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Originally Posted by IsleWalker
A few weeks or months of not eating!@ That can definitely cause lots of problems --esophageal or otherwise!
OK. I take that your dislike of eating came from some feeling of being trapped at the table. [If I thought it would help in the discussion at all, I'd wonder if this was a past-life thing, because almost everyone begins eating in a "trapped" position. The baby is "trapped" when breast feeding. Kids are strapped into high chairs, sat in them next to tables, tucked into restaurant high chairs. It is somewhat common.]
And so just eating in the living room allowed you to relax about eating? So, now, at age 20--you can eat where/when you like, right?
Were there lots of rules around eating in your house? I'm sorry, but I'm still looking for a reason for the extreme resistance. To me it's like saying, I don't like to breathe. It's kind of inconceivable to me. And when you talk about not being able to eat for long periods of time as if it is nothing, I question more.
To me (and I may be all wet here), there is something that doesn't make sense in this story. It seems as if you are focusing on things that happened much later than this whole pattern began--like summertime or winter or stress. But this went a long time without being addressed--or being denied, which is more what it feels like to me.
I know you're here to pursue the problem, but it still feels like you are dismissing large parts of this as "normal". This is as basic to survival as you can get (save breathing), so it is a big deal.
Am I the only one who sees this story this way? Sorry not to be more helpful, Zack (not your real name)!
Lora
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Surprisingly, I don't actually go weeks or months without eating when I have trouble swallowing. I have to drink water with every bite, which takes a long while when it has to be "timed" perfectly to avoid choking, and eating this way somehow makes me starving all the time. I figure eating is eating, but nope, I will feel as if I haven't eaten a crumb if I constantly chase food down with a drink or take longer to eat a meal. (maybe it's my emotional state or the way my body feels when I'm like this, the way I eat likely has nothing to do with it but that's the only mild proof I have) This results in me having to eat very often, and thus focus even
more attention on something I don't like to think about. The constant hunger has been on and off for a few weeks, but it was raging from November until June with chunks of only a couple days where it stopped. I had two acupuncture appointments recently and have been taking a special tea, which has helped, so eating lately hasn't been a big deal except for the past few days' nausea.
I wouldn't be opposed to it being a past life issue, I read an interesting article about birthmarks and reincarnation last night and see how there could be truth in that. The thought of breastfeeding doesn't make me feel bad, but being in a high chair gives me a feeling of wanting to squirm and get out, despite not being in one now. If infants didn't lack so much awareness, I'd wonder why they don't freak out over being locked in those things.
Yeah, I can eat wherever I want to now. I meant to say I've been eating downstairs, this room takes up almost the full floor so I do a lot of things here. The living room upstairs used to be the safe room to eat, but I eventually became uncomfortable eating in there because my Mom was close by. It's not a permanent thing where I can't eat around her, but I like to be alone when these issues flare up.
Rules about eating as in what I could or couldn't eat? If so, not really. I was mostly given healthy food but there was a lot of what kids consider good laying around as well. Apparently, some kids who have eating problems were told by their parents that they were fat, but that wasn't the case for me. I do remember my Dad getting mad and yelling at my brother and I that we'd "be in the f*cking hospital with a feeding tube" if we didn't start eating. That must have been one of the building blocks for this, seeing as I was 4 or 5. It was hyperbole anyways, I did eat but just wanted to be left alone so I wasn't so anxious or able to eat at another time when I felt like it. If anybody here has seen the movie "A Christmas Story", there's a scene where the uptight Father is getting furious because his young son doesn't want to eat until he shows his Mom "how the piggies eat" by rubbing his face in dinner and snorting. Aside from the second half of the sentence, that's pretty much what it was like for me.
I am focusing on events that happened much later than the possible development of the problem, although I was asked about why Summer 2008 was so bad and it is significant due to the outbreak of constant anxiety. Things that have happened in the past decade are much clearer than from when I was 5, due in part to kind of making an identity based on how sick I am. My brother and I have spent so much time freaking out, being sick, and worrying that we eventually talked about it to death and reaffirmed many of our thoughts. (even if they're incorrect) I think the problem wasn't addressed for a long time because I didn't know what it was. For years, it was as basic as "I'm scared for dinner because I have to eat at the table and I'm already nervous, so it could get worse and I could throw up", and I'd either 'survive', or become sick and just sit there waiting to be dismissed. Very rarely, I'd have a panic attack or come close to throwing up, but that was only a couple times a year maximum. Around 2008, I was able to finally label it as anxiety/panic instead of an empty statement of "I'm going to vomit", even when it didn't always come down to just throwing up, I couldn't describe it past that.
It is a big deal to have dealt with this for so long, but that's the thing. I've spent parts of so many years feeling like **** over many things, mostly eating, so the response is usually "great, this again" and hoping it goes away. It's kind of a normal thing for me. Nobody I know except my brother has experienced this, and I'm really getting sick of worrying about pointless sh*t that people aren't supposed to worry about...it's ridiculous!
You're right in that this goes a lot deeper than the more recent periods of time that I'm describing, but it's difficult to establish what the very first instance was that caused this to continue for so long.