I feel like I am about to give in and be consumed by the evil, I look for the good to remind me that I don't have to become that evil, there are still choices that I have the power to make. One can choose to try to be a slayer of the light or a slayer of the darkness.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ― Fred Rogers

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