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Thanks, your response is helpful. That's a good question. "Am I not ready to let go?" I don't think so much it's that I'm not ready to let go... it's that I feel defeated because everything I've learned in 32 years of life has taught me that what I had with TF is a once-in-a-lifetime thing (if that), and I am struggling to embrace the concept that I'll never feel that way again. I already think my feelings are "wrong." I feel like I'm betraying my partner every time I come on the forum and write about this, but if I don't get the words out sometimes, as a catharsis, they build up inside me and create resentment. What I feel is also "wrong" because the relationship with TF wasn't destined to work out. And again they are "wrong" because he has a partner he's committed to. If he even momentarily entertained the idea of coming to meet me--even for an innocent coffee--when I was traveling near to him recently, that was in some ways a betrayal of his girlfriend, and I'll bet TF feels the same sort of guilt I do (knowing him). Yes, I want to rid myself of all this chaos, if for no other reason than to fully accept and embrace my life with my boyfriend, but I'm afraid I can't shake the feeling that there's something "more." If I say vows to him at an altar one day, I can never say, "this is all I ever wanted," or "you are the love of my life." I wish I could say that, but the love of my life is no longer in my life and I'm making do with what I have, trying my best to be in love, but it feels like faking in contrast to what I felt in the past. Sometimes I wish I could just erase the part of my brain that contains the TF memories... at least then I'd have peace. Then I would be blissfully ignorant.
I do want to move on from TF, the person; I've been so angry at him for so long, what we had is poisoned anyway. I cannot fathom a future in which we could reestablish a real relationship after all that's transpired. But you are right that I am not ready to let go of the idea that my life will contain powerful, all-consuming, divine love. Having that and then not having it is enough to make you feel like you've died. And my only experience of feeling that was through him, so it's difficult to disengage the two ideas. Yes, I know the task is to teach myself divine love for myself, but with that, I don't even know where to start right now.
Sorry for the long stream-of-consciousness response; it's how I usually express myself.
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I've been to two therapists in two states. They were receptive, supportive, though utterly baffled at times. Ultimately both felt that something of the sort had to happen for a reason. I'm a better human being for it, so they might be right. I never came close to expressing myself the way you did here, though I wish I had. This was the consequence of still standing in it at the time, another example of timing being irrevocably off. You've described the reality I exist in. Thank you. It's reaffirming, as you spoke of a side of (fill-in-the-blank-as-you-like) that never seems to get much press, but certainly has to happen. Here, the therapists were helpful, as they were not at all dogmatic, and they insisted that I do the heavy lifting, that no matter how bad I felt it was okay to feel bad. I believe ultimately it is a blessing, the sort that you never know when or where it will manifest itself, good or ill. I'll never have the words to describe how they made me feel. You felt that way, too? I doubt you need to learn divine love. It sounds like it's already within you.