I want to meet some creatures from my reoccurring nightmare
This got long and boring but writing this down helped me a lot. I suppose you don't even have read the whole mess to get the picture. The main thing is that I want to go back to my nightmare world and talk to some creatures there to help myself to cope with my traumatic past. Have you ever done it? I have but in a smaller scale. Those creatures only hunted me for awhile and stopped after I heard what they had to say.
I have never really thought of this (because I didn't want to) but I have had nightmares about this evil looking moon since I was about 5 years old. It doesn't happen very often but when it happens it gets really bad. Usually I am not completely in the so called realm of that moon and then I just see it from the corner of my eye or I just remember seeing it somewhere far away. But last night I fully returned there.
I remember the first dream very clearly. It was after something really bad happened to me. I am still traumatized by that event although I can't remember it clearly. I have few diagnoses related to trauma.
At the beginning of my first dream (when I was a child) I was walking on a road at night. I was scared and I was wearing a big yellow coat. Yellow like that moon. I met and old woman. I was really afraid of her. I thought she was a witch. I noticed that there was a swamp behind her, on the other side of the road. And the moon was floating above the swamp. Really close to the ground. It was huge and really yellow. The longer I looked at it the more it looked like a face but I couldn't look at it for long.
The old woman said to me: "You have a choice to make. You can pick the long and safe road that might never get you where you want to be or go through the swamp." (English is not my first language so this is just a poor translation)
I didn't want to be lost forever so I went to the swamp. And to be honest it looked beautiful. The realm of this moon looks beautiful although it is dark and scary. The Moon itself is beautiful although at the same time it is very disturbing to look at.
I didn't get stuck in the swamp but there were horrible monsters in that swamp. They tortured me and chased me around. I can faintly remember seeing a small cottage in there. At the end everything went black after I was torn apart. The last thing I heard was that woman laughing like she enjoyed looking at me dying.
I returned to that swamp last night. I was wearing yellow again and I was chased by monsters and torn apart. I saw the moon. I was in a swamp. There was also this graveyard of monsters. They were buried but not dead and when they sensed my precence they got up and attacked me in a blind rage. I also met a woman. She was young this time. I died trying to protect her. I can't remember her making any sound at all. She didn't show much emotion and she was covered in dirt. We barricaded ourselves in a shag in the graveyard and I guess that woman lives there. Maybe that shag used the be the cottage I saw as a child although back then there was no graveyard. I guess my trauma was so fresh I hadn't started burying things yet.
I still feel a bit shaky. But I think I have finally understood that the moon is an important symbol in my mind at least. I have some experience of "shamanic" journeying, meditation and lucid dreaming. I want to find that moon and face it. I have done it before to monsters and people who kept appearing in my nightmares. They have always had something very important to say. Something life changing actually.
That moon is an observer. Nothing can escape it's light. I need to know what it has seen and why my subconcious feels the need of shaking me this badly. I think it could help me. I know I make those monsters myself and try to bury them in that graveyard although I know they are not dead. Maybe the Moon knows how I can stop creating them and how I can handle those that already exist.
I would also like the meet the Swamp Lady. She could be the gravedigger. As a child I was too scared to talk to her and maybe she was kind of buried too. Maybe she buried herself. Like a monster. Because I thought she was one. She was covered in dirt after all and her shag had a dirt floor and it looked like a lot of digging had been done very recently. The dirt on her looked reddish like the dirt on the floor. The dirt in the graveyard was black. She has lost her wisdom and intelligence. She has gone backwards. I believe she is representing a part of my mind that is not working because so many other things are malfunctioning. I have lost something that could have kept my mind healthier. I had better tools as a child.
I want to return to the realm of the Moon. I was let back there fully for a reason. My brain never does things like this to me without a very good reason. I have learned to trust these things no matter how disturbing they get. Maybe I finally have some chance to heal.
I also noticed something creepy about myself. I have always been really drawn to the yellow colour of that moon. I wear that colour almost every day, paint with it etc. People associate that colour with me. I didn't actively think about this until today. It's really good this is not a horror movie...
yellow is associated with the solar plexus chakra:
The Solar Plexus Chakra
i'm thinking that the moon may relate to your 'subconscious knowing'...
what you consciously observe occurs in "the light of day", completely visible;
the things you're not consciously aware of are known by the subconscious.
the choice you'd made as a child was to go through the swamp. you'd
demonstrated a trust for old woman, despite thinking her a witch.
you were promised to arrive at your desired destination by following
that route, and the time may have come for you to reach your goal.
i feel that your journey may involve uniting the feminine and masculine
aspects of divinity within your own being. traveling through that swamp
might be symbolic for having entered into earthly incarnation. to do so
may have been the means to restoring youth and vitality to the feminine
aspect (the witch woman has grown younger). understanding the hows
or whys might be the stories you're wanting to hear. my instinct asserts
that those monsters are not adversaries, nor tormentors... but likely to
be in need of their own healings, so as to become friends of yours.
