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CosmicWonder 07-01-2022 07:45 AM

An issue with relationships and friendships
Hii all,

I just need to sort this out for a moment.

So, when I do well, everything stable, there is this gift from above to make it even better. I am a guy who mostly hangs with woman, and there are some issues with that. So when I do well, I usually have like 2 or 3 good friendships that are worthy and special. Then when everything is stable, a fourth and a fifth stop by. At that point, I totally mess up. I want to be with a group of friends. So that is golden. But somehow something gets in my system. I would get fights and unreasonable discussions. In the moment it seems like I am justified. But it keeps happening. Woman call me toxic sometimes at that point. Even though that isnít correct. Itís more that I get nervous I guess.

What plays a role as well, is intimacy. I have a certain lack of intimacy in my life. So it gets hard to separate out the friendships from romantic stuff. I notice too I get proud because I have more friends than I ever thought Iíd have. And somehow pride usually means my loss.

I havenít figured out what to do about this yet,
So Iíll probably post it. Anyway, I seek a way to do emotional inner work for this. Maybe accepting that I shouldnít be proud or figuring out a way to be proud as a start. And also, working through the nervousness.

Much kindness,


Viswa 07-01-2022 02:10 PM


Originally Posted by CosmicWonder
working through the nervousness.

Much kindness,

Hi CW. It's interesting.

I'm not here to sort out.

I don't know what will happen if the nervousness persists. Are you interested to stopping that?

What will happen if girls come/stay/go??

I don't know what will happen to you when all the above happens. Please let me know how you perceive these words.

Thank you. :D

FairyCrystal 07-01-2022 02:26 PM

Situation isn't clear. Are these women just friends of yours or are you also intimate?
And if it's just friends and there are a few more female friends things go wrong?
In a way quite understandable as it will disrupt the dynamic.
Or are these new females women you are intimate with?

Please be clear about the situation as what you told us isn't so far.

asearcher 07-01-2022 03:57 PM

when you discuss are you up in a flow when you do, eager, and then someone comes and stop your flow and just take little chews of what you just said and turn it against you? and then you "get upset" (or well you really don't they ones that has gotten to you just wants you to come off that way) and try, again to explain your point, but is met by suspiscioun and that classic yeah right attitude? The looks shared between one woman and the next. Oh, if you caught one of those, something's up.

could be too something you have somehow missed being a guy, and that is when you put lots of women together, well how should i put it? They kind of gang up together, talk behind your back, hold a grudge forever, make life more complicated than it needs to be? guys are often more up front, direct, have their dispute open and then it is over. I am only speaking of my own experiences about this. Women can hold it way longer than guys can. Somehow I don't think your pride is the question here.

I think too they kind of want to know your role, why you're there, what your goal is? is it really just friendship or more? and if more than who are you into? just so you are not playing the field? those kinds of thoughts?

just throwing in some ideas here, I'm guessing your agenda is what is unclear, and I kind of think it is unclear to you too, you're just testing the waters, but if you are a one guy doing this and there are several women in the group...well...Good luck is all I have to say, not saying you are doing anything wrong, I don't think you are, you know, it is jsut...well you know, the above reasons, there's where it can turn out wrong. I hope I don't make this even more confusing as it already is? i just think you have to be very obvious with what you want and who you are into, if they can just smell that you are into more than one of them - then you are not for either of them, then they are just thinking about how to get you out, bascially, if they are strong women, if they however have low self esteem and are not very bright they might confront each other (that is 2 women or more) but I am guessing you are in a crowd of women who are not like that. You are getting nervous - because you should be. That's how they want you to feel, maybe not the bunch of them, but 2 is enough. I've had boys, men that are friends all my life and am used to both scenarious. I sometimes have discovered that I am the only woman left at the table with a bunch of guys as we are discussing things and for some reason the women that use to be there have left and are doing something else. But as the guys are always clear on who I am and what I am up to I certainly don't get nervous and they don't make me nervous, and I never get hit on at those sort of atmospheres, discussions taking place. I am one of those who fall in love rarely and normally see guys as friends or brothers, it is if I was to have a romantic connection with a guy that I get super nervous and shy and awkward. I always had female friends who wanted to come over just so they could check in the guys in my home, first family etc, and I never looked at them like that. So again I am thinking you gotta state your case, make sure they know why you are there ,and if you are into someone, please be just into that someone, not more than one. I'm getting nervous just thinking about you caught in this situation, and don't know what you're doing wrong, I can't help it! Like yaks.

