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-   -   How do I stop thinking too much of him, his perspective? (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=142708)

asearcher 23-01-2022 07:57 AM

How do I stop thinking too much of him, his perspective?
God, this is the third time I've edited this text. I'm sorry about that. I tend to be feeling more sorry for my luv and his situation than I do my own when it comes down to a family-issue with his first family. Do anyone know how to ground oneself from doing that? I was too sacrificing in the past, and I know this, yet I see myself falling into the same old steps of yesterday. I tend to in the past be overly emphatic and then go along and do something that my luv wants.

lostsoul13 23-01-2022 02:29 PM

To stay grounded- needs practice; asserting your self in little ways- I presume these situations are in the mundane ( I could list a couple of family issues but having a family my self- the most I come up with is things like the years it takes for the children to grow up? I worry that outter circumstances will prevail their childhood—- And will we be separated in society by foster care and stuff? I worry about being a care giver to all of the children and there’s about 20 of them!!? So I’m presuming on your past posts about narcissism and other traits? Unless you can elaborate further- I’d say asserting your self with situations around him and your meetings- having coffee and prelonging contact and speaking about your self? And asserting with the child? Trying small things at first- moving the boundaries—- having zero tolerance with getting involved in his family life- setting that rule for the self… and trying not to break it—- by adding little things and sticking to them you are paving the way to not being interested in his business’ in ways when he’s talking to you about it - you won’t get involved emotionally- and making your self tired and bogged down…

As far as going on with what he wants- setting boundaries again and having some appointments available after your meetings with him to take your mind of stuff and allow you to keep busy from the grip??

asearcher 23-01-2022 08:02 PM

Hi Lostsoul13, thank you for your sympathy and advice :)

When it comes to myself, defending myself - I don't do a good job. First of all I don't get angry, I don't know why, I get sad, insecure, hurt. It can be afterwards when I get angry, when it's no use, too late.

yes, it is the troubles with the narcissist for a parent-in-law...

I know a part of my luv, that has told me to not let anything the narcissist says or does get to me, that he will take care of this - but even as he now gets angry - I think, with the advice given to me here on this forum- it is up to me now, that I have to find another way to respond to get it to back off.

It is as if the narcissist can not help but push and push...and a situation such as this. It wants drama and drama it shall have then. It's all so dumb. Can't believe I'm in this situation, and because of what? Nothing. Really - nothing. The narcissist has nothing on me to dislike me like that.

And then I worry what that will do to my luv, even if he has said - and he is totally with it, he has said you give everything you got, I won't stand in your way, I've got your back... but then I think about if, how he is going to maybe loose all contact with the other parent, and maybe other family members, who knows, because of me, even if I know it's not because of me, it is a reaction that is more than justified given how I've been treated all this time.

I just don't want him to suffer, I know he loves his family too. this is just unfair on him. Will we stand there - and I still have my family - and he will be without? What that will do to him? (God I feel so sorry for him!)

I believe this family is as isolated as it is because of the superior-attitude, it's sad really, it shouldn't be like that.

But I know, I know - I have to separate us - it is the only way. Still stay together, but somehow - separate this other part of his life so it won't be too much for me to handle.

Maybe this all happened too soon, maybe I was too early thrown back into this situation after us getting back together, it's too early, and I can't seem to separate my old self from who I felt like during, after the break up - "she" was tougher than I am, LOL.

I will try to think like you do, yes, hopefully, that will do the trick :)

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