The article from you link described quite accurately what I am currently going through. I will quote a part of it below.
"The Solar Plexus chakra is associated with the following psychological and behavioral functions:
* Expression of will
* Intellectual abilities
* The “accounting mind” that categorizes everything, assesses the pluses and minuses in life
* Personal power
* Ability to establish ideas and plans into reality
* At higher levels, it conveys wisdom"
It is kind of strange how accurate this is and it felt strange to look ar the colours in the pictures in this consept. This has definitely given me sonething to think about.
Also you talked about feminine energy and yes, I have been struggling with this all my life. I have always been really androgynous. I don't try to be that but I have these extremes in me. I am a man and I am afraid to admit that I do get a lot of strength from femininity. I go through the world being very masculine but at home I create things that are thought to be more feminine. I do art, I sew, knit, make lace and things that my imagination brings are often associated with the feminine. I am also bisexual although I let people think I am straight. I can feel the both masculine and feminine in me. And I can't quite understand it. I think that at the end men and women are the same and it doesn't matter but I do repress the feminine a lot.
At some point some creature in my shamanic journeys said that I am a woman and a man. I still don't get it. Spritually maybe but in my everyday life I a man and that's it. I don't even want anything else. During my shamanic journeying I just feel like a human. Separate from my body and the limitations of it. My body is just an avatar of myself in there, a tool with no gender.
And I will say... I feel ashamed of it but I was wearing a yellow dress in my latest dream. I was in my androgynous form I find myself in when I journey although the yellow dress felt humiliating. It was like it was put on me to make me feel weak. A great lesson I think. My own perception of the situation made me weak rather than the dress.
Also, it is a good obsbervation that although being very scared you can trust. I trusted the Swamp lady. I didn't just obey because then it wouldn't have been so scary. I think she is a part of me. I do trust her still. Maybe I was supposed to give her the dress but the monsters were coming. She was wearing just some rags.
I feel the Moon can see all of me. That why I haven't been able to look at it in the eye. It has seen everything. Seeing it last night was like seeing your observer after feeling like being watched all your life.
I have also met some monsters before. Usually they have been my own creations. They are manifestacions of my own feelings and issues. For example I drink too much and that's maybe one way I use to bury those monsters because I don't want them to exist. I wish I knew how to make peace with them.
about the monsters:
the thing to recognize is that you are in the position of power...
they come to you only with whatever power you have supplied to them.
as your creations, they are attracted to you, their source of being.
they reenact the behaviors you've shown to them... seeking to rip you
apart (as you've disowned them from yourself; ripped away and cast off).
you have the means to provide them with forgiveness and redemption.
this song speaks of monsters, and the video has men dressed in tutus;
it doesn't relate otherwise, but i like the song and figured i'd share:
Annie Lennox - No More "I Love You's"
I suspect the moon is your cue that the dream is going to deal with the trauma you endured you have buried in your subconscious. Females represent the emotional nurturing side. It is possible the witch is your feminine power that has been sullied because of what happened to you in the swamp. A part of you knows you have to confront that past to move on but it feels like death to do so. I will also offer up the possibility that you inadvertently walked into a trap, the swamp, that led to your traumatic event because you trusted someone who turned out to be evil. You may have sensed fear but still went along because you had a trusting nature. Either way it does sound like the dreams want to help you resolve the past
One important distinction when it comes to trauma is to remember that it is something that happened to you not because of you. Humans can do some horrible things to each other in a misguided effort to off load their pain on someone else. You didn't deserve it nor do you have to continue to identify with it. You aren't a child anymore which means you are more capable of protecting yourself from danger. It may be important to trust your instincts. If something feels off despite outward signs suggesting otherwise trust your gut over what you see. People aren't always what they seem but our gut generally never lies. Maybe why you are attracted to the color yellow and the solar plexus. You could be working on restoring your self esteem, personal power and confidence by learning to trust your gut thus developing your intuition or feminine aspect. It is also possible that the female is simply representative of the buried emotions you have tucked away about the trauma but it sounds like the point is for you to take back your personal power that was likely stolen from you from that traumatic event.
This said, from this dream it is hard to say. It seems that the most important thing right now may be to confront your past memories so you can put them behind you. I would say you don't necessarily need to conjure up the moon or witch but simply ask to be led to a dream that helps you resolve the past. Ask before bed what you need to know to heal your trauma and you very well will have a dream that offers insights for you. It is a process that takes time as there are layers to get through so just take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Your dreams can help you heal your subconscious and what has been buried.
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