I think you must have missed some social code or something. Just state it to them and I think you'll be fine, but you won't be fine if you are into more than one romantically. That is unless the women are braindead. If they are not - then you are coming off as a player and unattractive. If you only knew, well perhaps you do know, how fast women knows a guy is hitting on more than one woman at a party. Wouldn't touch him wouldn't want to go near him, just see him as a joke then, yes we do smile and we do talk to such a person but we don't fall for it, we know. He of course does not know - that we know (...and evil laugh followed). I guess that is what I am trying to say. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. You asked of advice so here it is. If I have misread your words and situation - Sorry. I'm doing my best here.

Best of luck :)

CosmicWonder 07-01-2022 04:27 PM

They are just friends.

I have been intimate with some though and it happens. But even though I’m unclear to myself as to what I want, at the start when it’s still a little group it usually goed pretty well

FairyCrystal 07-01-2022 04:48 PM


Originally Posted by CosmicWonder
They are just friends.

I have been intimate with some though and it happens. But even though Iím unclear to myself as to what I want, at the start when itís still a little group it usually goed pretty well

Well, then it doesn't really surprise me. If you're not clear yourself about what you're doing and what you want they're not clear about it either.
Maybe their hopes got raised when you were intimate.
It all depends what you told and possibly promised them.
If it has been going on for quite some time then maybe some have fallen in love and if then you start to hang out with new women, and possibly also intimate with them, well, you get jealousy.
Quite logical.
Be clear to them and realise that even though you may say NSA, sex only, people and esp. women tend to develop feelings when they have sex.

Why not get male friends?
I've been with someone who only had female friends, all with whom he'd had sex with at some point or other. Never again. It's just weird.
If you have no male friends maybe take some time to figure out why not. Like women need to be with other women in order to feel good, men need to hang out with other men to feel good. Masculine energy is entirely different from the feminine.

In any case, good luck.

CosmicWonder 07-01-2022 05:27 PM

Thank you FairyCrystal.

Yeah I’ve never promised them anything. I’m quite honest and don’t make promises when I don’t think I can make them true. No lying or games involved here. It’s all free will and by choice

Thank you all for being so honest btw. It’s just a lot to take in and to contemplate

asearcher 07-01-2022 09:27 PM

well good you're not a player and chose honesty which shows respect, however it is not an isolated event the intimacy as we are human beings with an emotional life to us, and spirits, souls inside of us, there will be some sort of consequence from it.

Today it is as if it is getting more and more modern I feel to even openly talk about just going to bed with just about anyone without any emotional connection or promises, in my book I don't understand how it is done without mutual attraction and if there is attraction there should be feelings, be something.

In a way I see it as rejection, like I only like you so much that I like your body and you like mine, but it ain't more than that. I just don't think we are meant to work like that, it is as if we are rejecting the mind, heart, spirit of the one we then go to bed with and they too of us. I would never be able to have it like that, to me it is too cold. Then again it may very well be that I am seen as too deep minded again and too sensitive again and maybe too romantic for my own good. I just know myself too well to know it would never work with me, especially when one has discovered the great combination of love and sex. With that written I do feel that I am in minority in my own surrounding in life, thinking, feeling about it this way, as exes, current and even female friends has apparently jumped in the sack without serious, far from it, commitments.

It was one of the warning bells to me, when I began to look at an ex differently after learning he had for several years, had what he thought of as only a sexual relationship and the poor woman he had it with had naturally developed feelings for him, which isn't exactly something you can help, control, but he didn't care about that. I would have thought he was a much better man had he developed feelings for her, and not continued to use her like that, and she still hoping. My heart just went out to her, and that I guess was the last thing he expected. He couldn't see where he had gone wrong. He had only been honest. I just don't see sex as isolated events with someone else, there are going to be a shift, there are going to be consequences from it. I think it is just something that has become modern, as in that people talk about it more these days and make it more acceptable, but I don't think it is emotionally healthy, to be truthful, to think this is OK, we human beings are far more complex than that. No wonder it gets complicated later on.

There is yet another level of this sex-only business, that I think one should consider at first, it's not isolated to the bed only, the event only, to the time only. They've even made studies of this and it turns out 2 bodies of 2 adults having been in a romantic relationship - when it breaks up - the bodies has gotten addicted to each other and suffers a physical, inner loss, this is real, there are memories too that the body has, and the exchange. In some cultures people don't even shake hands as they believe spiritually we exchange energy. For me sex can never be just sex, I think it can be in anyone's head, that we are wired that way, but when it comes to real life and real people we have after all feelings. It has to be with someone I'm in love with, that I love, and that I feel loves me.

