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Originally Posted by starstar
The purpose of a therapist is not to point out and judge “oh, it’s a one-sided obsession”, in fact if any therapist uttered these words, I would highly doubt their professional skills. And you would hardly be the first person they see with tons of messages/letters/love confessions from the former lover (those messages typically dating way back, otherwise person wouldn’t be in the therapist’s chair in the first place). They see intense feelings all the time (again, were those feelings not intense, people would gradually get over them). And your purpose is not to go in and defend your connection or prove that it’s not one-sided, but to manage living your life and actually enjoy it the way it is. You seem to be annoyed that the therapist might assign the “wrong” term to your feelings, and that in fact will invalidate your experience and extinguish the last glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe deep inside you are not ready to let go? Shouldn’t the point of going to a therapist be to actually feel better, live your life joyfully again?
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Thanks, your response is helpful. That's a good question. "Am I not ready to let go?" I don't think so much it's that I'm not ready to let go... it's that I feel defeated because everything I've learned in 32 years of life has taught me that what I had with TF is a once-in-a-lifetime thing (if that), and I am struggling to embrace the concept that I'll never feel that way again. I already think my feelings are "wrong." I feel like I'm betraying my partner every time I come on the forum and write about this, but if I don't get the words out sometimes, as a catharsis, they build up inside me and create resentment. What I feel is also "wrong" because the relationship with TF wasn't destined to work out. And again they are "wrong" because he has a partner he's committed to. If he even momentarily entertained the idea of coming to meet me--even for an innocent coffee--when I was traveling near to him recently, that was in some ways a betrayal of his girlfriend, and I'll bet TF feels the same sort of guilt I do (knowing him). Yes, I want to rid myself of all this chaos, if for no other reason than to fully accept and embrace my life with my boyfriend, but I'm afraid I can't shake the feeling that there's something "more." If I say vows to him at an altar one day, I can never say, "this is all I ever wanted," or "you are the love of my life." I wish I could say that, but the love of my life is no longer in my life and I'm making do with what I have, trying my best to be in love, but it feels like faking in contrast to what I felt in the past. Sometimes I wish I could just erase the part of my brain that contains the TF memories... at least then I'd have peace. Then I would be blissfully ignorant.
I do want to move on from TF, the person; I've been so angry at him for so long, what we had is poisoned anyway. I cannot fathom a future in which we could reestablish a real relationship after all that's transpired. But you are right that I am not ready to let go of the idea that my life will contain powerful, all-consuming, divine love. Having that and then not having it is enough to make you feel like you've died. And my only experience of feeling that was through him, so it's difficult to disengage the two ideas. Yes, I know the task is to teach myself divine love for myself, but with that, I don't even know where to start right now.
Sorry for the long stream-of-consciousness response; it's how I usually express myself.