[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by sungiant1212

Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. Im looking for opinions, any new ideas would be much appreciated.

In the past couple years since the ending of the relationship with my former lover of 4 years that I have a child with, I have made great strides in consciousness and life in general, yet whenever I am faced with things about my ex that bring up the past I slide back alot.

When I first found out she had another boyfriend it hit me hard, The thought that my daughter was to have a new father figure besides me, and the fact that I was, and still am alone led to my worries once again running my life until I gradually made excuses such as "it wont last" to make myself feel better. eventually they moved in together, I grew used to it, I made more excuses about how they cannot possibly be happy together since I harbored resentment for the fact that she cheated on me and treated me very poorly. The trauma of our relationship haunted me more than physical abuse I dealt with as a child.

Today my ex's boyfriend friend requested me on facebook. I thought i was fine with everything now, ive even made a conscious effort to be friendly and empathetic to her and her new bf, yet seeing pictures of them happy, with my daughter and as a family hit me hard again.

Ive tried looking at this from other angles as this is what i do with other problems I have, yet it is hard to get beyond my emotions when it comes to my daughter and this girl. My daughter means everything to me, and my ex represents the worst parts of my life, I still deal with the trauma of our past relationship and it will be 3 years this winter !

I want to do anything possible to never have this happen again, to resolve this issue, yet she will never reconcile, since she believes she has done no wrong (possibly narcissism) yet I still harbor some resentment and this negativity brings me down every time. I wish I could move away (ive thought about it) yet I could not leave my daughter. I always feel trapped here at a dead end.

I don't know how to move past this.

SunG, I'm so sorry for your troubles. Your #1 priorities are to take care of you, nurture yourself so you can process and release your loss and your grief, and to be there for your child.

If it were me, I would so strongly NOT get into a partner relationship with anyone unless we shared a mutual authentic love for one another as people and as friends first and foremost. And yes, I do practise what I say and believe it "balls-to-bones" as they say.

Otherwise you are not just asking, you are begging and screaming and pleading to get burnt and jacked all round. Because that is the usual outcome when you're not loved authentically. Getting burnt can and does happen even when you are loved authentically Granted, authentic love is still rare in partnership, but even so, even this doesn't guarantee a happy ending.

So why skew the odds astronomically against yourself by going with someone who doesn't love you authentically (i.e., who doesn't actively seek and support your highest good, equally to their own)...why be with someone who isn't ever going to care deeply about you except as it aligns with their self-interest? That's a pretty dodgy and unstable foundation for anything in life.

What Lorelyen and others said...friends and meaningful interests are good!!! IMO they are all you need right now, aside from fam and your daughter. And beloved fam & friends are all you ever need, TBH. IF later you come to know someone whom you love as a person and as a friend -- and this is important: if they too love you first & foremost as a person and as a friend -- THEN you can truly have a solid and sustainably loving life partnership. Because you REALLY DO want each other's level best, and for no other reason BUT their best.

Not for sex or bills or whatever other 1-sided, conditional need, reason, or outright demand placed on them or on you.

That's the only way to come to authentic love in partnership...when you come to it first just as people and as friends. Not through "hot shagging", not through demands for sex to "make sure you're compatible" (I.e., road-testing her), and not through whatever she puts out or does to please you as otherwise you'd leave. LOL.

Authentic love only comes about one way, no matter the billions of ppl on earth. It only comes about the old-fashioned way, by taking the time to get to know & love one another as people first, without any of the physical stuff that permanently sidetracks the vast majority of gents if they go there 1st. If you remain beloved friends, then whether they are male or female, it can last a lifetime and can be among the best of all possible things. If you are mutually inclined to be life partners with a beloved friend who is female, then the authentic love you share can and will last a lifetime. Beyond, even, some say.

(Translation: getting sidetracked with sex basically guarantees men will be burnt and jacked if they have a heart and a soul, LOL...because they will never have got to a place where there is a solid, deep, and well-established authentic love between the two as people and as friends. Meaning, the woman likewise doesn't love you authentically, as she doesn't know you and love you for who you are, either. Think about it. Plus, if she's over 25 or so and she's still having sex with you from the get-go, she's likely not even fooling herself. She may be needy or desperate, or she may be a predator who uses sex as her means of control..but it's not love as you've neither one had time to grow a real love).

Meantime, getting involved in some meaningful social activities (like meetings or discussions, etc if you are more introverted) and service-related pursuits -- and spending time with friends and fam....these are all you or anyone needs for a meaningful life filled with connection and authentic love for you as a person. Anything else is gravy, additional blessings which are always welcomed.

Peace & blessings and much love & light to you...
7L