This is going to be a very
personal tale.
I am a Bhakti Yogi, so I see 'God' as being totally
separate from who/what I am, on any level that I could ever conceive of myself to be...because wherever there is conception or perception, the ego isn't too far behind.
This flies totally in the face of the beliefs and opinions of about 99% of people out there...but wherever there is a 'rule' there is always the 'exception to it' and I have spent my whole life being the sole exception to every rule there is.
At first, this really used to bother me that my 'beliefs' were totally different to everybody else's...but I guess this is what makes me totally unique and so, I have learned to accept it.
It was something Sadguru said the other day about Indian calendar art which drove this home to me.
I worship 'God' in the form of Lord Shiva...a totally separate being on every level
from myself (and I do not
care what others have to say about that). However, most of the images of Lord Shiva that I see look absolutely nothing
like the visions I have personally seen...how He has appeared to me...nothing like it
whatsoever!
First, he is
not 'blue', he has pale skin, almost Caucasian or European. Secondly, he doesn't have brown eyes...his eyes are blue/green. Thirdly, he doesn't have chubby cheeks! he has a thin face and high cheekbones. Sadguru is correct when he said that in Indian Art, the template for the face of God is always the
same!...put a flute in his hands, he becomes Krishna...put a bow and arrow in his hands, he becomes Rama...put a moon in his hair and a snake around his neck, he becomes Shiva...etc.
Then, a few years ago, I saw a picture an artist drew of Lord Shiva and I went...That's IT!....that is HIM! EXACTLY!!
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/1b/32/4b/1...ea90263073.jpg
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I put my whole focus outside myself and go totally without instead of totally within when it comes to God and MOST people do it the other way around...I have this weird 'relationship' with Source, which is more like a relationship between lover and beloved than anything that is like "I AM the lover/beloved" because that just doesn't work for me....it may work for 'everybody
else'...but I am not 'everybody
else'.
Also, many do not understand this and they can't...just like how I can't understand where they are coming from and what they mean
either.
All I know is that I have been spending too much time intellectualising and rationalising the nature of experience...the nature of consciousness...of love itself and it's not a question of going within my heart, but surrendering it to the God which is
outside of it and to
trust that he has 'got my back' and will take me wherever I need to go.