We also share vulnerable sides to us, it's not just sex, parts of our bodies has stories to tell and scars, it is getting to know someone, smell someone, them in your care, in your hand, a touch, your eyes meet, you're close.

Anyways if you have been mixing it like that it's no wonder it gets to feel nervous or complicated is my guess, but you're not alone, that's for sure, I don't know if i am too old fashioned (to tell the truth I think people have always done this but just not talked about it so openly, but I have a feeling it is more these days but again that could just be because people do talk about it...) or just too sensitive, could be there is something wrong with the way I am, but i have to go with what is right for me. You have to go what is right for you - but that too has to be what is right with your friend sometimes, intimate partner other times.

I don't judge my exes or current as I do believe they did have some sort of feelings, attraction for that other one, what scared me, and put me off, was really the guy who did not have that, for that long amount of time and how he allowed himself to take advantage and treat her, it was so obvious he had no conscious. Had he at least said he had had feelings for her I would be the first to go hurrah, and not be so scarred stiff as I got as I knew I was looking at someone callous, and I even felt this strong urge to protect her, stand up for her, and I guess I wasn't suppose to feel that way being his fiance. She always felt more human to me, after that, than he did.

I have talked to my current about this modern concept of just having sex with no emotions attached (which I still can't wrap my head around) and he has told me that we all have physical needs and too miss that someone, miss the real body, miss the warmth, and rather take that than nothing. Another friend of mine (female) has tried to explain it too to me, and what has been the experiences is that one is developing feelings more than the other and the agreement then breaks before anyone gets hurt, but always someone gets hurt anyhow. Perhaps even if it happens just once or twice - something has for sure changed in the relationship I think. And then the longer time one has this then it comes to no surprise to me that human beings develop feelings for the other. I just don't believe you can isolate it from the rest. It's too special.

CosmicWonder 08-01-2022 07:20 AM

Hii asearcher,

I agree that sex can’t be isolated from emotions and feels. This is why I don’t go to bed with anyone. Just with good friends. We talk, we laugh, we discuss, we feel and we are intimate at times. It good to notice that that intimacy is very seldom. What intimacy does to me (and maybe sex is a big word because usually it doesn’t go that far) is an ultimate letting go and healing. The woman I do have intimacy with or have had it with, notice this too and mostly or only with me: the profound healing. Like after it happened for a moment everything in the head is just so silent and we do things we were just so scared of before. Last time the girl said to me that she was reliving it for an hour or so because she was so happy it had happened.

However I do know the hurts it can bring. The last time was especially hurtful for me. I felt as if it was only one time and no more, and I craved more. So that felt like dying. But I’m not too sure if that should stop me.

Also, no you’re fine asearcher. Somewhere in your post you said maybe something is wrong with you because you’re sensitive? No you’re just you. It’s totally fine.

But yes it’s kind of old I think. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad.



asearcher 09-01-2022 06:02 PM

Hi CosmicWonder, I have been thinking of what you have written, thanks btw for thinking I'm good the way I am. Could it simply be that we all have that longing, it does not have to be of a sexual nature, drive, but simply that need for physical closeness, tenderness?

I got to think how hurt I got one time (this was years ago, but i still remember it as if it was yesterday, then again - I'm sensitive, sigh). I was going with my then relatively new boyfriend to a restaurant in a strange big city, we had booked a hotel for the night. We walked from the hotel to this restaurant where we had plans to meet up with some of his family members and his friends. I was a little nervous and wanted to make a good impression, or at least hope I was OK, you know, approved off. I was so in love with him back then, he was like my dream of everything I wanted in a man. We got serious fast. Everything just clicked or so I thought.

So anyways on our way to see them we held hands. then as we came to see them outside the restaurant we began to talk and at one point he let go of my hand and at one point I took his hand agan (reaching for it) and then it got obvious or was it a mistake, I still was not all that sure, he let go of my hand.

Then at one point in the restaurant he took me aside from everyone and told me he did not want me to touch him (as in holding his hand, because as far as I can remember I think that was all I had done, and possibly touching maybe his arm or shoulder too, in a haste).

he told me this - sharply. Like really sharply. Looking at me as if I should be ashamed of myself. As if he was ashamed of me. I was first of all taken by surprise. Then I was hurt. I think I said just "OK". He said in a haste to me that he did not see anyone else touching each other (there were couples amongst them). I really had no idea. I had not really paid that much attention if some couple touched each other now and then or if they didn't, just as I had not been so fully aware that I was touching him or not. We went to sit amongst the others. I could not look at him. I could not converse with him. I really tried to act as if everything was fine. Had it been today I would have just walked out of the restaurant and would not cared if that would have been rude of me. I would have just left. But he had the car keys and everything and I was in this strange city. And I think I was so surprised still.

We had a fight back at the hotel. Back in the car back home to our city things were still strained between us. This was not at all how I had thought things would go.

Turns out that he had been strictly raised to not show physical signs of tenderness amonst others, especially around his first family. Then it was mocked on. I had no idea. And I had no idea because he had not told me that. HE was one person with me, and another with them. So he did not tell me, he did not pre-warn me, instead it was as if I got a slap in the face all of a sudden. Up til then we had always held hands or what ever. I knew how to behave myself, I knew what was appropriate or not.

After that he apologized and he would as usual try to show physical signs of tenderness but it was now me who was turned off by it. That rejection hurt me so bad, and if and when I tried to explain that in words to him it just sounded as if I was so sensitive. I would never again feel the magic of holding his hand the way I had felt upon him correcting me at the restaurant. Never again. We would hold hands, but it was on his initiative and it just did not ever feel as special, magic as it had done before, it was really to the point that I rather he wouldn't, because a part of me suspected he really did not want to amongst others, he was only doing it to please me and I had no need for it no more.

And that I think is where I will finally get to my point - that sometimes we forget we have needs, and it can be what I describe it as "magic" and your words and your friends it can be "healing"; but we do need it, rather it leds to an sexual act or not, and thinking you are friends with that someone you do have fond feelings for her and then you become close like that, of course then it means something. And what you wrote that you craved more, and that you were hurting. It is that step there to overcome (I do not yet know how to overcome it myself, I have not been able to and it been years, this is so nuts) the feeling of rejection it gave and still dare to reach out I think.

Today if, when I have reached out among his family and friends (we have recently gotten back together after split, therapy...) he is right there accepting my hand, and more often he is touching me than me him, still it will never feel the same way as it did that way before, or maybe, maybe one day I will dare to open that part of my heart that he hurt and it got closed, who knows. I hope it may still open for you, and that you won't let it stop you like I have done in the past, and again I'm not there yet and don't know if I ever will. It is kind of hard now I feel to know how to do it, really, but I'm hoping you can.

Even if he and I have talked about this. And him saying he had thought about it and that it was stupid of him to make what he thought all those people might (or might not) have thought if we occationally held hands or not, matter more to him than what I had thought. I told him too that I found him to be surprisingly inconsiderate of me as he must have known I was a little nervous and he was all I had - while he was at home with these people, this was his family, his friends. He should have looked out for me instead, made sure I was doing OK. Instead he ended up the one to have rejected me, treated me badly that evening, and for what? What had I done that was so bad? I had lovingly reached out for him to show him I loved him (already then I loved him). I came from a family where physical tenderness was something so natural and positive that it never entered my mind that it could be seen as a "show off", especially not something so small, as of one hand in another. I was a shy person and I had no desire to "show off" and to be the center of attention.

Til this day, I was at this birthday party for a kid recently, and there was a young couple there, not the parents, and as they stood in line to get food I saw a simple gesture of him reaching and holding his hand ever so briefly on his girlfriends lower back, the side of it, and soon enough she took her hand to touch his hand, arm, and they did not have to say anything and then they got their food. Of course they did not do that to "show off", it was for them, them knowing they were still connected, it wasn't for other eyes, I just happened to see it. It was almost as if I gasped (but I didn't) as it instantly hurt me, as I knew, I had once had it so special - and after that time in the restaurant - I hadn't had it since. And how precious it really was - to have that. And how easily it can get smashed, it's scary.

I have learned that it does not matter if he and I talk about it, even if it helps he gets me now, it's ruined anyway, as for now at least. I am trying to be more patient with myself. After all I have had it like this for years. I am still so practical when I leave the home and in stores or with his family, it is as if I just shut off that side of me. It was easier that way. That way I didn't get hurt again. And then I think he couldn't have hurt me again, as the damage was already done, I had become "tougher" because of it, so tough even - that I didn't think I needed it. I had become him really, and that wasn't who I really was. Not before. Before I had the magic.

I think once you have that feeling, and it is special, than you should cherish it, before it's gone. Sorry if I sound all dramatic. I wish you all the best with what ever it now is that is going on, and hope you find your way :)

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